I’m soul searching here....can I be or should I be in a committed relationship with John?
Yes, I Looove him, but the communication problems loom large. Off the cuff remarks are ‘attacks’...expressing my displeasure is going ‘ballistic’....there is this hypersensitivity that inhibits honest dialogue.
Then there is the lifestyle he espouses....the polyamorous life where everybody loves everybody...somehow, this is not ringing reality for me. BUT...I am maintaining an open mind, while sleeping with one eye open.
I continue seeing Sammy. As you know, I am not particularly keen on people in psychology. I think the overwhelming majority of them go into it because they have deep seated problems themselves.
Susan, my psychotherapist, is my #1 exception. I absolutely believe in her....she will be direct with me but not judgmental, plus she’s been in a healthy, loving relationship for decades. I feel safe with her.
But, back to Sammy. He’s got the Ph.D. from Johns Hopkins in Psychology and is a psych professor in Miami. But, you know all that. I am not impressed by any of that because of my inherent resistance to psych people. He has to prove he’s genuinely sane!
So, I test him. I finally get the nerve to ask him why his two long-term relationships went belly up. He didn’t bat an eyelash. Over an hour....I timed him...he spoke openly about how he and his first wife grew apart. They had married very young and, eventually, she wanted to spread her wings and become independent. His take was that he had always supported her growth, but was resistant to ending the marriage. They ended amicably and are friends today. That’s a huge plus in my book!!
He then married a colleague....so there was not that lack of commonality. Which was the problem. Too much togetherness. Not enough to sustain them outside of the office. She was 10 years younger and, evidently, that added to the lack of sustainability. Don’t ask me....I’m just saying.
And, even though he still lives in Miami, he’s in Maryland a lot! He just bought a house in Pennsylvania just over the Maryland border so he could be closer to his daughters when he retires next year.
I call him the luckiest guy in America. Why? He was so worried about carrying three mortgages...the Pennsylvania house, the Virginia cabin and the South Beach condo. Well, the cabin sold in three days and the condo sold in three weeks. Closings all happening within a month. Do you think the gods are with him or what?!
He has wanted me to send him pieces of my writing since we met. I finally sent him a few of my blog posts. Intrigued, he asked, “How do I fare in your writing?”
I respond, “Incredibly well. You’re one of the few survivors.”
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Life Is Good
Okay, I’ve got my political rant out of my system so will return to the personal one. John wanted back in.
We still played bridge and traveled together to tournaments. While he was in love, we were in Tennessee on what seemed like a spiritual retreat. We hiked and meditated in the national forest there. One night, I held him as he had what I thought would be a true transformation....from operating out of fear to operating out of love. I encouraged him to confront his greatest fear....of loving deeply again....walk through the door, I said. Chi flowed through one to the other. The connection was impossible to deny.
We both were profoundly moved.
He didn’t like that he spent Mother’s Day alone while my kids were cheering me on at the Poetry and Prose Reading. He didn’t like being on the outs with my family. He wanted to be back in the fold.
I was dating other men, enjoying the attention but not investing a lot of energy or emotion into them.
Initially, I resisted his desire to be more important in my life....throwing it up to him that he was more than willing to dispense with me when he fell in love with someone else. At first, there was denial...later, he agreed, saying that experience was an anomaly.
He wanted a commitment from me. He had a love for me that would be there forever..a conjugal love, he termed it. He saw us together. He wanted us to start seeing each other more...a few times a week was his vision. He was committed to our getting counseling when problems arose.
We wrote living wills together. My God! This is serious.
We decide to meet with my kids to try to get him back in their good graces.
We wrote guidelines for improving our communication....always a major stumbling block.
This is what Edith had hoped for, right? And, hadn’t the medium told me there was marriage around me? A spiritual marriage. A meeting of souls...you knew him in a past life. It all fit.
I lowered my resistance to a commitment. He ended his relationship with the psychotherapist to make trust easier for me.
Life is good.
God Help Us
Okay, I admit...I love to get my news from The Onion...best fake news source ‘evah’!
