Where's the Joy?

Is there anything more important in life than joy?  Isn’t that our mission?  It is completely up to you to create joy in your life.

I opted to be totally there in this relationship....no chance for regrets, no stone unturned.   I worked with him trying to create some semblance of order in his house, his yard....I spent days clearing weeds, planting, mulching.  I cleaned and reorganized his kitchen....hoping against hope to get rid of the bugs.  My arms and legs were covered with welts from bug bites.  He’d spray me with OFF but it didn’t really help.

I was the one who accompanied him to minor surgeries, holding his hand and nursing him afterwards.  It was my choice.  I wanted to be there.

But, he wanted more women in his life.  I found his profile on OKCupid....it’s free and he’s cheap.  His profile was amusing....his picture was taken years ago and barely resembles him, he lists his age as 10 years younger...typical of the online dating scene.  Ya get what you pay for.

As typical of me, I was reading one metaphysical book after another.  At this point, I was reading Sandra Anne Taylor’s, The Truth about Attraction.  What’s the truth about the Law of Attraction?  You attract what vibrations you put out there is the general meaning of the law.  I was reading it through the prism of my current, unsatisfying relationship, constantly asking myself what kind of vibrations am I emitting that I attract someone so out of sync with me.

I wrote out affirmations and put them up around my house....

I am powerful.
I am eternal and free--free from worry, limitation and fear.
I am Divine.
I am spirit.
I am love.
I am peace.  
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.

He assured me he was committed to me, to our relationship, our future together.  He was ADHD, he needed constant stimulation.  He needed to learn about himself, to attain higher consciousness through relationships.  He needed a support network.  He had no friends.  Only women could do this for him.  Men were not evolved enough, he said.

Crap, crap and more crap.  I had always thought his wounded ego could recover.  I thought he would opt for a healthy, mature relationship over the need to be constantly fawned over.  I told him he needed to catch up to me, my patience was wearing thin.

In late September I flew to Florida for my aunt’s funeral.  When I returned, we met to take our favorite three mile walk.  Almost immediately, he took exception to some innocuous remark I had made (so innocuous, I have no friggin’ clue what it was) and broke the peace between us.

I am powerful.
I am free.
I am spirit.

I was stunned by the contrast....the contrast between the unconditional love I’d experienced with my family in Florida and the love with limits I had with him.  I knew what was going on.  He was experiencing new “love” relationships.

I had stopped laughing.  I had stopped writing.  I had stopped going out with my friends.

I have the power to create joy every day of my life.

Good God, woman, get a grip!!!