Finally, it was over. My heart was lifted; I was free of anxiety, pain, confusion, longing. I was euphoric. I was myself again.
I went through a period of self-examination. Why had I let myself get so involved with someone who clearly was not right for me? My kids saw it, my friends saw it.
I got too involved too quickly. He was professing his love for me on the second date....not a good sign. But, I had suppressed any kind of normal social life for years, because raising teenagers solo and running a school took all my energy and patience. I was way overdue for a life.
Discrimination was definitely not my long suit. Who doesn’t have baggage at 60? I look at my own baggage....once divorced, now a widow, nursed my husband through AIDS, school principal...lots of men would head for the hills. I guess I was willing to work with anyone who would work with me.
He was fun. I needed that. Of course, he had plenty of baggage...mainly, that his wife left him and their four children after a five year affair with her boss that completely blindsided him. I believed his wounded ego could recover.
I admit I was ridiculously naive. I just thought that because he had been so devastated by his wife’s unfaithfulness, he wouldn’t do that to me. A year ago, i learned how wrong I had been. I ended it. He wanted me in his life in any capacity. I was primary to him. I stayed.
He wavered on whether this polyamory path was right for him. My God, he’s 66 years old! How long does he think he can do this? I just thought he would come around to seeing that the strength and depth of my love was worth giving up that life. I thought he would grow out of it....sounds really stupid that I would think someone at 66 would become more mature.
I looked back at my relationships. I had many casual relationships and few serious ones. My late husband was a stable, sensitive, ethical, intelligent, creative, personable man who valued me. We were best friends long before we became lovers then mates.
In the case of my first husband, who had many of the same characteristics, we are still friends to this day. Our daughter was always first in our lives and we never said an unkind word about each other.
I didn’t have a history of hooking the bad boys. I knew they were bad news a long time ago. I had a lapse in judgment....long term memory loss?! No, just naive. I had a great marriage to my best friend....just way too short. I wanted that again. Who wouldn’t? John was not Kevin. No one was.
My sister was horrified reading what I put with. “You’ve never been a pushover for anyone!” she exclaimed the other night. She’s right. I’ve always been in charge of me. Even our mother could never control me. I never gave away my power.
But, I did this time. Was I looking for the unconditional love I was missing from childhood? Well...whether it was or not, this was not the right man to count on for that...lol!
In the end, I decided this was just another of life’s lessons. I believe whatever happens is supposed to happen. He was definitely put in my path. There was a past karma. His mother came to both of us in messages and readings, making it pretty clear she wanted him to recover from his wounds and trust in my love. After he ramped up his efforts to thwart that love, her message to me was to get rid of him.
For me, the lesson, I believe, was self-love. Know that I am just fine as I am. I am not alone. There is love all around me. I am grateful for my family and friends. I take nothing for granted.
The lesson is also forgiveness. I am way past the anger and resentment toward him. Few people have I laughed with as I laughed with him. Memories tinged with love bring me to a higher place than focusing on the pain.
I forgive myself. I will take the lessons of forgiveness and self-love and go forward. In the end, I am responsible for my happiness. I do not find it outside of myself. It is inward.
So, here I am again....60 Year Old Female Looking For Mr. Right. Ironically, I’m not looking, but I will say this.
Every night when I close my eyes and meditate, I project my intention for love in a visualization. I have healthier expectations now. I visualize someone who communicates openly, loves me unconditionally, practices gratitude and non-judgment, and plays good bridge!
I think it’s working!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Little Berserk
It’s over for me, but he has no idea. The emails keep coming...what time are we getting together Thursday night for dinner and our regular bridge game? Do you want to walk before we eat? Should I bring dinner?
I ignore every one. I have a session with Susan. I just wanted to keep ignoring him. She insists I must communicate with him, tell him it’s over. Be calm, no drama. I assure her I will.
I make plans to be somewhere else and email him to bring my things from his house and I will leave his few items in the garage. He thanks me for my clarity since he had no idea why I suddenly stopped communicating with him.
No idea. I warned him in late July when we started ‘living together’ I was not willing to be part of a harem....monogamy or nothing....no friends, no bridge partner, no contact. But, slowly but surely he weaseled the women in. I was pissed.
Kentucky woman landed late Friday afternoon. I sent a text at midnight: “How does it feel to screw someone you've completely duped? (P.S. I did not use the word ‘screw’.)
At 8:30 a.m., I sent this: “OMG...what am I thinking??!! That’s what you’ve been doing to me for years...fits your definition of an ‘honest’ relationship.”
At this point, I was in North Carolina for my brother’s 60th birthday party and John was living it up at his son’s wedding. I have the password for the email address he used to chat up his lady friends or find them on OKCupid and all the other sites he frequented. So, I started my research.
I read dozens of emails over the course of the year to and from women he’s been involved with, I got the email addresses of the women he was currently seeing or attempting to see. I decide to do the altruistic thing and write them.
I have been in what I considered to be a serious relationship with John for the past five years. It ended last week. It took me this long to figure out exactly what and who he really is. I’m hoping to save you time and heartache.
He is a practitioner of polyamory...has a need to be involved with multiple women at the same time. He is a commitment phobe and is completely clueless about what honesty truly means. His philosophy is to tell women what is going on in his life on a need to know basis...Trust me, he will never tell you the whole truth.
Do not think about having unprotected sex with him...here’s a partial list of women he’s been involved with or is trying to get involved with...(I INSERTED 12 NAMES HERE)...the list is growing.
Consider yourselves forewarned...I wish I had been so fortunate.
Over the top? Maybe. Maybe not. I think he earned it. I'm in control now.
How did the women take it? Two thought it was fine for him to be with multiple women....I was the nut case. They just wanted me out of the picture...(No problem there, ladies....you can have him and all the competition). They sounded pretty desperate to me and, God knows, I should recognize that!
The ones who were horrified by him wanted to date ME! But, that's what you get on OKCupid.
Ain’t life grand???!!
I ignore every one. I have a session with Susan. I just wanted to keep ignoring him. She insists I must communicate with him, tell him it’s over. Be calm, no drama. I assure her I will.
I make plans to be somewhere else and email him to bring my things from his house and I will leave his few items in the garage. He thanks me for my clarity since he had no idea why I suddenly stopped communicating with him.
No idea. I warned him in late July when we started ‘living together’ I was not willing to be part of a harem....monogamy or nothing....no friends, no bridge partner, no contact. But, slowly but surely he weaseled the women in. I was pissed.
Kentucky woman landed late Friday afternoon. I sent a text at midnight: “How does it feel to screw someone you've completely duped? (P.S. I did not use the word ‘screw’.)
At 8:30 a.m., I sent this: “OMG...what am I thinking??!! That’s what you’ve been doing to me for years...fits your definition of an ‘honest’ relationship.”
At this point, I was in North Carolina for my brother’s 60th birthday party and John was living it up at his son’s wedding. I have the password for the email address he used to chat up his lady friends or find them on OKCupid and all the other sites he frequented. So, I started my research.
I read dozens of emails over the course of the year to and from women he’s been involved with, I got the email addresses of the women he was currently seeing or attempting to see. I decide to do the altruistic thing and write them.
I have been in what I considered to be a serious relationship with John for the past five years. It ended last week. It took me this long to figure out exactly what and who he really is. I’m hoping to save you time and heartache.
He is a practitioner of polyamory...has a need to be involved with multiple women at the same time. He is a commitment phobe and is completely clueless about what honesty truly means. His philosophy is to tell women what is going on in his life on a need to know basis...Trust me, he will never tell you the whole truth.
Do not think about having unprotected sex with him...here’s a partial list of women he’s been involved with or is trying to get involved with...(I INSERTED 12 NAMES HERE)...the list is growing.
Consider yourselves forewarned...I wish I had been so fortunate.
Over the top? Maybe. Maybe not. I think he earned it. I'm in control now.
How did the women take it? Two thought it was fine for him to be with multiple women....I was the nut case. They just wanted me out of the picture...(No problem there, ladies....you can have him and all the competition). They sounded pretty desperate to me and, God knows, I should recognize that!
The ones who were horrified by him wanted to date ME! But, that's what you get on OKCupid.
Ain’t life grand???!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Kabbalah to the Rescue
The only thing I knew about Kabbalah was that Madonna practiced it, which meant zero to me since I’m not a big fan. But, one day, I was listening to Hay House radio. I think it was Sonia Choquette’s show, Trust Your Vibes (now there’s clue!). Anyway, whoever the guest was referenced a book written by a noted kabbalistic scholar, Yehuda Berg.
The book? The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You. I put down that Sudoku puzzle and tuned in fully. I bought the book and ignored the dedication to Ashton and Demi. The point was that it’s the woman who holds the power in a relationship; the power inherent in being a woman is what drives the entire process.
There were two vital kabbalistic principles: 1) Like attracts like and opposites repel and
2) A woman holds the key to a soulful and loving relationship.
Dr. Berg explains the seven rules with absolute clarity:
1. Men are channels for the Light, while Women are vessels for the Light.
2. A man cannot be the source of a woman’s happiness.
3. The woman must defend her Light and never give it away freely.
4. Never believe what a man says (look at his actions instead).
5. The woman must choose a man she can support (his beliefs, someone you don’t wish to change).
6. Attraction is based on karma...people you have known in past lives.
7. Fear of rejection is an illusion. The Light always loves you, meaning that fear of rejection is based on an illusion as is fear of abandonment.
“The spiritual work of a woman is to recognize and to cultivate a steadfast relationship with the Light inside of her, and not to look for energy outside of herself."
The Kabbalah stuff definitely resonated with me. As I was internalizing this, the date for his son’s wedding was nearing, and his travel/sex partner from Kentucky was landing in a few days. We went to a Natural Living conference and then walked in a park.
I questioned his commitment; he was reassuring. He needed more intellectual stimulation, a theme he often repeated. I hadn’t traveled all over the world like he had. On the one hand, he declared me the most self-actualized woman he had ever known and, then, would claim I was a light weight, intellectually.
Really?? And, what were his contributions to intelligentsia? Oh, that’s right, he taught me about polyamory. I definitely needed that to expand my base of knowledge.
The tech guru needed me to program his iPhone. He had no clue. He wanted his second email account on it. I needed his password. No problem.
Monday. He was off for Columbus Day. I had plans to play bridge. I get an email from him while I was playing. I won’t bore you with the mundane, only the juice.
Hi Honey
Nature hike was fun. (A cute older lady came up after the hike and gave me her phone number! Supply and Demand I think.)
Am having awkward thoughts about Millie (Kentucky woman). She will probably find out about Kerry (his daughter) getting married at Ken’s (his son) wedding.
I know you believe in absolutes and everyone you date should know everything but she is a casual relationship. I think it is OK to have a lesser standard...I concur with a higher standard for us where you can know whatever you want.
I love you. Yesterday was fun.
xoxo John
I swear I almost left the bridge table to wring his neck. He’s worried about the Kentucky woman finding out about me????? Damn right, she should know about me. Casual??? He’s been traveling with her for three years! Lesser standard of honesty??? What the hell?! A cute older lady gave him her phone number??
I finish my game and called his cell. I ask him about why he was worried about Millie finding out about me....seemed really odd to me. (Now, there’s an understatement for our time.) He tells me he can’t talk right then; he’ll call me later. Of course, he’s with someone else.....obviously, not a male friend.
