Finally, it was over. My heart was lifted; I was free of anxiety, pain, confusion, longing. I was euphoric. I was myself again.
I went through a period of self-examination. Why had I let myself get so involved with someone who clearly was not right for me? My kids saw it, my friends saw it.
I got too involved too quickly. He was professing his love for me on the second date....not a good sign. But, I had suppressed any kind of normal social life for years, because raising teenagers solo and running a school took all my energy and patience. I was way overdue for a life.
Discrimination was definitely not my long suit. Who doesn’t have baggage at 60? I look at my own baggage....once divorced, now a widow, nursed my husband through AIDS, school principal...lots of men would head for the hills. I guess I was willing to work with anyone who would work with me.
He was fun. I needed that. Of course, he had plenty of baggage...mainly, that his wife left him and their four children after a five year affair with her boss that completely blindsided him. I believed his wounded ego could recover.
I admit I was ridiculously naive. I just thought that because he had been so devastated by his wife’s unfaithfulness, he wouldn’t do that to me. A year ago, i learned how wrong I had been. I ended it. He wanted me in his life in any capacity. I was primary to him. I stayed.
He wavered on whether this polyamory path was right for him. My God, he’s 66 years old! How long does he think he can do this? I just thought he would come around to seeing that the strength and depth of my love was worth giving up that life. I thought he would grow out of it....sounds really stupid that I would think someone at 66 would become more mature.
I looked back at my relationships. I had many casual relationships and few serious ones. My late husband was a stable, sensitive, ethical, intelligent, creative, personable man who valued me. We were best friends long before we became lovers then mates.
In the case of my first husband, who had many of the same characteristics, we are still friends to this day. Our daughter was always first in our lives and we never said an unkind word about each other.
I didn’t have a history of hooking the bad boys. I knew they were bad news a long time ago. I had a lapse in judgment....long term memory loss?! No, just naive. I had a great marriage to my best friend....just way too short. I wanted that again. Who wouldn’t? John was not Kevin. No one was.
My sister was horrified reading what I put with. “You’ve never been a pushover for anyone!” she exclaimed the other night. She’s right. I’ve always been in charge of me. Even our mother could never control me. I never gave away my power.
But, I did this time. Was I looking for the unconditional love I was missing from childhood? Well...whether it was or not, this was not the right man to count on for that...lol!
In the end, I decided this was just another of life’s lessons. I believe whatever happens is supposed to happen. He was definitely put in my path. There was a past karma. His mother came to both of us in messages and readings, making it pretty clear she wanted him to recover from his wounds and trust in my love. After he ramped up his efforts to thwart that love, her message to me was to get rid of him.
For me, the lesson, I believe, was self-love. Know that I am just fine as I am. I am not alone. There is love all around me. I am grateful for my family and friends. I take nothing for granted.
The lesson is also forgiveness. I am way past the anger and resentment toward him. Few people have I laughed with as I laughed with him. Memories tinged with love bring me to a higher place than focusing on the pain.
I forgive myself. I will take the lessons of forgiveness and self-love and go forward. In the end, I am responsible for my happiness. I do not find it outside of myself. It is inward.
So, here I am again....60 Year Old Female Looking For Mr. Right. Ironically, I’m not looking, but I will say this.
Every night when I close my eyes and meditate, I project my intention for love in a visualization. I have healthier expectations now. I visualize someone who communicates openly, loves me unconditionally, practices gratitude and non-judgment, and plays good bridge!
I think it’s working!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Little Berserk
It’s over for me, but he has no idea. The emails keep coming...what time are we getting together Thursday night for dinner and our regular bridge game? Do you want to walk before we eat? Should I bring dinner?
I ignore every one. I have a session with Susan. I just wanted to keep ignoring him. She insists I must communicate with him, tell him it’s over. Be calm, no drama. I assure her I will.
I make plans to be somewhere else and email him to bring my things from his house and I will leave his few items in the garage. He thanks me for my clarity since he had no idea why I suddenly stopped communicating with him.
No idea. I warned him in late July when we started ‘living together’ I was not willing to be part of a harem....monogamy or nothing....no friends, no bridge partner, no contact. But, slowly but surely he weaseled the women in. I was pissed.
