As I told you, I met him at our social bridge group. There was an instant spark, which was followed shortly by a date to the local dinner theatre. He wanted to know my history...so I gave him my tragic life in a nutshell speech aka my husband died of AIDS...the usual vetting to see if there would be a Date #2. His questions were frank and empathetic. I did a whole lot more talking than he did. I didn't accept his offer to hang out further than evening.
But, there was a Date #2 and more. He was a mess. He had been completely blindsided by his ex leaving the family after carrying on a clandestine affair for five years. He saw himself as a victim. There were huge abandonment issues that were visible to all but him.
He was attending what he called "agony groups." The recently divorced who came to register the complaints that were never resolved during or after the marriage. Naturally, they were one-sided as the 'antagonist' was never there to present the other side. These groups determined that there should be strict 'boundaries' in any new relationships...OMG, take a risk to love again??/!!! OH, NO....
So, we structured an agreement that limited our dating and provided us both the option to date others. I demurred but agreed and never acted on the option.
Five years of flawed communication...five years of two steps forward, five steps back. Plans were rare, random, spontaneous. He was no Mr. Wonderful and I was no Ms. Perfect. On a 'date-ability' scale, together we would score maybe a D+.
Basically, we made plans to play bridge and see an occasional movie...are you reading between the lines here? Yes, to that, too.
Conversation? I am the most "out there to a fault" person I know. I practically pleaded with him to Be Here Now channeling Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert here. He operated out of fear...he couldn't be open with me because he feared my reaction...which he characterized as 'ballistic.'
As he became braver and tried to inject some honesty on the subject of seeing others, I went...yes, 'ballistic.' The relationship floundered.
I quit two and a half years ago. Just couldn't take the arguing over bridge crap, the 'structured agreement,' my futile stabs at breaking through the barriers of pain to get to the man. I kept asking myself, Is he just too wounded?
At that time, I was still leading a school...a butt kicker in anyone's book. Required so much of my energy; the relationship with John was exhausting. My kids were always my first priority but even they suffered. Shoot...I couldn't even get home in time to walk the dog.
He was Mr. Fear Is My Friend and I was Ms. Walking Time Bomb. A pretty lethal combination. So, after seeing Prairie Home Companion at Wolf Trap, we went back to his house. I dropped him off and drove home. I didn't respond to any emails. No last conversation for closure. Just closed up shop. Done. Finis. We saw each other a few times a month at our social bridge group. He was furious. I had abandoned him.
For eight months, I spent much of my time in reflection...regularly meeting with my other Susan for acupuncture sessions and trying to confront my demons. Why am I stuck? Why can't I ever cry? Where am I in my grieving over Kevin? It's been over 10 years. Do I really expect to ever recapture that kind of loving relationship? At our age, who the hell doesn't carry a ton of garbage? Look at all the garbage I'm carrying...how is that impacting me and the people I love? Do I even want a serious relationship? Maybe, I'm the one who's just too wounded. God knows, I've been through hell and back...nine years of being a caregiver for someone wasting away from AIDS. Maybe, I'm the one who just couldn't face ever being on the receiving end of that again. Maybe, I'm the one who just can't ever give her heart away again.
And, then, I start thinking about what kept us together. The laughter. He laughs easily and thinks I can be hilarious...I like an appreciative audience. He loved to surprise me. He took me to Busboys and Poets and to see 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" taped at George Washington University.
The absolute best was when he took me to the Duke Ellington School for the Arts for a benefit concert. He wouldn't tell me who we were going to see. I never knew until I looked at the program. OMG!!!
FOREVER YOUNG!
Did you see that documentary on them? If you haven't, see it today!! I mean it! Seniors mainly in their 70s and 80s singing rock music. Their lead song, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan* This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG....so much so that I want it played at my funeral.
I was overjoyed! Completely exhilarated. And that is what I remembered...the laughter and the joy...I sublimated the negatives.
And when our bridge holiday party was cancelled due to a snow storm, I spontaneously emailed him...
"Why didn't you volunteer to pick everyone up in your truck so we could party?"
My phone rang a minute later.
*FOREVER YOUNG BY BOB DYLAN
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young.
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