Every Monday at 6:30 p.m., I meet Jim for dinner and then we play in a bridge game. I’ve known him for a few years. Actually met him through John. I’ve always thought the world of him but we’ve never shared much on a deeper level. I sit down to my slice of pizza and the phone rings. It’s John. I ignore it. I tell Jim about the email.
He looks at me for a long time then asks, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course not.”
“What are you doing?”
Good God, what the hell am I doing? And that was it. I was done. It was over....but then I went a little berserk.
The book? The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You. I put down that Sudoku puzzle and tuned in fully. I bought the book and ignored the dedication to Ashton and Demi. The point was that it’s the woman who holds the power in a relationship; the power inherent in being a woman is what drives the entire process.
There were two vital kabbalistic principles: 1) Like attracts like and opposites repel and
2) A woman holds the key to a soulful and loving relationship.
Dr. Berg explains the seven rules with absolute clarity:
1. Men are channels for the Light, while Women are vessels for the Light.
2. A man cannot be the source of a woman’s happiness.
3. The woman must defend her Light and never give it away freely.
4. Never believe what a man says (look at his actions instead).
5. The woman must choose a man she can support (his beliefs, someone you don’t wish to change).
6. Attraction is based on karma...people you have known in past lives.
7. Fear of rejection is an illusion. The Light always loves you, meaning that fear of rejection is based on an illusion as is fear of abandonment.
“The spiritual work of a woman is to recognize and to cultivate a steadfast relationship with the Light inside of her, and not to look for energy outside of herself."
The Kabbalah stuff definitely resonated with me. As I was internalizing this, the date for his son’s wedding was nearing, and his travel/sex partner from Kentucky was landing in a few days. We went to a Natural Living conference and then walked in a park.
I questioned his commitment; he was reassuring. He needed more intellectual stimulation, a theme he often repeated. I hadn’t traveled all over the world like he had. On the one hand, he declared me the most self-actualized woman he had ever known and, then, would claim I was a light weight, intellectually.
Really?? And, what were his contributions to intelligentsia? Oh, that’s right, he taught me about polyamory. I definitely needed that to expand my base of knowledge.
The tech guru needed me to program his iPhone. He had no clue. He wanted his second email account on it. I needed his password. No problem.
Monday. He was off for Columbus Day. I had plans to play bridge. I get an email from him while I was playing. I won’t bore you with the mundane, only the juice.
Hi Honey
Nature hike was fun. (A cute older lady came up after the hike and gave me her phone number! Supply and Demand I think.)
Am having awkward thoughts about Millie (Kentucky woman). She will probably find out about Kerry (his daughter) getting married at Ken’s (his son) wedding.
I know you believe in absolutes and everyone you date should know everything but she is a casual relationship. I think it is OK to have a lesser standard...I concur with a higher standard for us where you can know whatever you want.
I love you. Yesterday was fun.
xoxo John
I swear I almost left the bridge table to wring his neck. He’s worried about the Kentucky woman finding out about me????? Damn right, she should know about me. Casual??? He’s been traveling with her for three years! Lesser standard of honesty??? What the hell?! A cute older lady gave him her phone number??
I finish my game and called his cell. I ask him about why he was worried about Millie finding out about me....seemed really odd to me. (Now, there’s an understatement for our time.) He tells me he can’t talk right then; he’ll call me later. Of course, he’s with someone else.....obviously, not a male friend.
Every Monday at 6:30 p.m., I meet Jim for dinner and then we play in a bridge game. I’ve known him for a few years. Actually met him through John. I’ve always thought the world of him but we’ve never shared much on a deeper level. I sit down to my slice of pizza and the phone rings. It’s John. I ignore it. I tell Jim about the email.
He looks at me for a long time then asks, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course not.”
“What are you doing?”
Good God, what the hell am I doing? And that was it. I was done. It was over....but then I went a little berserk.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Where's the Joy?
Is there anything more important in life than joy? Isn’t that our mission? It is completely up to you to create joy in your life.
I opted to be totally there in this relationship....no chance for regrets, no stone unturned. I worked with him trying to create some semblance of order in his house, his yard....I spent days clearing weeds, planting, mulching. I cleaned and reorganized his kitchen....hoping against hope to get rid of the bugs. My arms and legs were covered with welts from bug bites. He’d spray me with OFF but it didn’t really help.
I was the one who accompanied him to minor surgeries, holding his hand and nursing him afterwards. It was my choice. I wanted to be there.
But, he wanted more women in his life. I found his profile on OKCupid....it’s free and he’s cheap. His profile was amusing....his picture was taken years ago and barely resembles him, he lists his age as 10 years younger...typical of the online dating scene. Ya get what you pay for.
As typical of me, I was reading one metaphysical book after another. At this point, I was reading Sandra Anne Taylor’s, The Truth about Attraction. What’s the truth about the Law of Attraction? You attract what vibrations you put out there is the general meaning of the law. I was reading it through the prism of my current, unsatisfying relationship, constantly asking myself what kind of vibrations am I emitting that I attract someone so out of sync with me.
I wrote out affirmations and put them up around my house....
I am powerful.
I am eternal and free--free from worry, limitation and fear.
I am Divine.
I am spirit.
I am love.
I am peace.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
He assured me he was committed to me, to our relationship, our future together. He was ADHD, he needed constant stimulation. He needed to learn about himself, to attain higher consciousness through relationships. He needed a support network. He had no friends. Only women could do this for him. Men were not evolved enough, he said.
Crap, crap and more crap. I had always thought his wounded ego could recover. I thought he would opt for a healthy, mature relationship over the need to be constantly fawned over. I told him he needed to catch up to me, my patience was wearing thin.
In late September I flew to Florida for my aunt’s funeral. When I returned, we met to take our favorite three mile walk. Almost immediately, he took exception to some innocuous remark I had made (so innocuous, I have no friggin’ clue what it was) and broke the peace between us.
I am powerful.
I am free.
I am spirit.
I was stunned by the contrast....the contrast between the unconditional love I’d experienced with my family in Florida and the love with limits I had with him. I knew what was going on. He was experiencing new “love” relationships.
I had stopped laughing. I had stopped writing. I had stopped going out with my friends.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
Good God, woman, get a grip!!!
I opted to be totally there in this relationship....no chance for regrets, no stone unturned. I worked with him trying to create some semblance of order in his house, his yard....I spent days clearing weeds, planting, mulching. I cleaned and reorganized his kitchen....hoping against hope to get rid of the bugs. My arms and legs were covered with welts from bug bites. He’d spray me with OFF but it didn’t really help.
I was the one who accompanied him to minor surgeries, holding his hand and nursing him afterwards. It was my choice. I wanted to be there.
But, he wanted more women in his life. I found his profile on OKCupid....it’s free and he’s cheap. His profile was amusing....his picture was taken years ago and barely resembles him, he lists his age as 10 years younger...typical of the online dating scene. Ya get what you pay for.
As typical of me, I was reading one metaphysical book after another. At this point, I was reading Sandra Anne Taylor’s, The Truth about Attraction. What’s the truth about the Law of Attraction? You attract what vibrations you put out there is the general meaning of the law. I was reading it through the prism of my current, unsatisfying relationship, constantly asking myself what kind of vibrations am I emitting that I attract someone so out of sync with me.
I wrote out affirmations and put them up around my house....
I am powerful.
I am eternal and free--free from worry, limitation and fear.
I am Divine.
I am spirit.
I am love.
I am peace.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
He assured me he was committed to me, to our relationship, our future together. He was ADHD, he needed constant stimulation. He needed to learn about himself, to attain higher consciousness through relationships. He needed a support network. He had no friends. Only women could do this for him. Men were not evolved enough, he said.
Crap, crap and more crap. I had always thought his wounded ego could recover. I thought he would opt for a healthy, mature relationship over the need to be constantly fawned over. I told him he needed to catch up to me, my patience was wearing thin.
In late September I flew to Florida for my aunt’s funeral. When I returned, we met to take our favorite three mile walk. Almost immediately, he took exception to some innocuous remark I had made (so innocuous, I have no friggin’ clue what it was) and broke the peace between us.
I am powerful.
I am free.
I am spirit.
I was stunned by the contrast....the contrast between the unconditional love I’d experienced with my family in Florida and the love with limits I had with him. I knew what was going on. He was experiencing new “love” relationships.
I had stopped laughing. I had stopped writing. I had stopped going out with my friends.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
Good God, woman, get a grip!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Unraveling
It seems so clear to you, right?
To me, it was like A Tale of Two Cities...”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.”
I was attracted to his exuberance for life...it was a match for mine. He laughed easily, encouraged my zany side, appreciated my journey into spiritualism. He was a free spirit. He loved to make a fool of himself. I repeatedly told him he was his own best audience. But, I laughed at him, too.
I overlooked his fear of delving deeper into himself, revealing his truths. He admired my ethics, my no-holds-barred approach to life. I dismissed the fact that he had no close friends in his daily life. I was shocked that he hadn’t voted in decades, but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me...although there is not one election in my lifetime that I sat out.
I have a positive spirit. I believe in everyone’s best self. Even when someone acts like a jerk, I know there’s a higher self in there just screaming to get out!
Communication was limited at best from the start. I wanted complete honesty, he was determined to keep his secrets. He admitted to being hypersensitive....overreacting to some innocuous remark by me or reading something into an inflection in my voice. Of course, I had my own issues. I was terribly insecure and anxiety-ridden in this relationship. What the hell was I doing?
And then we’d travel to California, Hawaii (twice in one year), Florida, Atlanta, Charleston, Boston. Traveling together was probably what we did best. We’d play bridge and sightsee....always taking advantage of the midnight whirlpool. Camping in Lily Dale, New York was invigorating....I hadn’t camped in probably 40 years and found I loved it even when the inevitable downpour threatened our good spirits. We just laughed, threw everything in the truck and took to the road.
I fell in love with Maui. Sad to say, it has bittersweet memories for me. The first trip he was in love with someone else who was jealous that I was with him on Valentine’s Day; a complete joke since he had never even ventured into a Hallmark store, much less gifted me with anything. The second trip we quarreled and he announced he would not be changing his plans....I would not be going to his son’s wedding.
I almost got on the next plane home. But, I didn’t and, instead, we planned our trip to Hana, the 52 mile road with over 620 curves. The scenery through the rainforest was breathtaking and I found the most pristine beach that I meditate on now daily, hoping to get back someday.
Oh, did I mention that his only good friend who lives in Lanai stayed with us on both trips? Not a successful formula for romance. I did say bittersweet, right?
But, I have to say I was quite the challenge myself. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve lost something critical to my well-being on a trip.
In Boston, I left my purse on the subway. Of course, it had my cell phone in it. I was panic-stricken...he was calm as calm could be. Transportation officials looked for it...nowhere to be found. Eventually, I phoned my son who reported that a woman in Cambridge had it and would bring it to the Copley the next day. Phew, good karma.
In Sacramento, I left my wallet on the table in a restaurant after dinner. I discovered it as we were leaving for the airport early the next morning. No ID to get on the plane. They actually accepted a magazine with my address on it. Called the restaurant, they had it. Fed-ex’d it the next day to me. Good karma, thank you. Again, he was calm and totally supportive.
In Orlando, my purse vanished along with my cell phone and ID in a convention room at the Marriott where hundreds of people were playing bridge in the national tournament. By this time, I was smart enough to be carrying my passport in my suitcase. Never got that purse back...had to buy another iPhone....good karma ran out. But, he was as loving as he could be. After that trip, he was in charge of my purse.
