Sammy's still in town. He invites me to his cabin for lunch and a hike followed by dinner at the Strasburg Inn. I don't tell my kids....MOM, he could be the killer on Match.com!!! I can hear them now. But, I checked out his credentials...he seems to be on the up and up.
I agree to go, then spend the entire therapy session with Susan on Sammy.
"I don't know, Susan. We have that escaping small town life in common but I never feel he gets into his personal stuff. Oh, yeah, I know he had two wives, how long his marriages lasted, he has two daughters and a grandson. He tells me he bought season tickets for the ballet, while his wife had tix for the Miami Dolphins. There's just been no real warmth. One rather awkward hug. On the one hand, I'm happy because I don't want to move fast, but, on the other hand, I'm puzzled."
"Well, if you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat. His AIDS conversation shows he has mensch qualities. (Translation: Stand Up Guy) He's capable of giving you a ton of information. He's asking you questions, throw the ball back in his court. He needs to be questioned. Come right out with it. He's okay company, what do you have to lose?"
"I'm worried about seeing him again. Way too many hours together, I think. Lunch, hike, dinner."
"He's hosting so you may see him in a different light. Hiking provides a chance for chatting. Ask him why his relationships ended. What was the difference between the first marriage and the second? What did he learn from them? How did it impact who is now? When you asked him about your small town-ness, did you ask him the same?"
"Yes. He talked about it with humor...his progression from juvenile delinquent to psychology professor. But, he never gets into the relationship stuff. How do I ask?"
Susan (playing me): "So when is a good time to start asking you personal questions?"
Me (playing Sammy): "What do you mean? What kind of personal questions?"
Susan (me): "Well, since you're providing me with a meal, maybe a hike would be a better time to talk to you about the relationships you've had."
Me (Sammy): "Ooohhhhhh."
Susan (me): "I really don't want to venture into anything that is too uncomfortable." (Now, he's on the spot.)
Me (Sammy): "No, I can deal with it. What do you want to know."
Susan (me): "How did they end? How were they different from each other? What did you learn? What in those relationships helped form you and where are you today?"
"I wouldn't go any deeper. If he sidesteps, you need to explore that. You could ask him what drew him to these women? Generally, men find it's comfortable to talk about that. They can easily talk about the beginning stages of their relationships. It opens the door to hearing about where it went from there. What was the turning point? What kind of energy is connected with the loss?"
"Susan, I'm not really feeling one way or the other...just neutral. I'm fading out. I'm feeling his days are numbered. I'm just floating on the tide right now."
"There must be depth there and maybe this is the way he needs to present himself in the early dating stage. You've let him know you have a lot of fire and he's obviously attracted to that."
"But, where's the fire in him?"
"I wouldn't even mince any words with him. He needs to be taking your elbow on the fourth date or brushing against you when he's helping you in and out of your seat. If he doesn't know how to do that at his age, pointing it out doesn't hurt. It would be useful information for him. I might be trying to talk you out of this date if something hot was developing, but he's in a tepid zone. It's time to step up his game or not. It's time for you to ask the questions. I think he'll rise to the occasion, because he's in the psychology field. He's attracted to you and, yet, he hasn't been able to touch you in a way that lets you know he's interested. He needs to be able to say, i think I'm a little backward when it comes to pursuing women."
"And, i say, no surprise...duh. 'So, are you trying to tell me you would like to be a little more forward?' I haven't even told him I'm seeing other men because he's made no moves on me."
"You say to him, 'You're seemingly a little reticent to take my hand or touch me in any way. What is going on there? Do you think that would bother me?'"
So, I went to the cabin in the woods. Not for lunch, mid-afternoon. No hike, forest was too wet from the morning shower. Not even going to describe the cabin...suffice it to say, it was not charming. Lovely dinner at the inn.
I didn't ask him one question. Ended with another awkward hug.
I can't blame him. The operative statement from Susan was, "If you like him enough, you may as well start turning up the heat."
I don't really. I am in love.
No comments:
Post a Comment