My favorite story of the week....God Urges Rick Perry not to run for POTUS.
Yep...couldn’t get the #1 endorsement! “I prayed last night and asked the Lord to support my candidacy for the Presidency and He said no,” Governor Perry told reporters last week. Why? God did not like his stand on not taking federal stimulus benefits to help the jobless and he cited Perry’s irresponsible talk about seceding from the union and his overall lack of solutions to the nation’s problems. You go, GOD! I always knew God was a Democrat!
Now, could God get crackin’ on the Republicans in the House? How is it that the Congress is still debating about plunging this country into a dire economic meltdown?
Eric Cantor: “It is a question that, I think, is worthy of serious consideration. Should we take steps to avoid a crippling, decades-long depression that would lead to disastrous consequences on a worldwide scale? Or should we not do that?” He adds, “And, if we’re still discussing the matter on August 2, well, then, so be it.”
This is where the fake news scooped reality!
How is it that the Spend the Nation Into the Greatest Recession Ever Republican Party is NOW concerned about the deficit??? And now they’re willing to hurl the WORLD into a meltdown??? They had a president that doggedly led us into two unnecessary wars and coupled that with huge tax cuts for the wealthy and now they are hell bent on ruining everybody EXCEPT the wealthiest Americans!
And, yet, they somehow have convinced the ‘little guy’ they’re on their side....I DON’T THINK SO!!! Wake up, people!!
God help us!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Lucy's Voice
I humiliate myself. Seriously. I’m so focused on my love drama that I lose sight of the big picture out there. I get brought up short by Lucy’s recent email to me. Lucy’s my sister in Denver who lost her big job five years ago and has been free lance writing ever since. That’s not enough to pay the bills.
She just turn 62 last week. She’s brilliant. She’s broke.
Her Voice:
“I wish everyone knew what I see. As I stand on a street corner for my job, soliciting donations for a nonprofit, I talk with countless people -- young and old -- who are seeking jobs. they are barely making it. It is so sad -- and yet, I identify with that edge of existence.
Tonight, I watched a homeless man searching the street gutters and sidewalks for coins to buy food. He was not a drug or alcohol addict. He needed money for food, he said. I had no money to give him but then I remembered my dinner sandwich and potato chips in the baggie in my handbag -- the one you gave me in Highlands for my birthday. I gave my little dinner to him. He thanked me and began eating it immediately.
I realized how many people are struggling -- from the 23 year old college grad looking for jobs to that elderly man, probably my age, who can’t get a job. I listen to people with stories like this every day. They have no idea that I’m just a shade away from their realities. I wish I could make a difference in their lives as I struggle to regain my own life.
Most of the people with whom I work are in their early 20s -- I’m the oldest person they ever hired. A risk? I more than doubled my fundraising quota and was hired on my first day. It’s rare apparently.
Next to me in age is Simone, a French-born woman who is so colorful and upbeat -- tattoos and mini skirts, beautiful facial bone structure and vivacious personalty. She was an ice skater who trained with Nancy Kerrigan for the Olympics.
I relish hearing the life stories of my coworkers and those of people I interact with on the street. It’s truly amazing. Some of my coworkers are from very wealthy families -- others are struggling and taking time off from college or can’t find work.
Because of the pressure on fundraising quotas, I’m not sure how long this job will last. But, guess what?! I went out with my ‘trainer’ today who couldn’t raise a dime. If he came back with no money, he’d be fired. So, I gave him credit for some of the cash funds that I’d raised.
It’s a very different world.
God bless Lucy and all the others who are struggling to survive. They humble me.
Monday, July 18, 2011
It's Just Too "Woo Woo"
The day we walked was gloomy...matching our moods. Cold and rainy. We had hidden so much from each other. Obviously, our communication sucked. We danced around each other, never going through the front door. We both laid it all out there at Lake Elkhorn.
He was in love...allegedly with me and someone else. There had been someone for several months. He wanted us all to be friends. I was not open to that. He needed more freedom to experience the personal growth that came with new friendships and relationships.