About four weeks into the ‘living together’ arrangement after our return from Hawaii and my return from my daughter’s wedding, he announced he was too tired. He needed more sleep, nights without me....especially, Friday night. He needed more time on his own.
He was bitter that he was not invited to attend my daughter’s wedding. She read this blog and knew his presence would mar her day. I was once told in a reading that she came into this life with all her past lives lessons learned. Oh, yeah....that is definitely my girl!
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness." The unraveling continues.
To me, it was like A Tale of Two Cities...”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.”
I was attracted to his exuberance for life...it was a match for mine. He laughed easily, encouraged my zany side, appreciated my journey into spiritualism. He was a free spirit. He loved to make a fool of himself. I repeatedly told him he was his own best audience. But, I laughed at him, too.
I overlooked his fear of delving deeper into himself, revealing his truths. He admired my ethics, my no-holds-barred approach to life. I dismissed the fact that he had no close friends in his daily life. I was shocked that he hadn’t voted in decades, but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me...although there is not one election in my lifetime that I sat out.
I have a positive spirit. I believe in everyone’s best self. Even when someone acts like a jerk, I know there’s a higher self in there just screaming to get out!
Communication was limited at best from the start. I wanted complete honesty, he was determined to keep his secrets. He admitted to being hypersensitive....overreacting to some innocuous remark by me or reading something into an inflection in my voice. Of course, I had my own issues. I was terribly insecure and anxiety-ridden in this relationship. What the hell was I doing?
And then we’d travel to California, Hawaii (twice in one year), Florida, Atlanta, Charleston, Boston. Traveling together was probably what we did best. We’d play bridge and sightsee....always taking advantage of the midnight whirlpool. Camping in Lily Dale, New York was invigorating....I hadn’t camped in probably 40 years and found I loved it even when the inevitable downpour threatened our good spirits. We just laughed, threw everything in the truck and took to the road.
I fell in love with Maui. Sad to say, it has bittersweet memories for me. The first trip he was in love with someone else who was jealous that I was with him on Valentine’s Day; a complete joke since he had never even ventured into a Hallmark store, much less gifted me with anything. The second trip we quarreled and he announced he would not be changing his plans....I would not be going to his son’s wedding.
I almost got on the next plane home. But, I didn’t and, instead, we planned our trip to Hana, the 52 mile road with over 620 curves. The scenery through the rainforest was breathtaking and I found the most pristine beach that I meditate on now daily, hoping to get back someday.
Oh, did I mention that his only good friend who lives in Lanai stayed with us on both trips? Not a successful formula for romance. I did say bittersweet, right?
But, I have to say I was quite the challenge myself. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve lost something critical to my well-being on a trip.
In Boston, I left my purse on the subway. Of course, it had my cell phone in it. I was panic-stricken...he was calm as calm could be. Transportation officials looked for it...nowhere to be found. Eventually, I phoned my son who reported that a woman in Cambridge had it and would bring it to the Copley the next day. Phew, good karma.
In Sacramento, I left my wallet on the table in a restaurant after dinner. I discovered it as we were leaving for the airport early the next morning. No ID to get on the plane. They actually accepted a magazine with my address on it. Called the restaurant, they had it. Fed-ex’d it the next day to me. Good karma, thank you. Again, he was calm and totally supportive.
In Orlando, my purse vanished along with my cell phone and ID in a convention room at the Marriott where hundreds of people were playing bridge in the national tournament. By this time, I was smart enough to be carrying my passport in my suitcase. Never got that purse back...had to buy another iPhone....good karma ran out. But, he was as loving as he could be. After that trip, he was in charge of my purse.
About four weeks into the ‘living together’ arrangement after our return from Hawaii and my return from my daughter’s wedding, he announced he was too tired. He needed more sleep, nights without me....especially, Friday night. He needed more time on his own.
He was bitter that he was not invited to attend my daughter’s wedding. She read this blog and knew his presence would mar her day. I was once told in a reading that she came into this life with all her past lives lessons learned. Oh, yeah....that is definitely my girl!
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness." The unraveling continues.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
What Happened?
We decided to try “living together.” Not exactly. I couldn’t stand his house with the overwhelming clutter, disgusting rough linens and bugs everywhere. He decided he couldn’t live in my house since it was a 25 minute longer commute to his job and his start time was 4 in the morning. We compromised....mainly, I compromised. He spent a couple of nights a week at my place. I stayed at his house most of the time.
For the first few weeks, it was all sweetness and light. We merged calendars and groceries, finding delight in being with each other, having dodged the bullet of permanently ending it. We planned trips to Maui and Lily Dale. He helped me host parties; I cooked healthy meals. We went dancing and played bridge.
In the evening, he turned on the TV and watched his USA shows. I hadn’t watched TV in ages, preferring to read whatever was on my kindle...metaphysics, mysteries, autobiographies. I stopped reading. I watched him devour endless vats of popcorn covered with salt followed by countless Trader Joe’s fruit floes. This went on for hours after a pretty decent dinner! He’s a binge eater...ya think??
Bedtime had to be at a decent hour...duh...work starts at 4 a.m. I let him dictate the schedule since I had more flexibility. Tried to sleep...most nights, I couldn’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe, my subconscious just knew it wasn’t right. Maybe, I couldn't adjust to his schedule.
When we first decided to try this arrangement, he suggested a two month trial. He cleared his calendar, as he put it. Why two months? Exactly, what had he cleared? Two months away was his son’s wedding. He had asked someone else....a woman in Kentucky that he’d been traveling with for three years. Did I have a clue about that? No! He just conveniently never mentioned that he had a female travel companion.
I asked him to take me to the wedding since we were allegedly committed now. He was also supposed to travel with her to Russia in October. He dodged the question. He’d decide later about whether or not he would cancel his plans.
RED FLAG!!!
But, I hung in there...believing the dynamics of love would overcome his need for multiple female partners. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted the relationship to continue.
But, as anyone could see....with the exception of me....this was the making of a doomed-from-the-start relationship. I fell hook, line, and sinker for the “abandonment” ploy. Remember, his wife had abandoned him when she fell in love with her boss and had a five year affair before bailing on him and the kids. He, supposedly, had been faithful to her for 25 years.
But, I have two questions here:
1) What the hell took her so long? He would truly be a nightmare to live with due to his inability to organize his life including his finances, his my way or the highway mentality, his screwed up ethics, his hypersensitivity and primitive communication skills, his lack of focus and intellectuality due to his overconsumption of hallucinogens back in the day, which has totally impacted his life today.
2) Really, who could buy that he was completely faithful? Give me a break!
But, I bought it. Oh, no, I won’t abandon you even when you are unfaithful and disrespectful and dishonest. I bought that I was his love....even when I knew he was pursuing other women.
Oh, and, of course, he didn’t break the wedding date or trip to Russia with the Kentucky woman. But, you knew that. I stayed.
We tried counseling with Susan, my favorite psychotherapist. He loved her. But, he hated having to sit down and work on revealing himself. The first session he was still in love with being together. She gave us an 85% chance of making it. Two weeks later, he was talking polyamory again and blaming me for any communication issues. She was nonjudgmental, as was I.
I’m open, I said to myself. After all, we made a vow to each other. We had written living wills and given them to our children. We were looking at buying a retirement house. Our future was together.
I was convinced we could weather it all.
For the first few weeks, it was all sweetness and light. We merged calendars and groceries, finding delight in being with each other, having dodged the bullet of permanently ending it. We planned trips to Maui and Lily Dale. He helped me host parties; I cooked healthy meals. We went dancing and played bridge.
In the evening, he turned on the TV and watched his USA shows. I hadn’t watched TV in ages, preferring to read whatever was on my kindle...metaphysics, mysteries, autobiographies. I stopped reading. I watched him devour endless vats of popcorn covered with salt followed by countless Trader Joe’s fruit floes. This went on for hours after a pretty decent dinner! He’s a binge eater...ya think??
Bedtime had to be at a decent hour...duh...work starts at 4 a.m. I let him dictate the schedule since I had more flexibility. Tried to sleep...most nights, I couldn’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe, my subconscious just knew it wasn’t right. Maybe, I couldn't adjust to his schedule.
When we first decided to try this arrangement, he suggested a two month trial. He cleared his calendar, as he put it. Why two months? Exactly, what had he cleared? Two months away was his son’s wedding. He had asked someone else....a woman in Kentucky that he’d been traveling with for three years. Did I have a clue about that? No! He just conveniently never mentioned that he had a female travel companion.
I asked him to take me to the wedding since we were allegedly committed now. He was also supposed to travel with her to Russia in October. He dodged the question. He’d decide later about whether or not he would cancel his plans.
RED FLAG!!!
But, I hung in there...believing the dynamics of love would overcome his need for multiple female partners. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted the relationship to continue.
But, as anyone could see....with the exception of me....this was the making of a doomed-from-the-start relationship. I fell hook, line, and sinker for the “abandonment” ploy. Remember, his wife had abandoned him when she fell in love with her boss and had a five year affair before bailing on him and the kids. He, supposedly, had been faithful to her for 25 years.
But, I have two questions here:
1) What the hell took her so long? He would truly be a nightmare to live with due to his inability to organize his life including his finances, his my way or the highway mentality, his screwed up ethics, his hypersensitivity and primitive communication skills, his lack of focus and intellectuality due to his overconsumption of hallucinogens back in the day, which has totally impacted his life today.
2) Really, who could buy that he was completely faithful? Give me a break!
But, I bought it. Oh, no, I won’t abandon you even when you are unfaithful and disrespectful and dishonest. I bought that I was his love....even when I knew he was pursuing other women.
Oh, and, of course, he didn’t break the wedding date or trip to Russia with the Kentucky woman. But, you knew that. I stayed.
We tried counseling with Susan, my favorite psychotherapist. He loved her. But, he hated having to sit down and work on revealing himself. The first session he was still in love with being together. She gave us an 85% chance of making it. Two weeks later, he was talking polyamory again and blaming me for any communication issues. She was nonjudgmental, as was I.
I’m open, I said to myself. After all, we made a vow to each other. We had written living wills and given them to our children. We were looking at buying a retirement house. Our future was together.
I was convinced we could weather it all.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Back To The Future
I went back to Cassadaga to get another reading. There was a whole, heavenly crowd trying to get through to me. My grandmother was the spokesperson but Edith, John’s mother, couldn’t resist speaking her truth to me.
“Where are your boundaries?” my Grandmother asks. Edith was harsher, “Kick him to the curb,” referring to her son. I get my resolve. I have to do this.
But, they also say ‘never say never.’ I’m reminded by them that I have free will. They are definite he is my soulmate, but maybe it wasn’t meant to work out in this lifetime. It is up to me.
Edith tells me she is my matchmaker that I am too loving to be alone...she will make sure she puts someone in my path. She says she had done this once before. She regrets John didn’t learn his life lesson....to love deeply after heartbreak.
They say I asked John to come into my life. I question myself. What are the lessons I had with John? I know one is to love profoundly again. Another one is for me to define my boundaries.
I hear the chorus from my readers....”DUH!!”
I agree to see him when I return from Hilton Head. He’s aware that I have been distant. He asks up front what I am feeling. I tell him I cannot see him again....no, we cannot be friends....no, I cannot play bridge with him any longer. I am prepared to lose my place in our social bridge groups...no, we cannot travel together.