Kentucky woman landed late Friday afternoon. I sent a text at midnight: “How does it feel to screw someone you've completely duped? (P.S. I did not use the word ‘screw’.)
At 8:30 a.m., I sent this: “OMG...what am I thinking??!! That’s what you’ve been doing to me for years...fits your definition of an ‘honest’ relationship.”
At this point, I was in North Carolina for my brother’s 60th birthday party and John was living it up at his son’s wedding. I have the password for the email address he used to chat up his lady friends or find them on OKCupid and all the other sites he frequented. So, I started my research.
I read dozens of emails over the course of the year to and from women he’s been involved with, I got the email addresses of the women he was currently seeing or attempting to see. I decide to do the altruistic thing and write them.
I have been in what I considered to be a serious relationship with John for the past five years. It ended last week. It took me this long to figure out exactly what and who he really is. I’m hoping to save you time and heartache.
He is a practitioner of polyamory...has a need to be involved with multiple women at the same time. He is a commitment phobe and is completely clueless about what honesty truly means. His philosophy is to tell women what is going on in his life on a need to know basis...Trust me, he will never tell you the whole truth.
Do not think about having unprotected sex with him...here’s a partial list of women he’s been involved with or is trying to get involved with...(I INSERTED 12 NAMES HERE)...the list is growing.
Consider yourselves forewarned...I wish I had been so fortunate.
Over the top? Maybe. Maybe not. I think he earned it. I'm in control now.
How did the women take it? Two thought it was fine for him to be with multiple women....I was the nut case. They just wanted me out of the picture...(No problem there, ladies....you can have him and all the competition). They sounded pretty desperate to me and, God knows, I should recognize that!
The ones who were horrified by him wanted to date ME! But, that's what you get on OKCupid.
Ain’t life grand???!!
I ignore every one. I have a session with Susan. I just wanted to keep ignoring him. She insists I must communicate with him, tell him it’s over. Be calm, no drama. I assure her I will.
I make plans to be somewhere else and email him to bring my things from his house and I will leave his few items in the garage. He thanks me for my clarity since he had no idea why I suddenly stopped communicating with him.
No idea. I warned him in late July when we started ‘living together’ I was not willing to be part of a harem....monogamy or nothing....no friends, no bridge partner, no contact. But, slowly but surely he weaseled the women in. I was pissed.
Kentucky woman landed late Friday afternoon. I sent a text at midnight: “How does it feel to screw someone you've completely duped? (P.S. I did not use the word ‘screw’.)
At 8:30 a.m., I sent this: “OMG...what am I thinking??!! That’s what you’ve been doing to me for years...fits your definition of an ‘honest’ relationship.”
At this point, I was in North Carolina for my brother’s 60th birthday party and John was living it up at his son’s wedding. I have the password for the email address he used to chat up his lady friends or find them on OKCupid and all the other sites he frequented. So, I started my research.
I read dozens of emails over the course of the year to and from women he’s been involved with, I got the email addresses of the women he was currently seeing or attempting to see. I decide to do the altruistic thing and write them.
I have been in what I considered to be a serious relationship with John for the past five years. It ended last week. It took me this long to figure out exactly what and who he really is. I’m hoping to save you time and heartache.
He is a practitioner of polyamory...has a need to be involved with multiple women at the same time. He is a commitment phobe and is completely clueless about what honesty truly means. His philosophy is to tell women what is going on in his life on a need to know basis...Trust me, he will never tell you the whole truth.
Do not think about having unprotected sex with him...here’s a partial list of women he’s been involved with or is trying to get involved with...(I INSERTED 12 NAMES HERE)...the list is growing.
Consider yourselves forewarned...I wish I had been so fortunate.
Over the top? Maybe. Maybe not. I think he earned it. I'm in control now.
How did the women take it? Two thought it was fine for him to be with multiple women....I was the nut case. They just wanted me out of the picture...(No problem there, ladies....you can have him and all the competition). They sounded pretty desperate to me and, God knows, I should recognize that!
The ones who were horrified by him wanted to date ME! But, that's what you get on OKCupid.
