Mr. Right?

I know in this blog I’m supposed to be looking for Mr. Right but I don’t think there’s a Mr. Right anymore.  I think it’s more about me and not about him.  That’s not to say I don’t think Mr. Right is out there or that I reject the idea of a Mr. Right.  I just think I need to focus on me.

And the moment.  The Power of Now.  Eckhart Tolle.  I picked up this book about six months ago and couldn’t read it.  I wasn’t ready...not in the right place to be able to live in the moment.  Of course, I had been there in the past, especially, during the nine years that Kevin was slowly dying.  We had to live in the moment.  It was all we had.

Six months ago, I was living in my pain-body.  I’m the eternal optimist, always upbeat, never down long enough for anyone to notice.  Suffering is not my thing.  I love life.  But, back then, I was living with anxiety, which means there’s fear.  I was living in the future.  I wanted that relationship to work.  It wasn’t working and I was afraid to release it.

Finally, I did.  And the strangest thing happened.  Joy returned to me.  I was free to be me....to live for now, not the past or the future.  Just love today.

And an even stranger thing happened.  I started meeting men...spiritual men with depth.  I was in awe.  That nightly visualization was really working! Remember, I asked for someone who communicates openly, practices gratitude and non-judgment, accepts me unconditionally and plays good bridge.

I told Susan, my trusted psychotherapist, I was done with the online thing.  She was a little taken aback by that.  “You never really gave it a chance.”  I think I’m just too jaded now.  Too many lies....about age, pictures, marital status.  Who could believe anything in their descriptions of themselves?  I know, I know....I hear all the time how people met the love of their lives on these sites.  I just don’t think it works for me.

Besides, I seem to be meeting men without the sites FINALLY!  She cautions me not to give up my power (can you decode that??!).  That works perfectly fine for me.  The love of my life was my best friend long before we considered changing our status.  So, I am in no hurry, which seems crazy at my age!

I like the way these relationships are unfolding.  We go for hot chocolate, a walk, a movie, dinner, an occasional drink...but mainly we talk....for hours.  There’s no pressure toward intimacy.  I like that.

We’re becoming closer friends.  And, the interesting thing for me is that I am not attaching a future to it.  I was all about wondering if this could work out...is this Mr. Right?   Now, I’m just enjoying my time with them and my time with me.  I’ve never felt more serene.

You’re probably thinking....well, it’s about damn time!  I agree.

I had a woo woo moment with one of these men a few weeks ago.  We were playing bridge with another couple and a sarcastic remark was made about another player.

Since I am focusing on practicing non-judgment, I inserted, “Remember the three questions Buddha says to ask before breaking the silence?  Is it kind?  Is it true?”  And, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the third question.

“Is it necessary?” says my partner.  OMG!  Yes, that’s it!

Wow...that visualization is amazing.