He offers alternatives while we are with other people. I tell him I cannot agree to his conditions. Absolutely out of the question for me! I will not be with him if he is not exclusive with me.
We’ve had five years of huge ups and downs....it’s been a roller coaster. I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!! But, I have a love for him and he for me. It is undeniable.
I could not have him in my life in any way if I end it. It would have to be a clean break so I could start over again. How can I give my heart to another if he holds it?
I give him an ultimatum....”We are exclusive or we are nothing. No alternatives!”
Our eyes meet.
“This is not a judgment of you. It is about me...what I must have to go on. I am prepared to go either way. You can stay or you can go. I will be fine with whatever you decide.”
“What happened?”
“I just had an epiphany while we were apart for two weeks and I know what I will deal with and what I won’t. I am over 60 years old and I DON’T want to be with anyone who doesn’t cherish me. I want someone who is stable, who is complete with me...someone who is independent, not needy. Someone who can be my best friend, someone I can talk to about anything...not someone who has certain topics that are off limits. I may only have one year left in my life and I don’t want to spend it being heartbroken.”
“Wow...you caught me completely off guard. I don’t want to lose you. When I look at my future, you are with me. I dearly love you. What would you want to do?”
“It’s been five years of cat and mouse games. There’s no more time. This is it. The future is now. We need to figure out if we can make it work. We need to live together.”
“Where?”
“I’m not wild about living in your house...that’s where you lived with your ex. At least, I didn’t live with my husband at my place.”
“The commute from there wouldn’t be so bad, but I still have a lot to do on my house to get it ready to put on the market.”
“Well, maybe, we could live in my house during the week and your house on the weekends.”
“Okay, let’s try it. Let’s see if it can work. I know we need a lot of help with communication issues....like when you write things in your blog about me that completely devastate me. But, I’m the one who has always loved you through it all. I know it will be a struggle with your children.”
“Their issue is my issue. The obvious. I just can’t do that anymore. I’m hopeful they’ll come around with time. Plus, Susan will still be around and will meet with us together to help us be the best we can be for each other.”
“My children adore you....and so do I. I can’t see my life without you in it. I’m clearing my calendar. We’ll spend every possible minute together over the next couple of months and then look at how our future stacks up.”
That is our agreement. For me, that means canceling my trip to Miami next weekend. Sammy will be disappointed and so will several of my readers. Yes, he’s nice, accomplished and stable, but I could just never get a real connection.
John and I will be camping in Lily Dale, New York, next weekend...I’m taking him for his first reading by a medium. I can’t wait to see what message he gets! Hopefully, Edith will offer him guidance.
I am ending my blog, “60 Year Old Female Looking for Mr. Right.” Boundaries. I guess I’m finally defining them. Our relationship has been too public. I must give us a fighting chance at making this work. Maybe, I have found Mr. Right. It’s a love that has survived too much scrutiny and now we must close the door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Readers,
Thank you for joining me on this journey of self-reflection. I so appreciate your support and honesty. I have a true mixture of sadness and joy. It’s my first foray into writing and I have loved every minute of it.
John and I are tossing out ideas for the next blog....How does “Hippies in Their Sixties” sound???
Ya gotta laugh!!
Love,
Brenda
Back to Black
“I don’t understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many bigger things at hand
I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not f--- myself in the head with stupid men.”
Could’ve been my words. Could’ve been the words of so many women aching for Mr. Right.
Not my words....they’re Amy Winehouse’s in her song, “Tears Dry On Their Own.”
I never had a clue. I didn’t follow her. I never heard her music until after she died...at age 27. What did I know?
My son sat me down last week and played her music for me. I was stunned. She was a jazz vocalist on her first album, Frank....a 60s soul singer on her second and final album, Back to Black. She was 19 when her first album was released, 22 when Back to Black won acclaim. She won five Grammys that year, 2006, including Best Pop Vocal Album.
When I listened to her first album this week, I broke down and sobbed. My God, her phrasing, her originality, her range. Her version of the Gershwin classic, “Someone To Watch Over Me,” puts Ella to shame. “Tenderly,” made famous by Sarah Vaughan, is absolutely uniquely breathtaking. Watch the video on YouTube...she’s 19, beautiful, seemingly naive. She loved Carol King, making “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and “To Know Him is to Love Him,” mainstays in her repertoire.
Mostly, she sang her songs....I am no critic....but I would say they’re simple and raw. She is hungry for love, obsessed by her need for a man. She’s well aware that she’s destroying herself and hates that she cannot get in control. In “What Is It About Men,” she sings
“I’m nurturing, I just wanna do my thing,
And I’ll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
And I question myself again: what is it ‘bout men?”
And what woman who has chosen the bad boy cannot relate to this???!!!
In “Wake Up Alone,” she’s trying to recover from a break up...
“It’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I’m not drinking
Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets”
We’ve all been there!!! You know you’re lying in bed thinking of the man whether you sent him packing or he sent you packing....you have to get a new life and the nights are torture.
“Rehab” talks about the obvious....she just won’t do it. I’ve had my own battles with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. For years, I smoked weed daily...only stopping when I ran for political office. Not good for my future to be arrested for an illegal substance. Drinking? Bingeing, occasionally...I swear I don’t need the 12-Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous...but maybe I’m fooling myself. Just like Amy...
‘no, no, no.’ The cigarettes? Can go without them for years and then start to binge occasionally on them, too.
“Rehab” from Back to Black just undoes me.
“They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go.”
“I don’t ever wanna drink again,
I just ooh I just need a friend,
I’m not gonna spend ten weeks,
have everyone think I’m on the mend
It’s not just my pride
It’s just ‘til these tears have dried.”
One of her producers remembers her as a teenager sitting in a corner smoking incessantly, a 2-pack a day smoker...she got emphysema in her 20s!
Her rebellion started long before she was even in high school -- acidic relationships, drugs, alcohol...cutting!
She was absorbed in self-destruction until it was time for her to perform...at least, in the early days. Then, she would hurl those demons aside and produce the most soul stirring rendition of her life for the world to marvel at. She unashamedly put her life on the line for all to know. She was nothing if not explicit.
Unfortunately, the world unfamiliar with her depth will only remember her for her self-abuse.
Explicit is why I relate to her. God knows, I’m out there for the world to see, too...the violent childhood, the need to be loved, the tragedy of dealing with loss from AIDS, raising children singlehandedly, my battle against drinking and cigarettes. Thank God, I’m blessed with a view of the world through rose colored glasses....I always know things will be better.
Sadly, she evokes the memories of so many of our generation who self-destructed amid forays into their demons taking with them their considerable talent and unpredictable futures. Janis Joplin....another soul singer I never appreciated until long after her passing. Jim Morrison...Jimi Hendrix...it’s tragic, heart wrenching.
You think to yourself....HOW COULD THEY??? What about their families? Their friends? Their fans? How could they throw away the amazing gifts they were given? How could they let their demons be in control?
But, of course, it’s not about their friends and families...It’s about them. Too much fear, not enough love.
I just have to believe there’s a magnificent chorus on the other side.
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many bigger things at hand
I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not f--- myself in the head with stupid men.”
Could’ve been my words. Could’ve been the words of so many women aching for Mr. Right.
Not my words....they’re Amy Winehouse’s in her song, “Tears Dry On Their Own.”
I never had a clue. I didn’t follow her. I never heard her music until after she died...at age 27. What did I know?
My son sat me down last week and played her music for me. I was stunned. She was a jazz vocalist on her first album, Frank....a 60s soul singer on her second and final album, Back to Black. She was 19 when her first album was released, 22 when Back to Black won acclaim. She won five Grammys that year, 2006, including Best Pop Vocal Album.
When I listened to her first album this week, I broke down and sobbed. My God, her phrasing, her originality, her range. Her version of the Gershwin classic, “Someone To Watch Over Me,” puts Ella to shame. “Tenderly,” made famous by Sarah Vaughan, is absolutely uniquely breathtaking. Watch the video on YouTube...she’s 19, beautiful, seemingly naive. She loved Carol King, making “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” and “To Know Him is to Love Him,” mainstays in her repertoire.
Mostly, she sang her songs....I am no critic....but I would say they’re simple and raw. She is hungry for love, obsessed by her need for a man. She’s well aware that she’s destroying herself and hates that she cannot get in control. In “What Is It About Men,” she sings
“I’m nurturing, I just wanna do my thing,
And I’ll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
And I question myself again: what is it ‘bout men?”
And what woman who has chosen the bad boy cannot relate to this???!!!
In “Wake Up Alone,” she’s trying to recover from a break up...
“It’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I’m not drinking
Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets”
We’ve all been there!!! You know you’re lying in bed thinking of the man whether you sent him packing or he sent you packing....you have to get a new life and the nights are torture.
“Rehab” talks about the obvious....she just won’t do it. I’ve had my own battles with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. For years, I smoked weed daily...only stopping when I ran for political office. Not good for my future to be arrested for an illegal substance. Drinking? Bingeing, occasionally...I swear I don’t need the 12-Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous...but maybe I’m fooling myself. Just like Amy...
‘no, no, no.’ The cigarettes? Can go without them for years and then start to binge occasionally on them, too.
“Rehab” from Back to Black just undoes me.
“They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go.”
“I don’t ever wanna drink again,
I just ooh I just need a friend,
I’m not gonna spend ten weeks,
have everyone think I’m on the mend
It’s not just my pride
It’s just ‘til these tears have dried.”
One of her producers remembers her as a teenager sitting in a corner smoking incessantly, a 2-pack a day smoker...she got emphysema in her 20s!
Her rebellion started long before she was even in high school -- acidic relationships, drugs, alcohol...cutting!
She was absorbed in self-destruction until it was time for her to perform...at least, in the early days. Then, she would hurl those demons aside and produce the most soul stirring rendition of her life for the world to marvel at. She unashamedly put her life on the line for all to know. She was nothing if not explicit.
Unfortunately, the world unfamiliar with her depth will only remember her for her self-abuse.
Explicit is why I relate to her. God knows, I’m out there for the world to see, too...the violent childhood, the need to be loved, the tragedy of dealing with loss from AIDS, raising children singlehandedly, my battle against drinking and cigarettes. Thank God, I’m blessed with a view of the world through rose colored glasses....I always know things will be better.
Sadly, she evokes the memories of so many of our generation who self-destructed amid forays into their demons taking with them their considerable talent and unpredictable futures. Janis Joplin....another soul singer I never appreciated until long after her passing. Jim Morrison...Jimi Hendrix...it’s tragic, heart wrenching.
You think to yourself....HOW COULD THEY??? What about their families? Their friends? Their fans? How could they throw away the amazing gifts they were given? How could they let their demons be in control?
But, of course, it’s not about their friends and families...It’s about them. Too much fear, not enough love.
I just have to believe there’s a magnificent chorus on the other side.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
What About Sammy?
I’m soul searching here....can I be or should I be in a committed relationship with John?
Yes, I Looove him, but the communication problems loom large. Off the cuff remarks are ‘attacks’...expressing my displeasure is going ‘ballistic’....there is this hypersensitivity that inhibits honest dialogue.
Then there is the lifestyle he espouses....the polyamorous life where everybody loves everybody...somehow, this is not ringing reality for me. BUT...I am maintaining an open mind, while sleeping with one eye open.