Ain’t life grand???!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Kabbalah to the Rescue
The only thing I knew about Kabbalah was that Madonna practiced it, which meant zero to me since I’m not a big fan. But, one day, I was listening to Hay House radio. I think it was Sonia Choquette’s show, Trust Your Vibes (now there’s clue!). Anyway, whoever the guest was referenced a book written by a noted kabbalistic scholar, Yehuda Berg.
The book? The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You. I put down that Sudoku puzzle and tuned in fully. I bought the book and ignored the dedication to Ashton and Demi. The point was that it’s the woman who holds the power in a relationship; the power inherent in being a woman is what drives the entire process.
There were two vital kabbalistic principles: 1) Like attracts like and opposites repel and
2) A woman holds the key to a soulful and loving relationship.
Dr. Berg explains the seven rules with absolute clarity:
1. Men are channels for the Light, while Women are vessels for the Light.
2. A man cannot be the source of a woman’s happiness.
3. The woman must defend her Light and never give it away freely.
4. Never believe what a man says (look at his actions instead).
5. The woman must choose a man she can support (his beliefs, someone you don’t wish to change).
6. Attraction is based on karma...people you have known in past lives.
7. Fear of rejection is an illusion. The Light always loves you, meaning that fear of rejection is based on an illusion as is fear of abandonment.
“The spiritual work of a woman is to recognize and to cultivate a steadfast relationship with the Light inside of her, and not to look for energy outside of herself."
The Kabbalah stuff definitely resonated with me. As I was internalizing this, the date for his son’s wedding was nearing, and his travel/sex partner from Kentucky was landing in a few days. We went to a Natural Living conference and then walked in a park.
I questioned his commitment; he was reassuring. He needed more intellectual stimulation, a theme he often repeated. I hadn’t traveled all over the world like he had. On the one hand, he declared me the most self-actualized woman he had ever known and, then, would claim I was a light weight, intellectually.
Really?? And, what were his contributions to intelligentsia? Oh, that’s right, he taught me about polyamory. I definitely needed that to expand my base of knowledge.
The tech guru needed me to program his iPhone. He had no clue. He wanted his second email account on it. I needed his password. No problem.
Monday. He was off for Columbus Day. I had plans to play bridge. I get an email from him while I was playing. I won’t bore you with the mundane, only the juice.
Hi Honey
Nature hike was fun. (A cute older lady came up after the hike and gave me her phone number! Supply and Demand I think.)
Am having awkward thoughts about Millie (Kentucky woman). She will probably find out about Kerry (his daughter) getting married at Ken’s (his son) wedding.
I know you believe in absolutes and everyone you date should know everything but she is a casual relationship. I think it is OK to have a lesser standard...I concur with a higher standard for us where you can know whatever you want.
I love you. Yesterday was fun.
xoxo John
I swear I almost left the bridge table to wring his neck. He’s worried about the Kentucky woman finding out about me????? Damn right, she should know about me. Casual??? He’s been traveling with her for three years! Lesser standard of honesty??? What the hell?! A cute older lady gave him her phone number??
I finish my game and called his cell. I ask him about why he was worried about Millie finding out about me....seemed really odd to me. (Now, there’s an understatement for our time.) He tells me he can’t talk right then; he’ll call me later. Of course, he’s with someone else.....obviously, not a male friend.
Every Monday at 6:30 p.m., I meet Jim for dinner and then we play in a bridge game. I’ve known him for a few years. Actually met him through John. I’ve always thought the world of him but we’ve never shared much on a deeper level. I sit down to my slice of pizza and the phone rings. It’s John. I ignore it. I tell Jim about the email.
He looks at me for a long time then asks, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course not.”
“What are you doing?”
Good God, what the hell am I doing? And that was it. I was done. It was over....but then I went a little berserk.
The book? The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You. I put down that Sudoku puzzle and tuned in fully. I bought the book and ignored the dedication to Ashton and Demi. The point was that it’s the woman who holds the power in a relationship; the power inherent in being a woman is what drives the entire process.
There were two vital kabbalistic principles: 1) Like attracts like and opposites repel and
2) A woman holds the key to a soulful and loving relationship.
Dr. Berg explains the seven rules with absolute clarity:
1. Men are channels for the Light, while Women are vessels for the Light.
2. A man cannot be the source of a woman’s happiness.
3. The woman must defend her Light and never give it away freely.
4. Never believe what a man says (look at his actions instead).
5. The woman must choose a man she can support (his beliefs, someone you don’t wish to change).
6. Attraction is based on karma...people you have known in past lives.
7. Fear of rejection is an illusion. The Light always loves you, meaning that fear of rejection is based on an illusion as is fear of abandonment.