I actually felt this great sense of relief. Finally, I knew. So, with that out of the way, we just talked for hours in the rain. He said I never shared with him about what I was doing or studying, so I opened up to him about my metaphysical journey that started with my trip to Omega in upstate New York. I told him about the Soul Connection workshop, Hay House radio, the Law of Attraction stuff.
It's just too "woo woo" for most people and I had certainly pigeon-holed him in that category. But, he surprised me. He listened actively.
We both left sad...a post-mortem feeling really. So much we could've shared, so much we could've been. He said he still loved me. I loved him. Incompletely. Unfulfilled.
I pushed my reset button. I started writing this blog as Movin' On. I needed to get strong, be who I really am, get into other relationships...I needed therapy and I needed to give myself positive and loving messages. I felt this tremendous feeling of freedom.
I skewered him on more than one occasion...but he was steadfast in his devotion. We still played bridge on Thursdays and we still traveled to tournaments.
One Sunday, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment with me before we played bridge. I really didn't expect him to go but he did. At the end of the service, when the mediums were giving messages to people in the congregation, Edith came to me.
"There's a motherly spirit with you. She says her name is Edith. Do you know her?" I shake my head "no." Shocked, John nervously whispers, "That's my mother!"
I nod my head "yes." And her message is 'people will try to stand in your way, but you are on the right path.' I am stunned and John looks like he's been hit by a ton of bricks. I'm not sure he really believed what had just happened, but a week later I was in Cassadaga getting a two hour reading and Edith was with me the entire time.
"There is an older lady here; there's a kindness with her. She never met a stranger. She has a lot of energy. She is very family oriented and there are many extended family members. She's a great integrater of people, especially for holiday gatherings. There's a motherly/grandmotherly vibration with her. She's showing me the name Anna."
"She is very pleased you are reaching out so far, you are standing on your tiptoes. It won't be long before you can intuit; you do it very well. You are very sensitive, you have the gift. Look for more of that to happen. You are blooming. She is very happy for you."
"This older lady feels like you are a daughter to her. She's looking forward to having you bring her through as you develop your medium skills."
I ask her about John's path. "I like your path better. He is stubborn. He doesn't listen anyway." She wants me to know she's been with me for some time. You are on a higher path and she's saying she wants to take it with you. She didn't get to do it when she was on earth but she wanted to.
I share all this with John. I ask who Anna was. "She was a neighbor. She was lovely. She died young of brain cancer." He affirmed his mom always said he never listened. "Everybody's out of step but John," was the way she put it.
Yep, it's just all too "woo woo".... but he's a believer now!
He was in love...allegedly with me and someone else. There had been someone for several months. He wanted us all to be friends. I was not open to that. He needed more freedom to experience the personal growth that came with new friendships and relationships.
I actually felt this great sense of relief. Finally, I knew. So, with that out of the way, we just talked for hours in the rain. He said I never shared with him about what I was doing or studying, so I opened up to him about my metaphysical journey that started with my trip to Omega in upstate New York. I told him about the Soul Connection workshop, Hay House radio, the Law of Attraction stuff.
It's just too "woo woo" for most people and I had certainly pigeon-holed him in that category. But, he surprised me. He listened actively.
We both left sad...a post-mortem feeling really. So much we could've shared, so much we could've been. He said he still loved me. I loved him. Incompletely. Unfulfilled.
I pushed my reset button. I started writing this blog as Movin' On. I needed to get strong, be who I really am, get into other relationships...I needed therapy and I needed to give myself positive and loving messages. I felt this tremendous feeling of freedom.
I skewered him on more than one occasion...but he was steadfast in his devotion. We still played bridge on Thursdays and we still traveled to tournaments.
One Sunday, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment with me before we played bridge. I really didn't expect him to go but he did. At the end of the service, when the mediums were giving messages to people in the congregation, Edith came to me.
"There's a motherly spirit with you. She says her name is Edith. Do you know her?" I shake my head "no." Shocked, John nervously whispers, "That's my mother!"
