Life Lessons

Finally, it was over.  My heart was lifted; I was free of anxiety, pain, confusion, longing.  I was euphoric.  I was myself again.

I went through a period of self-examination.  Why had I let myself get so involved with someone who clearly was not right for me?  My kids saw it, my friends saw it.

I got too involved too quickly.  He was professing his love for me on the second date....not a good sign.  But, I had suppressed any kind of normal social life for years, because raising teenagers solo and running a school took all my energy and patience.  I was way overdue for a life.

Discrimination was definitely not my long suit.  Who doesn’t have baggage at 60?  I look at my own baggage....once divorced, now a widow, nursed my husband through AIDS, school principal...lots of men would head for the hills.  I guess I was willing to work with anyone who would work with me.

He was fun.  I needed that.  Of course, he had plenty of baggage...mainly, that his wife left him and their four children after a five year affair with her boss that completely blindsided him.  I believed his wounded ego could recover.

I admit I was ridiculously naive.  I just thought that because he had been so devastated by his wife’s unfaithfulness, he wouldn’t do that to me.  A year ago, i learned how wrong I had been.  I ended it.  He wanted me in his life in any capacity.  I was primary to him.  I stayed.

He wavered on whether this polyamory path was right for him.  My God, he’s 66 years old!  How long does he think he can do this?  I just thought he would come around to seeing that the strength and depth of my love was worth giving up that life.  I thought he would grow out of it....sounds really stupid that I would think someone at 66 would become more mature.

I looked back at my relationships.  I had many casual relationships and few serious ones.  My late husband was a stable, sensitive, ethical, intelligent, creative, personable man who valued me.  We were best friends long before we became lovers then mates.

In the case of my first husband, who had many of the same characteristics, we are still friends to this day.  Our daughter was always first in our lives and we never said an unkind word about each other.

I didn’t have a history of hooking the bad boys.  I knew they were bad news a long time ago.  I had a lapse in judgment....long term memory loss?!  No, just naive.  I had a great marriage to my best friend....just way too short.  I wanted that again.  Who wouldn’t?  John was not Kevin.  No one was.

My sister was horrified reading what I put with.  “You’ve never been a pushover for anyone!” she exclaimed the other night.  She’s right.  I’ve always been in charge of me.  Even our mother could never control me.  I never gave away my power.

But, I did this time.  Was I looking for the unconditional love I was missing from childhood?  Well...whether it was or not, this was not the right man to count on for that...lol!

In the end, I decided this was just another of life’s lessons.  I believe whatever happens is supposed to happen.  He was definitely put in my path.  There was a past karma.  His mother came to both of us in messages and readings, making it pretty clear she wanted him to recover from his wounds and trust in my love.  After he ramped up his efforts to thwart that love, her message to me was to get rid of him.

For me, the lesson, I believe, was self-love.  Know that I am just fine as I am.  I am not alone.  There is love all around me.  I am grateful for my family and friends.  I take nothing for granted.

The lesson is also forgiveness.  I am way past the anger and resentment toward him.  Few people have I laughed with as I laughed with him.  Memories tinged with love bring me to a higher place than focusing on the pain.

I forgive myself.  I will take the lessons of forgiveness and self-love and go forward.  In the end, I am responsible for my happiness.  I do not find it outside of myself.  It is inward.

So, here I am again....60 Year Old Female Looking For Mr. Right.  Ironically, I’m not looking, but I will say this.

Every night when I close my eyes and meditate, I project my intention for love in a visualization.  I have healthier expectations now.  I visualize someone who communicates openly, loves me unconditionally, practices gratitude and non-judgment, and plays good bridge!

I think it’s working!