“The spiritual work of a woman is to recognize and to cultivate a steadfast relationship with the Light inside of her, and not to look for energy outside of herself."
The Kabbalah stuff definitely resonated with me. As I was internalizing this, the date for his son’s wedding was nearing, and his travel/sex partner from Kentucky was landing in a few days. We went to a Natural Living conference and then walked in a park.
I questioned his commitment; he was reassuring. He needed more intellectual stimulation, a theme he often repeated. I hadn’t traveled all over the world like he had. On the one hand, he declared me the most self-actualized woman he had ever known and, then, would claim I was a light weight, intellectually.
Really?? And, what were his contributions to intelligentsia? Oh, that’s right, he taught me about polyamory. I definitely needed that to expand my base of knowledge.
The tech guru needed me to program his iPhone. He had no clue. He wanted his second email account on it. I needed his password. No problem.
Monday. He was off for Columbus Day. I had plans to play bridge. I get an email from him while I was playing. I won’t bore you with the mundane, only the juice.
Hi Honey
Nature hike was fun. (A cute older lady came up after the hike and gave me her phone number! Supply and Demand I think.)
Am having awkward thoughts about Millie (Kentucky woman). She will probably find out about Kerry (his daughter) getting married at Ken’s (his son) wedding.
I know you believe in absolutes and everyone you date should know everything but she is a casual relationship. I think it is OK to have a lesser standard...I concur with a higher standard for us where you can know whatever you want.
I love you. Yesterday was fun.
xoxo John
I swear I almost left the bridge table to wring his neck. He’s worried about the Kentucky woman finding out about me????? Damn right, she should know about me. Casual??? He’s been traveling with her for three years! Lesser standard of honesty??? What the hell?! A cute older lady gave him her phone number??
I finish my game and called his cell. I ask him about why he was worried about Millie finding out about me....seemed really odd to me. (Now, there’s an understatement for our time.) He tells me he can’t talk right then; he’ll call me later. Of course, he’s with someone else.....obviously, not a male friend.
Every Monday at 6:30 p.m., I meet Jim for dinner and then we play in a bridge game. I’ve known him for a few years. Actually met him through John. I’ve always thought the world of him but we’ve never shared much on a deeper level. I sit down to my slice of pizza and the phone rings. It’s John. I ignore it. I tell Jim about the email.
He looks at me for a long time then asks, “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
“Of course not.”
“What are you doing?”
Good God, what the hell am I doing? And that was it. I was done. It was over....but then I went a little berserk.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Where's the Joy?
Is there anything more important in life than joy? Isn’t that our mission? It is completely up to you to create joy in your life.
I opted to be totally there in this relationship....no chance for regrets, no stone unturned. I worked with him trying to create some semblance of order in his house, his yard....I spent days clearing weeds, planting, mulching. I cleaned and reorganized his kitchen....hoping against hope to get rid of the bugs. My arms and legs were covered with welts from bug bites. He’d spray me with OFF but it didn’t really help.
I was the one who accompanied him to minor surgeries, holding his hand and nursing him afterwards. It was my choice. I wanted to be there.
But, he wanted more women in his life. I found his profile on OKCupid....it’s free and he’s cheap. His profile was amusing....his picture was taken years ago and barely resembles him, he lists his age as 10 years younger...typical of the online dating scene. Ya get what you pay for.
As typical of me, I was reading one metaphysical book after another. At this point, I was reading Sandra Anne Taylor’s, The Truth about Attraction. What’s the truth about the Law of Attraction? You attract what vibrations you put out there is the general meaning of the law. I was reading it through the prism of my current, unsatisfying relationship, constantly asking myself what kind of vibrations am I emitting that I attract someone so out of sync with me.
I wrote out affirmations and put them up around my house....
I am powerful.
I am eternal and free--free from worry, limitation and fear.
I am Divine.
I am spirit.
I am love.