I continue seeing Sammy. As you know, I am not particularly keen on people in psychology. I think the overwhelming majority of them go into it because they have deep seated problems themselves.
Susan, my psychotherapist, is my #1 exception. I absolutely believe in her....she will be direct with me but not judgmental, plus she’s been in a healthy, loving relationship for decades. I feel safe with her.
But, back to Sammy. He’s got the Ph.D. from Johns Hopkins in Psychology and is a psych professor in Miami. But, you know all that. I am not impressed by any of that because of my inherent resistance to psych people. He has to prove he’s genuinely sane!
So, I test him. I finally get the nerve to ask him why his two long-term relationships went belly up. He didn’t bat an eyelash. Over an hour....I timed him...he spoke openly about how he and his first wife grew apart. They had married very young and, eventually, she wanted to spread her wings and become independent. His take was that he had always supported her growth, but was resistant to ending the marriage. They ended amicably and are friends today. That’s a huge plus in my book!!
He then married a colleague....so there was not that lack of commonality. Which was the problem. Too much togetherness. Not enough to sustain them outside of the office. She was 10 years younger and, evidently, that added to the lack of sustainability. Don’t ask me....I’m just saying.
And, even though he still lives in Miami, he’s in Maryland a lot! He just bought a house in Pennsylvania just over the Maryland border so he could be closer to his daughters when he retires next year.
I call him the luckiest guy in America. Why? He was so worried about carrying three mortgages...the Pennsylvania house, the Virginia cabin and the South Beach condo. Well, the cabin sold in three days and the condo sold in three weeks. Closings all happening within a month. Do you think the gods are with him or what?!
He has wanted me to send him pieces of my writing since we met. I finally sent him a few of my blog posts. Intrigued, he asked, “How do I fare in your writing?”
I respond, “Incredibly well. You’re one of the few survivors.”
Yes, I Looove him, but the communication problems loom large. Off the cuff remarks are ‘attacks’...expressing my displeasure is going ‘ballistic’....there is this hypersensitivity that inhibits honest dialogue.
Then there is the lifestyle he espouses....the polyamorous life where everybody loves everybody...somehow, this is not ringing reality for me. BUT...I am maintaining an open mind, while sleeping with one eye open.
I continue seeing Sammy. As you know, I am not particularly keen on people in psychology. I think the overwhelming majority of them go into it because they have deep seated problems themselves.
Susan, my psychotherapist, is my #1 exception. I absolutely believe in her....she will be direct with me but not judgmental, plus she’s been in a healthy, loving relationship for decades. I feel safe with her.
But, back to Sammy. He’s got the Ph.D. from Johns Hopkins in Psychology and is a psych professor in Miami. But, you know all that. I am not impressed by any of that because of my inherent resistance to psych people. He has to prove he’s genuinely sane!
So, I test him. I finally get the nerve to ask him why his two long-term relationships went belly up. He didn’t bat an eyelash. Over an hour....I timed him...he spoke openly about how he and his first wife grew apart. They had married very young and, eventually, she wanted to spread her wings and become independent. His take was that he had always supported her growth, but was resistant to ending the marriage. They ended amicably and are friends today. That’s a huge plus in my book!!
He then married a colleague....so there was not that lack of commonality. Which was the problem. Too much togetherness. Not enough to sustain them outside of the office. She was 10 years younger and, evidently, that added to the lack of sustainability. Don’t ask me....I’m just saying.
And, even though he still lives in Miami, he’s in Maryland a lot! He just bought a house in Pennsylvania just over the Maryland border so he could be closer to his daughters when he retires next year.
I call him the luckiest guy in America. Why? He was so worried about carrying three mortgages...the Pennsylvania house, the Virginia cabin and the South Beach condo. Well, the cabin sold in three days and the condo sold in three weeks. Closings all happening within a month. Do you think the gods are with him or what?!
He has wanted me to send him pieces of my writing since we met. I finally sent him a few of my blog posts. Intrigued, he asked, “How do I fare in your writing?”
I respond, “Incredibly well. You’re one of the few survivors.”
Life Is Good
Okay, I’ve got my political rant out of my system so will return to the personal one. John wanted back in.
We still played bridge and traveled together to tournaments. While he was in love, we were in Tennessee on what seemed like a spiritual retreat. We hiked and meditated in the national forest there. One night, I held him as he had what I thought would be a true transformation....from operating out of fear to operating out of love. I encouraged him to confront his greatest fear....of loving deeply again....walk through the door, I said. Chi flowed through one to the other. The connection was impossible to deny.
We both were profoundly moved.
He didn’t like that he spent Mother’s Day alone while my kids were cheering me on at the Poetry and Prose Reading. He didn’t like being on the outs with my family. He wanted to be back in the fold.
I was dating other men, enjoying the attention but not investing a lot of energy or emotion into them.
Initially, I resisted his desire to be more important in my life....throwing it up to him that he was more than willing to dispense with me when he fell in love with someone else. At first, there was denial...later, he agreed, saying that experience was an anomaly.
He wanted a commitment from me. He had a love for me that would be there forever..a conjugal love, he termed it. He saw us together. He wanted us to start seeing each other more...a few times a week was his vision. He was committed to our getting counseling when problems arose.
We wrote living wills together. My God! This is serious.
We decide to meet with my kids to try to get him back in their good graces.
We wrote guidelines for improving our communication....always a major stumbling block.
This is what Edith had hoped for, right? And, hadn’t the medium told me there was marriage around me? A spiritual marriage. A meeting of souls...you knew him in a past life. It all fit.
I lowered my resistance to a commitment. He ended his relationship with the psychotherapist to make trust easier for me.
Life is good.
God Help Us
Okay, I admit...I love to get my news from The Onion...best fake news source ‘evah’!
My favorite story of the week....God Urges Rick Perry not to run for POTUS.
Yep...couldn’t get the #1 endorsement! “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy for the Presidency and He said no,” Governor Perry told reporters last week. Why? God did not like his stand on not taking federal stimulus benefits to help the jobless and he cited Perry’s irresponsible talk about seceding from the union and his overall lack of solutions to the nation’s problems. You go, GOD! I always knew God was a Democrat!
Now, could God get crackin’ on the Republicans in the House? How is it that the Congress is still debating about plunging this country into a dire economic meltdown?
Eric Cantor: “It is a question that, I think, is worthy of serious consideration. Should we take steps to avoid a crippling, decades-long depression that would lead to disastrous consequences on a worldwide scale? Or should we not do that?” He adds, “And, if we’re still discussing the matter on August 2, well, then, so be it.”
This is where the fake news scooped reality!
How is it that the Spend the Nation Into the Greatest Recession Ever Republican Party is NOW concerned about the deficit??? And now they’re willing to hurl the WORLD into a meltdown??? They had a president that doggedly led us into two unnecessary wars and coupled that with huge tax cuts for the wealthy and now they are hell bent on ruining everybody EXCEPT the wealthiest Americans!
And, yet, they somehow have convinced the ‘little guy’ they’re on their side....I DON’T THINK SO!!! Wake up, people!!
God help us!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Lucy's Voice
I humiliate myself. Seriously. I’m so focused on my love drama that I lose sight of the big picture out there. I get brought up short by Lucy’s recent email to me. Lucy’s my sister in Denver who lost her big job five years ago and has been free lance writing ever since. That’s not enough to pay the bills.
She just turn 62 last week. She’s brilliant. She’s broke.
Her Voice:
“I wish everyone knew what I see. As I stand on a street corner for my job, soliciting donations for a nonprofit, I talk with countless people -- young and old -- who are seeking jobs. they are barely making it. It is so sad -- and yet, I identify with that edge of existence.
Tonight, I watched a homeless man searching the street gutters and sidewalks for coins to buy food. He was not a drug or alcohol addict. He needed money for food, he said. I had no money to give him but then I remembered my dinner sandwich and potato chips in the baggie in my handbag -- the one you gave me in Highlands for my birthday. I gave my little dinner to him. He thanked me and began eating it immediately.
I realized how many people are struggling -- from the 23 year old college grad looking for jobs to that elderly man, probably my age, who can’t get a job. I listen to people with stories like this every day. They have no idea that I’m just a shade away from their realities. I wish I could make a difference in their lives as I struggle to regain my own life.
Most of the people with whom I work are in their early 20s -- I’m the oldest person they ever hired. A risk? I more than doubled my fundraising quota and was hired on my first day. It’s rare apparently.
Next to me in age is Simone, a French-born woman who is so colorful and upbeat -- tattoos and mini skirts, beautiful facial bone structure and vivacious personalty. She was an ice skater who trained with Nancy Kerrigan for the Olympics.
I relish hearing the life stories of my coworkers and those of people I interact with on the street. It’s truly amazing. Some of my coworkers are from very wealthy families -- others are struggling and taking time off from college or can’t find work.
Because of the pressure on fundraising quotas, I’m not sure how long this job will last. But, guess what?! I went out with my ‘trainer’ today who couldn’t raise a dime. If he came back with no money, he’d be fired. So, I gave him credit for some of the cash funds that I’d raised.
It’s a very different world.
God bless Lucy and all the others who are struggling to survive. They humble me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
It's Just Too "Woo Woo"
The day we walked was gloomy...matching our moods. Cold and rainy. We had hidden so much from each other. Obviously, our communication sucked. We danced around each other, never going through the front door. We both laid it all out there at Lake Elkhorn.
He was in love...allegedly with me and someone else. There had been someone for several months. He wanted us all to be friends. I was not open to that. He needed more freedom to experience the personal growth that came with new friendships and relationships.
I actually felt this great sense of relief. Finally, I knew. So, with that out of the way, we just talked for hours in the rain. He said I never shared with him about what I was doing or studying, so I opened up to him about my metaphysical journey that started with my trip to Omega in upstate New York. I told him about the Soul Connection workshop, Hay House radio, the Law of Attraction stuff.
It's just too "woo woo" for most people and I had certainly pigeon-holed him in that category. But, he surprised me. He listened actively.
We both left sad...a post-mortem feeling really. So much we could've shared, so much we could've been. He said he still loved me. I loved him. Incompletely. Unfulfilled.
I pushed my reset button. I started writing this blog as Movin' On. I needed to get strong, be who I really am, get into other relationships...I needed therapy and I needed to give myself positive and loving messages. I felt this tremendous feeling of freedom.
I skewered him on more than one occasion...but he was steadfast in his devotion. We still played bridge on Thursdays and we still traveled to tournaments.
One Sunday, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment with me before we played bridge. I really didn't expect him to go but he did. At the end of the service, when the mediums were giving messages to people in the congregation, Edith came to me.
"There's a motherly spirit with you. She says her name is Edith. Do you know her?" I shake my head "no." Shocked, John nervously whispers, "That's my mother!"
I nod my head "yes." And her message is 'people will try to stand in your way, but you are on the right path.' I am stunned and John looks like he's been hit by a ton of bricks. I'm not sure he really believed what had just happened, but a week later I was in Cassadaga getting a two hour reading and Edith was with me the entire time.
"There is an older lady here; there's a kindness with her. She never met a stranger. She has a lot of energy. She is very family oriented and there are many extended family members. She's a great integrater of people, especially for holiday gatherings. There's a motherly/grandmotherly vibration with her. She's showing me the name Anna."
"She is very pleased you are reaching out so far, you are standing on your tiptoes. It won't be long before you can intuit; you do it very well. You are very sensitive, you have the gift. Look for more of that to happen. You are blooming. She is very happy for you."
