Vanity Sucks

I never really had curves...just a very skinny boyish body.  Growing up southern, I had my fair share of butter, salt and fried foods.  Of course, we also had oranges and watermelon.  But, it never mattered what I ate.  I could eat a whole family size bag of potato chips and never gain an ounce.  I was so thin, the doctor put me on milkshakes nightly when I was a teenager.  That didn't even work.

My constant weight was 95 pounds.  Except, once when I was in college, I contracted mono and was hospitalized when I weighed in at 82.  I was only allowed to go to class, then back to the infirmary.  They put me on the milkshake routine.  This time is worked.  They let me out when I weighed 90.

I never got over 95 again until I had my first child at age 23.  I gained all of 27 pounds.  After I gave birth, I was quite the spectacle.  The nurses kept lifting up my gown to get a look at my 'flat' stomach.  Of course, I didn't quite see it that way, but after several miles of hiking, my real body returned.

I remember asking my husband a year later if he thought my butt was too small or too big.  I just shake my head when I think of that.  Who the hell was I?  Can you imagine a stupider question to ask your husband?  And, what do you think he said?  He told me I was just right.  But, I persisted.  Of course, there's no win-win response here.  Finally, he very reluctantly said, too big.  I have to laugh out loud here.  Why?  because I thought that was great!  Maybe, I was finally blossoming.  I think my boobs were a little fuller then, too.

Ahhh, but the women's movement moved into full gear and I was swept into independence, assertiveness, and single parenthood albeit with an ideal ex-husband who adored our daughter and with whom I celebrated our anniversary for many years after our separation. We stayed great friends, never uttering a negative word about each other to our daughter.  But, that's another story....

I took my time remarrying but did in my mid 30s.  I really didn't expect to have more children but I had two more 20 months apart.  OMG, what happened to that skinny woman?  I was completely ambushed by two beautiful, needy babies, a lively teenager, a time-consuming job, and a soon-to-be very ill husband.  No time to workout...needless to say, I never saw that 95 pound body again.

I guess I could've found the time and the energy, but I didn't.  Occasionally, I'd start up a routine but just couldn't sustain it.  You'd find me in the gym every January just like most of America but by February, I was back to my old ways.

Sometimes, life overwhelmed me.  No time for reflection.  No meditation.  I thought about the fact that I was going to lose my husband but tried to live in the moment.  I just couldn't afford to slow down.  I have to confess my impulsive, free spirit side had an active fantasy life.  I would dream about packing the barest essentials and moving to the beach.  Or going cross country and starting over in California.

But, I could never do that.  I would simply look at my precious husband and children and know they were my life.  In the present.  Maybe I could be a freer spirit later.  A dream deferred.

Back to the body.  Two years ago when I retired, I made several promises to myself...one of which was to work out and get back in shape.  And, slowly but surely, it's happening.  I have my upper body and core routine, my daily cardio.  I can hike and jog again.  I'm a work in progress.

I don't know about all women but I fight the pear-shape body.  Two years ago, I was 20 pounds heavier and there was no waist to be found.  Not true now, but there's the saggy arms and neck to deal with.  I'm always doing battle with my body.

Perspective.  Not a perfect body but healthy, happy, loved, free from a frenetic schedule.  Living the dream.