I am peace.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
He assured me he was committed to me, to our relationship, our future together. He was ADHD, he needed constant stimulation. He needed to learn about himself, to attain higher consciousness through relationships. He needed a support network. He had no friends. Only women could do this for him. Men were not evolved enough, he said.
Crap, crap and more crap. I had always thought his wounded ego could recover. I thought he would opt for a healthy, mature relationship over the need to be constantly fawned over. I told him he needed to catch up to me, my patience was wearing thin.
In late September I flew to Florida for my aunt’s funeral. When I returned, we met to take our favorite three mile walk. Almost immediately, he took exception to some innocuous remark I had made (so innocuous, I have no friggin’ clue what it was) and broke the peace between us.
I am powerful.
I am free.
I am spirit.
I was stunned by the contrast....the contrast between the unconditional love I’d experienced with my family in Florida and the love with limits I had with him. I knew what was going on. He was experiencing new “love” relationships.
I had stopped laughing. I had stopped writing. I had stopped going out with my friends.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
Good God, woman, get a grip!!!
I opted to be totally there in this relationship....no chance for regrets, no stone unturned. I worked with him trying to create some semblance of order in his house, his yard....I spent days clearing weeds, planting, mulching. I cleaned and reorganized his kitchen....hoping against hope to get rid of the bugs. My arms and legs were covered with welts from bug bites. He’d spray me with OFF but it didn’t really help.
I was the one who accompanied him to minor surgeries, holding his hand and nursing him afterwards. It was my choice. I wanted to be there.
But, he wanted more women in his life. I found his profile on OKCupid....it’s free and he’s cheap. His profile was amusing....his picture was taken years ago and barely resembles him, he lists his age as 10 years younger...typical of the online dating scene. Ya get what you pay for.
As typical of me, I was reading one metaphysical book after another. At this point, I was reading Sandra Anne Taylor’s, The Truth about Attraction. What’s the truth about the Law of Attraction? You attract what vibrations you put out there is the general meaning of the law. I was reading it through the prism of my current, unsatisfying relationship, constantly asking myself what kind of vibrations am I emitting that I attract someone so out of sync with me.
I wrote out affirmations and put them up around my house....
I am powerful.
I am eternal and free--free from worry, limitation and fear.
I am Divine.
I am spirit.
I am love.
I am peace.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
He assured me he was committed to me, to our relationship, our future together. He was ADHD, he needed constant stimulation. He needed to learn about himself, to attain higher consciousness through relationships. He needed a support network. He had no friends. Only women could do this for him. Men were not evolved enough, he said.
Crap, crap and more crap. I had always thought his wounded ego could recover. I thought he would opt for a healthy, mature relationship over the need to be constantly fawned over. I told him he needed to catch up to me, my patience was wearing thin.
In late September I flew to Florida for my aunt’s funeral. When I returned, we met to take our favorite three mile walk. Almost immediately, he took exception to some innocuous remark I had made (so innocuous, I have no friggin’ clue what it was) and broke the peace between us.
I am powerful.
I am free.
I am spirit.
I was stunned by the contrast....the contrast between the unconditional love I’d experienced with my family in Florida and the love with limits I had with him. I knew what was going on. He was experiencing new “love” relationships.
I had stopped laughing. I had stopped writing. I had stopped going out with my friends.
I have the power to create joy every day of my life.
Good God, woman, get a grip!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Unraveling
It seems so clear to you, right?
To me, it was like A Tale of Two Cities...”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.”
I was attracted to his exuberance for life...it was a match for mine. He laughed easily, encouraged my zany side, appreciated my journey into spiritualism. He was a free spirit. He loved to make a fool of himself. I repeatedly told him he was his own best audience. But, I laughed at him, too.
I overlooked his fear of delving deeper into himself, revealing his truths. He admired my ethics, my no-holds-barred approach to life. I dismissed the fact that he had no close friends in his daily life. I was shocked that he hadn’t voted in decades, but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me...although there is not one election in my lifetime that I sat out.
I have a positive spirit. I believe in everyone’s best self. Even when someone acts like a jerk, I know there’s a higher self in there just screaming to get out!
Communication was limited at best from the start. I wanted complete honesty, he was determined to keep his secrets. He admitted to being hypersensitive....overreacting to some innocuous remark by me or reading something into an inflection in my voice. Of course, I had my own issues. I was terribly insecure and anxiety-ridden in this relationship. What the hell was I doing?
