We decided to try “living together.” Not exactly. I couldn’t stand his house with the overwhelming clutter, disgusting rough linens and bugs everywhere. He decided he couldn’t live in my house since it was a 25 minute longer commute to his job and his start time was 4 in the morning. We compromised....mainly, I compromised. He spent a couple of nights a week at my place. I stayed at his house most of the time.
For the first few weeks, it was all sweetness and light. We merged calendars and groceries, finding delight in being with each other, having dodged the bullet of permanently ending it. We planned trips to Maui and Lily Dale. He helped me host parties; I cooked healthy meals. We went dancing and played bridge.
In the evening, he turned on the TV and watched his USA shows. I hadn’t watched TV in ages, preferring to read whatever was on my kindle...metaphysics, mysteries, autobiographies. I stopped reading. I watched him devour endless vats of popcorn covered with salt followed by countless Trader Joe’s fruit floes. This went on for hours after a pretty decent dinner! He’s a binge eater...ya think??
Bedtime had to be at a decent hour...duh...work starts at 4 a.m. I let him dictate the schedule since I had more flexibility. Tried to sleep...most nights, I couldn’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe, my subconscious just knew it wasn’t right. Maybe, I couldn't adjust to his schedule.
When we first decided to try this arrangement, he suggested a two month trial. He cleared his calendar, as he put it. Why two months? Exactly, what had he cleared? Two months away was his son’s wedding. He had asked someone else....a woman in Kentucky that he’d been traveling with for three years. Did I have a clue about that? No! He just conveniently never mentioned that he had a female travel companion.
I asked him to take me to the wedding since we were allegedly committed now. He was also supposed to travel with her to Russia in October. He dodged the question. He’d decide later about whether or not he would cancel his plans.
RED FLAG!!!
But, I hung in there...believing the dynamics of love would overcome his need for multiple female partners. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted the relationship to continue.
But, as anyone could see....with the exception of me....this was the making of a doomed-from-the-start relationship. I fell hook, line, and sinker for the “abandonment” ploy. Remember, his wife had abandoned him when she fell in love with her boss and had a five year affair before bailing on him and the kids. He, supposedly, had been faithful to her for 25 years.
But, I have two questions here:
1) What the hell took her so long? He would truly be a nightmare to live with due to his inability to organize his life including his finances, his my way or the highway mentality, his screwed up ethics, his hypersensitivity and primitive communication skills, his lack of focus and intellectuality due to his overconsumption of hallucinogens back in the day, which has totally impacted his life today.
2) Really, who could buy that he was completely faithful? Give me a break!
But, I bought it. Oh, no, I won’t abandon you even when you are unfaithful and disrespectful and dishonest. I bought that I was his love....even when I knew he was pursuing other women.
Oh, and, of course, he didn’t break the wedding date or trip to Russia with the Kentucky woman. But, you knew that. I stayed.
We tried counseling with Susan, my favorite psychotherapist. He loved her. But, he hated having to sit down and work on revealing himself. The first session he was still in love with being together. She gave us an 85% chance of making it. Two weeks later, he was talking polyamory again and blaming me for any communication issues. She was nonjudgmental, as was I.
I’m open, I said to myself. After all, we made a vow to each other. We had written living wills and given them to our children. We were looking at buying a retirement house. Our future was together.
I was convinced we could weather it all.
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