Fractured

I picked up the phone and was swept away by his relief, his hope, his willingness to be a more loving bridge partner.  And, se we tried again.  It was fractured.

Fractured by my long journeys.


That winter was horrendous....the worst winter even in Florida in 28 years.  Living in Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo.  I'm a Florida girl.  I lived in New England for 13 years and hated every winter.  I still hate winter.  I left for six weeks.  No John.  No face to face building of the relationship.  Just emails and the occasional phone call.  I did the calling.  No change there.

I returned for a few weeks in the spring.  Then left again for the Soul Connection weekend at Omega in upstate new York, where I started my spiritual reawakening.  That's where I learned about Hay House, radio for your soul.  That's where I started reading metaphysics by the ton...just couldn't get enough of it.  I fell in love with Jerry & Esther Hicks, John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Louise Hay, Carolyn Myss.  I wanted to get back to Cassadaga in Florida for a reading...I'm talking mediums here.

I went to to New England to a bridge tournament and to visit my buddies up there.  I was gone over a month.

Fractured by his sojourn into alternative lifestyles.


While seeing other people was within our understanding, I never did and he never said.  At one point, he said he was investigating something and when he had formed an opinion, he would tell me.  Very cryptic.

One July night after we finished playing bridge, I insisted that he tell me what was going on.  He said he wasn't ready and then went into his house and hurriedly thrust a book in my car, Open Communication.
I'm thinking....wow...maybe we can finally open up to each other.  Great news.  I went home and opened it.  It was all about loving multiple people simultaneously aka polyamory.  I wrote him an email, "Shattered."

I went ballistic.  I hated him in that moment.  It was over.  I blabbed it to anyone and everyone, including my family.  I had to convince myself this was a relationship that would destroy me.

He called constantly.  He drove over the weekend to visit his family in Illinois.  We spoke on the phone for hours.  He pleaded with me to stay in the relationship; he professed his great love for me over and over.  He was never shy about using the L word.

It was the first "honest" conversation we had ever had.  I was in a quandary.  Hang in there or shut the door forever.  How could I ever justify staying after I'd infused my friends and family with my fury?  How could I maintain my dignity?  Was he even worth eating my pride over?  What the hell is wrong with my boundaries?

And, on one of the nights when I went to bed heavy with sadness...tears rolling down my cheeks, I heard a very distinct voice.  "Just love him."


Clear as day.  I learned later it was Edith.