And then we’d travel to California, Hawaii (twice in one year), Florida, Atlanta, Charleston, Boston. Traveling together was probably what we did best. We’d play bridge and sightsee....always taking advantage of the midnight whirlpool. Camping in Lily Dale, New York was invigorating....I hadn’t camped in probably 40 years and found I loved it even when the inevitable downpour threatened our good spirits. We just laughed, threw everything in the truck and took to the road.
I fell in love with Maui. Sad to say, it has bittersweet memories for me. The first trip he was in love with someone else who was jealous that I was with him on Valentine’s Day; a complete joke since he had never even ventured into a Hallmark store, much less gifted me with anything. The second trip we quarreled and he announced he would not be changing his plans....I would not be going to his son’s wedding.
I almost got on the next plane home. But, I didn’t and, instead, we planned our trip to Hana, the 52 mile road with over 620 curves. The scenery through the rainforest was breathtaking and I found the most pristine beach that I meditate on now daily, hoping to get back someday.
Oh, did I mention that his only good friend who lives in Lanai stayed with us on both trips? Not a successful formula for romance. I did say bittersweet, right?
But, I have to say I was quite the challenge myself. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve lost something critical to my well-being on a trip.
In Boston, I left my purse on the subway. Of course, it had my cell phone in it. I was panic-stricken...he was calm as calm could be. Transportation officials looked for it...nowhere to be found. Eventually, I phoned my son who reported that a woman in Cambridge had it and would bring it to the Copley the next day. Phew, good karma.
In Sacramento, I left my wallet on the table in a restaurant after dinner. I discovered it as we were leaving for the airport early the next morning. No ID to get on the plane. They actually accepted a magazine with my address on it. Called the restaurant, they had it. Fed-ex’d it the next day to me. Good karma, thank you. Again, he was calm and totally supportive.
In Orlando, my purse vanished along with my cell phone and ID in a convention room at the Marriott where hundreds of people were playing bridge in the national tournament. By this time, I was smart enough to be carrying my passport in my suitcase. Never got that purse back...had to buy another iPhone....good karma ran out. But, he was as loving as he could be. After that trip, he was in charge of my purse.
About four weeks into the ‘living together’ arrangement after our return from Hawaii and my return from my daughter’s wedding, he announced he was too tired. He needed more sleep, nights without me....especially, Friday night. He needed more time on his own.
He was bitter that he was not invited to attend my daughter’s wedding. She read this blog and knew his presence would mar her day. I was once told in a reading that she came into this life with all her past lives lessons learned. Oh, yeah....that is definitely my girl!
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness." The unraveling continues.
To me, it was like A Tale of Two Cities...”It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness.”
I was attracted to his exuberance for life...it was a match for mine. He laughed easily, encouraged my zany side, appreciated my journey into spiritualism. He was a free spirit. He loved to make a fool of himself. I repeatedly told him he was his own best audience. But, I laughed at him, too.
I overlooked his fear of delving deeper into himself, revealing his truths. He admired my ethics, my no-holds-barred approach to life. I dismissed the fact that he had no close friends in his daily life. I was shocked that he hadn’t voted in decades, but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me...although there is not one election in my lifetime that I sat out.
I have a positive spirit. I believe in everyone’s best self. Even when someone acts like a jerk, I know there’s a higher self in there just screaming to get out!
Communication was limited at best from the start. I wanted complete honesty, he was determined to keep his secrets. He admitted to being hypersensitive....overreacting to some innocuous remark by me or reading something into an inflection in my voice. Of course, I had my own issues. I was terribly insecure and anxiety-ridden in this relationship. What the hell was I doing?
And then we’d travel to California, Hawaii (twice in one year), Florida, Atlanta, Charleston, Boston. Traveling together was probably what we did best. We’d play bridge and sightsee....always taking advantage of the midnight whirlpool. Camping in Lily Dale, New York was invigorating....I hadn’t camped in probably 40 years and found I loved it even when the inevitable downpour threatened our good spirits. We just laughed, threw everything in the truck and took to the road.