"This older lady feels like you are a daughter to her. She's looking forward to having you bring her through as you develop your medium skills."
I ask her about John's path. "I like your path better. He is stubborn. He doesn't listen anyway." She wants me to know she's been with me for some time. You are on a higher path and she's saying she wants to take it with you. She didn't get to do it when she was on earth but she wanted to.
I share all this with John. I ask who Anna was. "She was a neighbor. She was lovely. She died young of brain cancer." He affirmed his mom always said he never listened. "Everybody's out of step but John," was the way she put it.
Yep, it's just all too "woo woo".... but he's a believer now!
He was in love...allegedly with me and someone else. There had been someone for several months. He wanted us all to be friends. I was not open to that. He needed more freedom to experience the personal growth that came with new friendships and relationships.
I actually felt this great sense of relief. Finally, I knew. So, with that out of the way, we just talked for hours in the rain. He said I never shared with him about what I was doing or studying, so I opened up to him about my metaphysical journey that started with my trip to Omega in upstate New York. I told him about the Soul Connection workshop, Hay House radio, the Law of Attraction stuff.
It's just too "woo woo" for most people and I had certainly pigeon-holed him in that category. But, he surprised me. He listened actively.
We both left sad...a post-mortem feeling really. So much we could've shared, so much we could've been. He said he still loved me. I loved him. Incompletely. Unfulfilled.
I pushed my reset button. I started writing this blog as Movin' On. I needed to get strong, be who I really am, get into other relationships...I needed therapy and I needed to give myself positive and loving messages. I felt this tremendous feeling of freedom.
I skewered him on more than one occasion...but he was steadfast in his devotion. We still played bridge on Thursdays and we still traveled to tournaments.
One Sunday, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment with me before we played bridge. I really didn't expect him to go but he did. At the end of the service, when the mediums were giving messages to people in the congregation, Edith came to me.
"There's a motherly spirit with you. She says her name is Edith. Do you know her?" I shake my head "no." Shocked, John nervously whispers, "That's my mother!"
I nod my head "yes." And her message is 'people will try to stand in your way, but you are on the right path.' I am stunned and John looks like he's been hit by a ton of bricks. I'm not sure he really believed what had just happened, but a week later I was in Cassadaga getting a two hour reading and Edith was with me the entire time.
"There is an older lady here; there's a kindness with her. She never met a stranger. She has a lot of energy. She is very family oriented and there are many extended family members. She's a great integrater of people, especially for holiday gatherings. There's a motherly/grandmotherly vibration with her. She's showing me the name Anna."
"She is very pleased you are reaching out so far, you are standing on your tiptoes. It won't be long before you can intuit; you do it very well. You are very sensitive, you have the gift. Look for more of that to happen. You are blooming. She is very happy for you."
"This older lady feels like you are a daughter to her. She's looking forward to having you bring her through as you develop your medium skills."
I ask her about John's path. "I like your path better. He is stubborn. He doesn't listen anyway." She wants me to know she's been with me for some time. You are on a higher path and she's saying she wants to take it with you. She didn't get to do it when she was on earth but she wanted to.
I share all this with John. I ask who Anna was. "She was a neighbor. She was lovely. She died young of brain cancer." He affirmed his mom always said he never listened. "Everybody's out of step but John," was the way she put it.
Yep, it's just all too "woo woo".... but he's a believer now!
What Happened to Paradise?
I know it's crazy. I'm hearing voices and listening??!! Yep, it's Edith. Of course, I had no idea who Edith was. But, I heard, "Just love him" plain as day.
And the dance continued. We played bridge civilly...no arguments or put downs. There was the occasional movie...the occasional walk..the occasional dinner. No plan or schedule except for playing social bridge on Thursday nights. He came for diner and stayed after bridge...usually leaving early on Friday.
What we did best was travel together. Always to bridge tournaments all over the country...Atlanta, Charleston, Sacramento, Orlando, Boston, Hilton Head Island. We would spend five days together planning sightseeing trips, daily workouts, midnight whirlpool excursions, playing lots of bridge, laughing easily.
I never asked him about what he was really doing when he wasn't with me. He rarely brought it up. I knew he loved me. But, I also strongly felt the disconnect. There was the elephant in the room and we both knew it.
John asked me to go to Hawaii with him. His best friend lived on Lanai and his son had died instantly in a car his father was driving...hit in Houston by a semi 10 minutes after picking up the car at the airport...a father-son trip ending in the worst tragedy imaginable. Of course, I would go...John cannot handle emotional events. He was going to support his friend; I was to be the rock. And, coincidentally, there would be a bridge tournament while we were there...I kid you not. What timing, huh?
He made all the arrangements, sending me a one line email..."Having you with me in paradise? Priceless!"
My heart soared.
And, it WAS priceless...the entire trip...whale watching, snorkeling, outrigger canoeing, the dinner cruise, the memorial service, getting to know his wounded friend We even won the tournament! Heaven sent.
And then it was over. And he disappeared. No plans, no calls, cryptic emails. He had dispensed with me and I had no idea why.
This was before I'd found my Diamond Self or Love in 90 Days or Susan or Why Men Love Bitches.
I sent him a Dear John letter and he replied he was thinking the same thing but would like to keep playing bridge together. Seriously...this after the glorious 10 days in "paradise."
"Just love him?!" I don't think so.
We agreed to meet at Lake Elkhorn for a walk. I wanted to know the whole story and he finally came clean.
And the dance continued. We played bridge civilly...no arguments or put downs. There was the occasional movie...the occasional walk..the occasional dinner. No plan or schedule except for playing social bridge on Thursday nights. He came for diner and stayed after bridge...usually leaving early on Friday.
What we did best was travel together. Always to bridge tournaments all over the country...Atlanta, Charleston, Sacramento, Orlando, Boston, Hilton Head Island. We would spend five days together planning sightseeing trips, daily workouts, midnight whirlpool excursions, playing lots of bridge, laughing easily.
I never asked him about what he was really doing when he wasn't with me. He rarely brought it up. I knew he loved me. But, I also strongly felt the disconnect. There was the elephant in the room and we both knew it.
John asked me to go to Hawaii with him. His best friend lived on Lanai and his son had died instantly in a car his father was driving...hit in Houston by a semi 10 minutes after picking up the car at the airport...a father-son trip ending in the worst tragedy imaginable. Of course, I would go...John cannot handle emotional events. He was going to support his friend; I was to be the rock. And, coincidentally, there would be a bridge tournament while we were there...I kid you not. What timing, huh?
He made all the arrangements, sending me a one line email..."Having you with me in paradise? Priceless!"
My heart soared.
And, it WAS priceless...the entire trip...whale watching, snorkeling, outrigger canoeing, the dinner cruise, the memorial service, getting to know his wounded friend We even won the tournament! Heaven sent.
And then it was over. And he disappeared. No plans, no calls, cryptic emails. He had dispensed with me and I had no idea why.
This was before I'd found my Diamond Self or Love in 90 Days or Susan or Why Men Love Bitches.
I sent him a Dear John letter and he replied he was thinking the same thing but would like to keep playing bridge together. Seriously...this after the glorious 10 days in "paradise."
"Just love him?!" I don't think so.
We agreed to meet at Lake Elkhorn for a walk. I wanted to know the whole story and he finally came clean.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Fractured
I picked up the phone and was swept away by his relief, his hope, his willingness to be a more loving bridge partner. And, se we tried again. It was fractured.
Fractured by my long journeys.
That winter was horrendous....the worst winter even in Florida in 28 years. Living in Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo. I'm a Florida girl. I lived in New England for 13 years and hated every winter. I still hate winter. I left for six weeks. No John. No face to face building of the relationship. Just emails and the occasional phone call. I did the calling. No change there.
I returned for a few weeks in the spring. Then left again for the Soul Connection weekend at Omega in upstate new York, where I started my spiritual reawakening. That's where I learned about Hay House, radio for your soul. That's where I started reading metaphysics by the ton...just couldn't get enough of it. I fell in love with Jerry & Esther Hicks, John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Louise Hay, Carolyn Myss. I wanted to get back to Cassadaga in Florida for a reading...I'm talking mediums here.
I went to to New England to a bridge tournament and to visit my buddies up there. I was gone over a month.
Fractured by his sojourn into alternative lifestyles.
While seeing other people was within our understanding, I never did and he never said. At one point, he said he was investigating something and when he had formed an opinion, he would tell me. Very cryptic.
One July night after we finished playing bridge, I insisted that he tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't ready and then went into his house and hurriedly thrust a book in my car, Open Communication.
I'm thinking....wow...maybe we can finally open up to each other. Great news. I went home and opened it. It was all about loving multiple people simultaneously aka polyamory. I wrote him an email, "Shattered."
I went ballistic. I hated him in that moment. It was over. I blabbed it to anyone and everyone, including my family. I had to convince myself this was a relationship that would destroy me.
He called constantly. He drove over the weekend to visit his family in Illinois. We spoke on the phone for hours. He pleaded with me to stay in the relationship; he professed his great love for me over and over. He was never shy about using the L word.
It was the first "honest" conversation we had ever had. I was in a quandary. Hang in there or shut the door forever. How could I ever justify staying after I'd infused my friends and family with my fury? How could I maintain my dignity? Was he even worth eating my pride over? What the hell is wrong with my boundaries?
And, on one of the nights when I went to bed heavy with sadness...tears rolling down my cheeks, I heard a very distinct voice. "Just love him."
Clear as day. I learned later it was Edith.
Fractured by my long journeys.
That winter was horrendous....the worst winter even in Florida in 28 years. Living in Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo. I'm a Florida girl. I lived in New England for 13 years and hated every winter. I still hate winter. I left for six weeks. No John. No face to face building of the relationship. Just emails and the occasional phone call. I did the calling. No change there.
I returned for a few weeks in the spring. Then left again for the Soul Connection weekend at Omega in upstate new York, where I started my spiritual reawakening. That's where I learned about Hay House, radio for your soul. That's where I started reading metaphysics by the ton...just couldn't get enough of it. I fell in love with Jerry & Esther Hicks, John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Louise Hay, Carolyn Myss. I wanted to get back to Cassadaga in Florida for a reading...I'm talking mediums here.
I went to to New England to a bridge tournament and to visit my buddies up there. I was gone over a month.
Fractured by his sojourn into alternative lifestyles.
While seeing other people was within our understanding, I never did and he never said. At one point, he said he was investigating something and when he had formed an opinion, he would tell me. Very cryptic.
One July night after we finished playing bridge, I insisted that he tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't ready and then went into his house and hurriedly thrust a book in my car, Open Communication.
I'm thinking....wow...maybe we can finally open up to each other. Great news. I went home and opened it. It was all about loving multiple people simultaneously aka polyamory. I wrote him an email, "Shattered."
I went ballistic. I hated him in that moment. It was over. I blabbed it to anyone and everyone, including my family. I had to convince myself this was a relationship that would destroy me.
He called constantly. He drove over the weekend to visit his family in Illinois. We spoke on the phone for hours. He pleaded with me to stay in the relationship; he professed his great love for me over and over. He was never shy about using the L word.
It was the first "honest" conversation we had ever had. I was in a quandary. Hang in there or shut the door forever. How could I ever justify staying after I'd infused my friends and family with my fury? How could I maintain my dignity? Was he even worth eating my pride over? What the hell is wrong with my boundaries?