I fell in love with Maui. Sad to say, it has bittersweet memories for me. The first trip he was in love with someone else who was jealous that I was with him on Valentine’s Day; a complete joke since he had never even ventured into a Hallmark store, much less gifted me with anything. The second trip we quarreled and he announced he would not be changing his plans....I would not be going to his son’s wedding.
I almost got on the next plane home. But, I didn’t and, instead, we planned our trip to Hana, the 52 mile road with over 620 curves. The scenery through the rainforest was breathtaking and I found the most pristine beach that I meditate on now daily, hoping to get back someday.
Oh, did I mention that his only good friend who lives in Lanai stayed with us on both trips? Not a successful formula for romance. I did say bittersweet, right?
But, I have to say I was quite the challenge myself. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve lost something critical to my well-being on a trip.
In Boston, I left my purse on the subway. Of course, it had my cell phone in it. I was panic-stricken...he was calm as calm could be. Transportation officials looked for it...nowhere to be found. Eventually, I phoned my son who reported that a woman in Cambridge had it and would bring it to the Copley the next day. Phew, good karma.
In Sacramento, I left my wallet on the table in a restaurant after dinner. I discovered it as we were leaving for the airport early the next morning. No ID to get on the plane. They actually accepted a magazine with my address on it. Called the restaurant, they had it. Fed-ex’d it the next day to me. Good karma, thank you. Again, he was calm and totally supportive.
In Orlando, my purse vanished along with my cell phone and ID in a convention room at the Marriott where hundreds of people were playing bridge in the national tournament. By this time, I was smart enough to be carrying my passport in my suitcase. Never got that purse back...had to buy another iPhone....good karma ran out. But, he was as loving as he could be. After that trip, he was in charge of my purse.
About four weeks into the ‘living together’ arrangement after our return from Hawaii and my return from my daughter’s wedding, he announced he was too tired. He needed more sleep, nights without me....especially, Friday night. He needed more time on his own.
He was bitter that he was not invited to attend my daughter’s wedding. She read this blog and knew his presence would mar her day. I was once told in a reading that she came into this life with all her past lives lessons learned. Oh, yeah....that is definitely my girl!
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness." The unraveling continues.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
What Happened?
We decided to try “living together.” Not exactly. I couldn’t stand his house with the overwhelming clutter, disgusting rough linens and bugs everywhere. He decided he couldn’t live in my house since it was a 25 minute longer commute to his job and his start time was 4 in the morning. We compromised....mainly, I compromised. He spent a couple of nights a week at my place. I stayed at his house most of the time.
For the first few weeks, it was all sweetness and light. We merged calendars and groceries, finding delight in being with each other, having dodged the bullet of permanently ending it. We planned trips to Maui and Lily Dale. He helped me host parties; I cooked healthy meals. We went dancing and played bridge.
In the evening, he turned on the TV and watched his USA shows. I hadn’t watched TV in ages, preferring to read whatever was on my kindle...metaphysics, mysteries, autobiographies. I stopped reading. I watched him devour endless vats of popcorn covered with salt followed by countless Trader Joe’s fruit floes. This went on for hours after a pretty decent dinner! He’s a binge eater...ya think??
Bedtime had to be at a decent hour...duh...work starts at 4 a.m. I let him dictate the schedule since I had more flexibility. Tried to sleep...most nights, I couldn’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe, my subconscious just knew it wasn’t right. Maybe, I couldn't adjust to his schedule.
When we first decided to try this arrangement, he suggested a two month trial. He cleared his calendar, as he put it. Why two months? Exactly, what had he cleared? Two months away was his son’s wedding. He had asked someone else....a woman in Kentucky that he’d been traveling with for three years. Did I have a clue about that? No! He just conveniently never mentioned that he had a female travel companion.
I asked him to take me to the wedding since we were allegedly committed now. He was also supposed to travel with her to Russia in October. He dodged the question. He’d decide later about whether or not he would cancel his plans.
RED FLAG!!!
But, I hung in there...believing the dynamics of love would overcome his need for multiple female partners. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted the relationship to continue.
But, as anyone could see....with the exception of me....this was the making of a doomed-from-the-start relationship. I fell hook, line, and sinker for the “abandonment” ploy. Remember, his wife had abandoned him when she fell in love with her boss and had a five year affair before bailing on him and the kids. He, supposedly, had been faithful to her for 25 years.