And, on one of the nights when I went to bed heavy with sadness...tears rolling down my cheeks, I heard a very distinct voice. "Just love him."
Clear as day. I learned later it was Edith.
D+ on the Date-ability Scale
As I told you, I met him at our social bridge group. There was an instant spark, which was followed shortly by a date to the local dinner theatre. He wanted to know my history...so I gave him my tragic life in a nutshell speech aka my husband died of AIDS...the usual vetting to see if there would be a Date #2. His questions were frank and empathetic. I did a whole lot more talking than he did. I didn't accept his offer to hang out further than evening.
But, there was a Date #2 and more. He was a mess. He had been completely blindsided by his ex leaving the family after carrying on a clandestine affair for five years. He saw himself as a victim. There were huge abandonment issues that were visible to all but him.
He was attending what he called "agony groups." The recently divorced who came to register the complaints that were never resolved during or after the marriage. Naturally, they were one-sided as the 'antagonist' was never there to present the other side. These groups determined that there should be strict 'boundaries' in any new relationships...OMG, take a risk to love again??/!!! OH, NO....
So, we structured an agreement that limited our dating and provided us both the option to date others. I demurred but agreed and never acted on the option.
Five years of flawed communication...five years of two steps forward, five steps back. Plans were rare, random, spontaneous. He was no Mr. Wonderful and I was no Ms. Perfect. On a 'date-ability' scale, together we would score maybe a D+.
Basically, we made plans to play bridge and see an occasional movie...are you reading between the lines here? Yes, to that, too.
Conversation? I am the most "out there to a fault" person I know. I practically pleaded with him to Be Here Now channeling Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert here. He operated out of fear...he couldn't be open with me because he feared my reaction...which he characterized as 'ballistic.'
As he became braver and tried to inject some honesty on the subject of seeing others, I went...yes, 'ballistic.' The relationship floundered.
I quit two and a half years ago. Just couldn't take the arguing over bridge crap, the 'structured agreement,' my futile stabs at breaking through the barriers of pain to get to the man. I kept asking myself, Is he just too wounded?
At that time, I was still leading a school...a butt kicker in anyone's book. Required so much of my energy; the relationship with John was exhausting. My kids were always my first priority but even they suffered. Shoot...I couldn't even get home in time to walk the dog.
He was Mr. Fear Is My Friend and I was Ms. Walking Time Bomb. A pretty lethal combination. So, after seeing Prairie Home Companion at Wolf Trap, we went back to his house. I dropped him off and drove home. I didn't respond to any emails. No last conversation for closure. Just closed up shop. Done. Finis. We saw each other a few times a month at our social bridge group. He was furious. I had abandoned him.
For eight months, I spent much of my time in reflection...regularly meeting with my other Susan for acupuncture sessions and trying to confront my demons. Why am I stuck? Why can't I ever cry? Where am I in my grieving over Kevin? It's been over 10 years. Do I really expect to ever recapture that kind of loving relationship? At our age, who the hell doesn't carry a ton of garbage? Look at all the garbage I'm carrying...how is that impacting me and the people I love? Do I even want a serious relationship? Maybe, I'm the one who's just too wounded. God knows, I've been through hell and back...nine years of being a caregiver for someone wasting away from AIDS. Maybe, I'm the one who just couldn't face ever being on the receiving end of that again. Maybe, I'm the one who just can't ever give her heart away again.
And, then, I start thinking about what kept us together. The laughter. He laughs easily and thinks I can be hilarious...I like an appreciative audience. He loved to surprise me. He took me to Busboys and Poets and to see 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" taped at George Washington University.
The absolute best was when he took me to the Duke Ellington School for the Arts for a benefit concert. He wouldn't tell me who we were going to see. I never knew until I looked at the program. OMG!!!
FOREVER YOUNG!
Did you see that documentary on them? If you haven't, see it today!! I mean it! Seniors mainly in their 70s and 80s singing rock music. Their lead song, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan* This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG....so much so that I want it played at my funeral.
I was overjoyed! Completely exhilarated. And that is what I remembered...the laughter and the joy...I sublimated the negatives.
And when our bridge holiday party was cancelled due to a snow storm, I spontaneously emailed him...
"Why didn't you volunteer to pick everyone up in your truck so we could party?"
My phone rang a minute later.
*FOREVER YOUNG BY BOB DYLAN
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young.
But, there was a Date #2 and more. He was a mess. He had been completely blindsided by his ex leaving the family after carrying on a clandestine affair for five years. He saw himself as a victim. There were huge abandonment issues that were visible to all but him.
He was attending what he called "agony groups." The recently divorced who came to register the complaints that were never resolved during or after the marriage. Naturally, they were one-sided as the 'antagonist' was never there to present the other side. These groups determined that there should be strict 'boundaries' in any new relationships...OMG, take a risk to love again??/!!! OH, NO....
So, we structured an agreement that limited our dating and provided us both the option to date others. I demurred but agreed and never acted on the option.
Five years of flawed communication...five years of two steps forward, five steps back. Plans were rare, random, spontaneous. He was no Mr. Wonderful and I was no Ms. Perfect. On a 'date-ability' scale, together we would score maybe a D+.
Basically, we made plans to play bridge and see an occasional movie...are you reading between the lines here? Yes, to that, too.
Conversation? I am the most "out there to a fault" person I know. I practically pleaded with him to Be Here Now channeling Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert here. He operated out of fear...he couldn't be open with me because he feared my reaction...which he characterized as 'ballistic.'
As he became braver and tried to inject some honesty on the subject of seeing others, I went...yes, 'ballistic.' The relationship floundered.
I quit two and a half years ago. Just couldn't take the arguing over bridge crap, the 'structured agreement,' my futile stabs at breaking through the barriers of pain to get to the man. I kept asking myself, Is he just too wounded?
At that time, I was still leading a school...a butt kicker in anyone's book. Required so much of my energy; the relationship with John was exhausting. My kids were always my first priority but even they suffered. Shoot...I couldn't even get home in time to walk the dog.
He was Mr. Fear Is My Friend and I was Ms. Walking Time Bomb. A pretty lethal combination. So, after seeing Prairie Home Companion at Wolf Trap, we went back to his house. I dropped him off and drove home. I didn't respond to any emails. No last conversation for closure. Just closed up shop. Done. Finis. We saw each other a few times a month at our social bridge group. He was furious. I had abandoned him.
For eight months, I spent much of my time in reflection...regularly meeting with my other Susan for acupuncture sessions and trying to confront my demons. Why am I stuck? Why can't I ever cry? Where am I in my grieving over Kevin? It's been over 10 years. Do I really expect to ever recapture that kind of loving relationship? At our age, who the hell doesn't carry a ton of garbage? Look at all the garbage I'm carrying...how is that impacting me and the people I love? Do I even want a serious relationship? Maybe, I'm the one who's just too wounded. God knows, I've been through hell and back...nine years of being a caregiver for someone wasting away from AIDS. Maybe, I'm the one who just couldn't face ever being on the receiving end of that again. Maybe, I'm the one who just can't ever give her heart away again.
And, then, I start thinking about what kept us together. The laughter. He laughs easily and thinks I can be hilarious...I like an appreciative audience. He loved to surprise me. He took me to Busboys and Poets and to see 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" taped at George Washington University.
The absolute best was when he took me to the Duke Ellington School for the Arts for a benefit concert. He wouldn't tell me who we were going to see. I never knew until I looked at the program. OMG!!!
FOREVER YOUNG!
Did you see that documentary on them? If you haven't, see it today!! I mean it! Seniors mainly in their 70s and 80s singing rock music. Their lead song, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan* This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG....so much so that I want it played at my funeral.
I was overjoyed! Completely exhilarated. And that is what I remembered...the laughter and the joy...I sublimated the negatives.
And when our bridge holiday party was cancelled due to a snow storm, I spontaneously emailed him...
"Why didn't you volunteer to pick everyone up in your truck so we could party?"
My phone rang a minute later.
*FOREVER YOUNG BY BOB DYLAN
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Too Many Friggin' Mr. Rights
Help??!! As if eHarmony, SeniorMeetPeople and Match weren't enough, I decided to checkout Chemistry.com. They correlate personality types...explorer, negotiator, builder, director to brain chemicals...dopamine, estrogen, serotonin, testosterone. I'm an Explorer/Negotiator. I'm spontaneous and compassionate with high levels of serotonin aka the happiness hormone.
They're owned by Match which already has my money so I refuse to pay. My inbox is flooded with Explorer/Negotiator types...they're begging me to upload my photo. I'll let them use their keen imaginations, another trait of explorers.
Did you know the fastest growing demographic of people using online dating is the over 50 crowd? One 76 year old woman started the online thing 20 years ago after two divorces and her last kid had left home. She's had her share of successes and comedy of errors. She's got a Ph.D., which she doesn't share since if tends to scare off men. I hate that!!!
She recently met a man on Match who showed up wearing a woman's sun hat and carrying three purses. He wanted her to come with him to Sweden to meet the queen. Her advice? Forget the emails. meet them right away. Do the vetting ASAP up close and personal. She says, "The profiles you read, they're like bathtubs. There's no variation." They all have an incredible sense of humor, work out every day, are looking for the love of their lives and are doubles for Brad Pitt.
Of course, there are lots of awkward even excruciating first dates. One woman compared them to airplane crashes...the worst moments are taking off and landing. Taking off? I can tell you in five minutes if I want to spend any time with the guy...generally, for me, he's boring. Then, there's the ending...remember the Big Kahuna, who exhibited way too much PDA on the street at the end of our first date. Really, I wasn't ready for that sloppy kiss.
Last week, The New Yorker published a piece by Nick Paumgarten entitled "Looking for Someone: Sex, Love and Loneliness on the Internet." Did you know finding your match was inspired by the World's Fair in 1964? Evidently, some giant computer selected your ideal pen pal and this got a 25 year old accountant to adapt this approach to matches closer to home.
The first computer dating service served only New York's Upper East Side then expanded to singles parties all over the city. Cosmo sent a reporter to find a match and she ended up with a gym teacher who told her his favorite sport was indoor wrestling with girls! He stood her up saying he had a backache...uh, yeah.
It's all about the mathematics..algorithms, actually, that perform computational feats way beyond the capacity of the human brain and add a layer of interpretation to find your best matches. The pool of possibilities is huge! There's literally a herd for everyone and the norm is to choose someone then 'trade up' when someone better comes along. Fits right in with the Love in 90 Days dating and rating program of 3, dropping the lowest on the scale and adding another until you find Mr. Right!
Match.com went live in 1995. It is the biggest dating site in the entire world and has acquired 30 other dating sites. It ranks third for meeting someone behind work and friends or family. Well...my school principal colleagues were way too conservative and my friends had 15 years to bring Mr. Wonderful to me. They tried, just wasn't right...too much testosterone or dopamine, as I remember. Definitely not enough serotonin.
There are some rather peculiar if not downright hilarious sites. ScientificMatch supposedly matches people according to their DNA and claims this leads to a higher rate of female orgasms. WHAT?? Then, there's the Ashley Madison site that connects cheating spouses. There's the Born Again site of AdultFriendFinder (don't ask). There's a site that claims the best matches are based on how much the couple looks alike. No math required there.
But, I'm teasing you here. I told you I was in love. He was introduced to our duplicate singles bridge group five years ago by a woman who met him on a DATING SITE!!!
There was chemistry.
They're owned by Match which already has my money so I refuse to pay. My inbox is flooded with Explorer/Negotiator types...they're begging me to upload my photo. I'll let them use their keen imaginations, another trait of explorers.
Did you know the fastest growing demographic of people using online dating is the over 50 crowd? One 76 year old woman started the online thing 20 years ago after two divorces and her last kid had left home. She's had her share of successes and comedy of errors. She's got a Ph.D., which she doesn't share since if tends to scare off men. I hate that!!!
She recently met a man on Match who showed up wearing a woman's sun hat and carrying three purses. He wanted her to come with him to Sweden to meet the queen. Her advice? Forget the emails. meet them right away. Do the vetting ASAP up close and personal. She says, "The profiles you read, they're like bathtubs. There's no variation." They all have an incredible sense of humor, work out every day, are looking for the love of their lives and are doubles for Brad Pitt.
Of course, there are lots of awkward even excruciating first dates. One woman compared them to airplane crashes...the worst moments are taking off and landing. Taking off? I can tell you in five minutes if I want to spend any time with the guy...generally, for me, he's boring. Then, there's the ending...remember the Big Kahuna, who exhibited way too much PDA on the street at the end of our first date. Really, I wasn't ready for that sloppy kiss.
Last week, The New Yorker published a piece by Nick Paumgarten entitled "Looking for Someone: Sex, Love and Loneliness on the Internet." Did you know finding your match was inspired by the World's Fair in 1964? Evidently, some giant computer selected your ideal pen pal and this got a 25 year old accountant to adapt this approach to matches closer to home.
The first computer dating service served only New York's Upper East Side then expanded to singles parties all over the city. Cosmo sent a reporter to find a match and she ended up with a gym teacher who told her his favorite sport was indoor wrestling with girls! He stood her up saying he had a backache...uh, yeah.
It's all about the mathematics..algorithms, actually, that perform computational feats way beyond the capacity of the human brain and add a layer of interpretation to find your best matches. The pool of possibilities is huge! There's literally a herd for everyone and the norm is to choose someone then 'trade up' when someone better comes along. Fits right in with the Love in 90 Days dating and rating program of 3, dropping the lowest on the scale and adding another until you find Mr. Right!
Match.com went live in 1995. It is the biggest dating site in the entire world and has acquired 30 other dating sites. It ranks third for meeting someone behind work and friends or family. Well...my school principal colleagues were way too conservative and my friends had 15 years to bring Mr. Wonderful to me. They tried, just wasn't right...too much testosterone or dopamine, as I remember. Definitely not enough serotonin.
There are some rather peculiar if not downright hilarious sites. ScientificMatch supposedly matches people according to their DNA and claims this leads to a higher rate of female orgasms. WHAT?? Then, there's the Ashley Madison site that connects cheating spouses. There's the Born Again site of AdultFriendFinder (don't ask). There's a site that claims the best matches are based on how much the couple looks alike. No math required there.
But, I'm teasing you here. I told you I was in love. He was introduced to our duplicate singles bridge group five years ago by a woman who met him on a DATING SITE!!!
There was chemistry.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
More Weiner Roasting
This just in from one of my clever high school pals...who insists he does not want to be identified!
He's a muckety muck down South who has a sterling reputation to uphold. He has no problem having me identified with it, since there's no danger in me ruining my name...no need to comment further here.
There once was a pervert
named Weiner
Who had a perverted
demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one
Weiner leaner.
Get it?? One Weiner leaner? That's rich. Think about this when you're roasting weiners at your BBQs this weekend.
Attn: High School Buddies
I'm taking a poll....who wrote it???
He's a muckety muck down South who has a sterling reputation to uphold. He has no problem having me identified with it, since there's no danger in me ruining my name...no need to comment further here.
There once was a pervert
named Weiner
Who had a perverted
demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one
Weiner leaner.
Get it?? One Weiner leaner? That's rich. Think about this when you're roasting weiners at your BBQs this weekend.
Attn: High School Buddies
I'm taking a poll....who wrote it???
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Who is Sammy?
Sammy's still in town. He invites me to his cabin for lunch and a hike followed by dinner at the Strasburg Inn. I don't tell my kids....MOM, he could be the killer on Match.com!!! I can hear them now. But, I checked out his credentials...he seems to be on the up and up.
I agree to go, then spend the entire therapy session with Susan on Sammy.
"I don't know, Susan. We have that escaping small town life in common but I never feel he gets into his personal stuff. Oh, yeah, I know he had two wives, how long his marriages lasted, he has two daughters and a grandson. He tells me he bought season tickets for the ballet, while his wife had tix for the Miami Dolphins. There's just been no real warmth. One rather awkward hug. On the one hand, I'm happy because I don't want to move fast, but, on the other hand, I'm puzzled."
"Well, if you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat. His AIDS conversation shows he has mensch qualities. (Translation: Stand Up Guy) He's capable of giving you a ton of information. He's asking you questions, throw the ball back in his court. He needs to be questioned. Come right out with it. He's okay company, what do you have to lose?"
"I'm worried about seeing him again. Way too many hours together, I think. Lunch, hike, dinner."
"He's hosting so you may see him in a different light. Hiking provides a chance for chatting. Ask him why his relationships ended. What was the difference between the first marriage and the second? What did he learn from them? How did it impact who is now? When you asked him about your small town-ness, did you ask him the same?"
"Yes. He talked about it with humor...his progression from juvenile delinquent to psychology professor. But, he never gets into the relationship stuff. How do I ask?"
Susan (playing me): "So when is a good time to start asking you personal questions?"
Me (playing Sammy): "What do you mean? What kind of personal questions?"
Susan (me): "Well, since you're providing me with a meal, maybe a hike would be a better time to talk to you about the relationships you've had."
Me (Sammy): "Ooohhhhhh."
Susan (me): "I really don't want to venture into anything that is too uncomfortable." (Now, he's on the spot.)
Me (Sammy): "No, I can deal with it. What do you want to know."
Susan (me): "How did they end? How were they different from each other? What did you learn? What in those relationships helped form you and where are you today?"
"I wouldn't go any deeper. If he sidesteps, you need to explore that. You could ask him what drew him to these women? Generally, men find it's comfortable to talk about that. They can easily talk about the beginning stages of their relationships. It opens the door to hearing about where it went from there. What was the turning point? What kind of energy is connected with the loss?"
"Susan, I'm not really feeling one way or the other...just neutral. I'm fading out. I'm feeling his days are numbered. I'm just floating on the tide right now."
"There must be depth there and maybe this is the way he needs to present himself in the early dating stage. You've let him know you have a lot of fire and he's obviously attracted to that."
"But, where's the fire in him?"
"I wouldn't even mince any words with him. He needs to be taking your elbow on the fourth date or brushing against you when he's helping you in and out of your seat. If he doesn't know how to do that at his age, pointing it out doesn't hurt. It would be useful information for him. I might be trying to talk you out of this date if something hot was developing, but he's in a tepid zone. It's time to step up his game or not. It's time for you to ask the questions. I think he'll rise to the occasion, because he's in the psychology field. He's attracted to you and, yet, he hasn't been able to touch you in a way that lets you know he's interested. He needs to be able to say, i think I'm a little backward when it comes to pursuing women."
"And, i say, no surprise...duh. 'So, are you trying to tell me you would like to be a little more forward?' I haven't even told him I'm seeing other men because he's made no moves on me."
"You say to him, 'You're seemingly a little reticent to take my hand or touch me in any way. What is going on there? Do you think that would bother me?'"
So, I went to the cabin in the woods. Not for lunch, mid-afternoon. No hike, forest was too wet from the morning shower. Not even going to describe the cabin...suffice it to say, it was not charming. Lovely dinner at the inn.
I didn't ask him one question. Ended with another awkward hug.
I can't blame him. The operative statement from Susan was, "If you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat."
I don't really. I am in love.
I agree to go, then spend the entire therapy session with Susan on Sammy.
"I don't know, Susan. We have that escaping small town life in common but I never feel he gets into his personal stuff. Oh, yeah, I know he had two wives, how long his marriages lasted, he has two daughters and a grandson. He tells me he bought season tickets for the ballet, while his wife had tix for the Miami Dolphins. There's just been no real warmth. One rather awkward hug. On the one hand, I'm happy because I don't want to move fast, but, on the other hand, I'm puzzled."
"Well, if you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat. His AIDS conversation shows he has mensch qualities. (Translation: Stand Up Guy) He's capable of giving you a ton of information. He's asking you questions, throw the ball back in his court. He needs to be questioned. Come right out with it. He's okay company, what do you have to lose?"
"I'm worried about seeing him again. Way too many hours together, I think. Lunch, hike, dinner."
"He's hosting so you may see him in a different light. Hiking provides a chance for chatting. Ask him why his relationships ended. What was the difference between the first marriage and the second? What did he learn from them? How did it impact who is now? When you asked him about your small town-ness, did you ask him the same?"
"Yes. He talked about it with humor...his progression from juvenile delinquent to psychology professor. But, he never gets into the relationship stuff. How do I ask?"
Susan (playing me): "So when is a good time to start asking you personal questions?"
Me (playing Sammy): "What do you mean? What kind of personal questions?"
Susan (me): "Well, since you're providing me with a meal, maybe a hike would be a better time to talk to you about the relationships you've had."
Me (Sammy): "Ooohhhhhh."
Susan (me): "I really don't want to venture into anything that is too uncomfortable." (Now, he's on the spot.)
Me (Sammy): "No, I can deal with it. What do you want to know."
Susan (me): "How did they end? How were they different from each other? What did you learn? What in those relationships helped form you and where are you today?"
"I wouldn't go any deeper. If he sidesteps, you need to explore that. You could ask him what drew him to these women? Generally, men find it's comfortable to talk about that. They can easily talk about the beginning stages of their relationships. It opens the door to hearing about where it went from there. What was the turning point? What kind of energy is connected with the loss?"
"Susan, I'm not really feeling one way or the other...just neutral. I'm fading out. I'm feeling his days are numbered. I'm just floating on the tide right now."
"There must be depth there and maybe this is the way he needs to present himself in the early dating stage. You've let him know you have a lot of fire and he's obviously attracted to that."
"But, where's the fire in him?"
"I wouldn't even mince any words with him. He needs to be taking your elbow on the fourth date or brushing against you when he's helping you in and out of your seat. If he doesn't know how to do that at his age, pointing it out doesn't hurt. It would be useful information for him. I might be trying to talk you out of this date if something hot was developing, but he's in a tepid zone. It's time to step up his game or not. It's time for you to ask the questions. I think he'll rise to the occasion, because he's in the psychology field. He's attracted to you and, yet, he hasn't been able to touch you in a way that lets you know he's interested. He needs to be able to say, i think I'm a little backward when it comes to pursuing women."
"And, i say, no surprise...duh. 'So, are you trying to tell me you would like to be a little more forward?' I haven't even told him I'm seeing other men because he's made no moves on me."
"You say to him, 'You're seemingly a little reticent to take my hand or touch me in any way. What is going on there? Do you think that would bother me?'"
So, I went to the cabin in the woods. Not for lunch, mid-afternoon. No hike, forest was too wet from the morning shower. Not even going to describe the cabin...suffice it to say, it was not charming. Lovely dinner at the inn.
I didn't ask him one question. Ended with another awkward hug.
I can't blame him. The operative statement from Susan was, "If you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat."
I don't really. I am in love.
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