But, I have two questions here:
1) What the hell took her so long? He would truly be a nightmare to live with due to his inability to organize his life including his finances, his my way or the highway mentality, his screwed up ethics, his hypersensitivity and primitive communication skills, his lack of focus and intellectuality due to his overconsumption of hallucinogens back in the day, which has totally impacted his life today.
2) Really, who could buy that he was completely faithful? Give me a break!
But, I bought it. Oh, no, I won’t abandon you even when you are unfaithful and disrespectful and dishonest. I bought that I was his love....even when I knew he was pursuing other women.
Oh, and, of course, he didn’t break the wedding date or trip to Russia with the Kentucky woman. But, you knew that. I stayed.
We tried counseling with Susan, my favorite psychotherapist. He loved her. But, he hated having to sit down and work on revealing himself. The first session he was still in love with being together. She gave us an 85% chance of making it. Two weeks later, he was talking polyamory again and blaming me for any communication issues. She was nonjudgmental, as was I.
I’m open, I said to myself. After all, we made a vow to each other. We had written living wills and given them to our children. We were looking at buying a retirement house. Our future was together.
I was convinced we could weather it all.
For the first few weeks, it was all sweetness and light. We merged calendars and groceries, finding delight in being with each other, having dodged the bullet of permanently ending it. We planned trips to Maui and Lily Dale. He helped me host parties; I cooked healthy meals. We went dancing and played bridge.
In the evening, he turned on the TV and watched his USA shows. I hadn’t watched TV in ages, preferring to read whatever was on my kindle...metaphysics, mysteries, autobiographies. I stopped reading. I watched him devour endless vats of popcorn covered with salt followed by countless Trader Joe’s fruit floes. This went on for hours after a pretty decent dinner! He’s a binge eater...ya think??
Bedtime had to be at a decent hour...duh...work starts at 4 a.m. I let him dictate the schedule since I had more flexibility. Tried to sleep...most nights, I couldn’t. I’m not sure why. Maybe, my subconscious just knew it wasn’t right. Maybe, I couldn't adjust to his schedule.
When we first decided to try this arrangement, he suggested a two month trial. He cleared his calendar, as he put it. Why two months? Exactly, what had he cleared? Two months away was his son’s wedding. He had asked someone else....a woman in Kentucky that he’d been traveling with for three years. Did I have a clue about that? No! He just conveniently never mentioned that he had a female travel companion.
I asked him to take me to the wedding since we were allegedly committed now. He was also supposed to travel with her to Russia in October. He dodged the question. He’d decide later about whether or not he would cancel his plans.
RED FLAG!!!
But, I hung in there...believing the dynamics of love would overcome his need for multiple female partners. After all, he was the one who desperately wanted the relationship to continue.
But, as anyone could see....with the exception of me....this was the making of a doomed-from-the-start relationship. I fell hook, line, and sinker for the “abandonment” ploy. Remember, his wife had abandoned him when she fell in love with her boss and had a five year affair before bailing on him and the kids. He, supposedly, had been faithful to her for 25 years.
But, I have two questions here:
1) What the hell took her so long? He would truly be a nightmare to live with due to his inability to organize his life including his finances, his my way or the highway mentality, his screwed up ethics, his hypersensitivity and primitive communication skills, his lack of focus and intellectuality due to his overconsumption of hallucinogens back in the day, which has totally impacted his life today.
2) Really, who could buy that he was completely faithful? Give me a break!
But, I bought it. Oh, no, I won’t abandon you even when you are unfaithful and disrespectful and dishonest. I bought that I was his love....even when I knew he was pursuing other women.
Oh, and, of course, he didn’t break the wedding date or trip to Russia with the Kentucky woman. But, you knew that. I stayed.
We tried counseling with Susan, my favorite psychotherapist. He loved her. But, he hated having to sit down and work on revealing himself. The first session he was still in love with being together. She gave us an 85% chance of making it. Two weeks later, he was talking polyamory again and blaming me for any communication issues. She was nonjudgmental, as was I.
I’m open, I said to myself. After all, we made a vow to each other. We had written living wills and given them to our children. We were looking at buying a retirement house. Our future was together.
I was convinced we could weather it all.
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