I nod my head "yes." And her message is 'people will try to stand in your way, but you are on the right path.' I am stunned and John looks like he's been hit by a ton of bricks. I'm not sure he really believed what had just happened, but a week later I was in Cassadaga getting a two hour reading and Edith was with me the entire time.
"There is an older lady here; there's a kindness with her. She never met a stranger. She has a lot of energy. She is very family oriented and there are many extended family members. She's a great integrater of people, especially for holiday gatherings. There's a motherly/grandmotherly vibration with her. She's showing me the name Anna."
"She is very pleased you are reaching out so far, you are standing on your tiptoes. It won't be long before you can intuit; you do it very well. You are very sensitive, you have the gift. Look for more of that to happen. You are blooming. She is very happy for you."
"This older lady feels like you are a daughter to her. She's looking forward to having you bring her through as you develop your medium skills."
I ask her about John's path. "I like your path better. He is stubborn. He doesn't listen anyway." She wants me to know she's been with me for some time. You are on a higher path and she's saying she wants to take it with you. She didn't get to do it when she was on earth but she wanted to.
I share all this with John. I ask who Anna was. "She was a neighbor. She was lovely. She died young of brain cancer." He affirmed his mom always said he never listened. "Everybody's out of step but John," was the way she put it.
Yep, it's just all too "woo woo".... but he's a believer now!
What Happened to Paradise?
I know it's crazy. I'm hearing voices and listening??!! Yep, it's Edith. Of course, I had no idea who Edith was. But, I heard, "Just love him" plain as day.
And the dance continued. We played bridge civilly...no arguments or put downs. There was the occasional movie...the occasional walk..the occasional dinner. No plan or schedule except for playing social bridge on Thursday nights. He came for diner and stayed after bridge...usually leaving early on Friday.
What we did best was travel together. Always to bridge tournaments all over the country...Atlanta, Charleston, Sacramento, Orlando, Boston, Hilton Head Island. We would spend five days together planning sightseeing trips, daily workouts, midnight whirlpool excursions, playing lots of bridge, laughing easily.
I never asked him about what he was really doing when he wasn't with me. He rarely brought it up. I knew he loved me. But, I also strongly felt the disconnect. There was the elephant in the room and we both knew it.
John asked me to go to Hawaii with him. His best friend lived on Lanai and his son had died instantly in a car his father was driving...hit in Houston by a semi 10 minutes after picking up the car at the airport...a father-son trip ending in the worst tragedy imaginable. Of course, I would go...John cannot handle emotional events. He was going to support his friend; I was to be the rock. And, coincidentally, there would be a bridge tournament while we were there...I kid you not. What timing, huh?
He made all the arrangements, sending me a one line email..."Having you with me in paradise? Priceless!"
My heart soared.
And, it WAS priceless...the entire trip...whale watching, snorkeling, outrigger canoeing, the dinner cruise, the memorial service, getting to know his wounded friend We even won the tournament! Heaven sent.
And then it was over. And he disappeared. No plans, no calls, cryptic emails. He had dispensed with me and I had no idea why.
This was before I'd found my Diamond Self or Love in 90 Days or Susan or Why Men Love Bitches.
I sent him a Dear John letter and he replied he was thinking the same thing but would like to keep playing bridge together. Seriously...this after the glorious 10 days in "paradise."
"Just love him?!" I don't think so.
We agreed to meet at Lake Elkhorn for a walk. I wanted to know the whole story and he finally came clean.
And the dance continued. We played bridge civilly...no arguments or put downs. There was the occasional movie...the occasional walk..the occasional dinner. No plan or schedule except for playing social bridge on Thursday nights. He came for diner and stayed after bridge...usually leaving early on Friday.
What we did best was travel together. Always to bridge tournaments all over the country...Atlanta, Charleston, Sacramento, Orlando, Boston, Hilton Head Island. We would spend five days together planning sightseeing trips, daily workouts, midnight whirlpool excursions, playing lots of bridge, laughing easily.
I never asked him about what he was really doing when he wasn't with me. He rarely brought it up. I knew he loved me. But, I also strongly felt the disconnect. There was the elephant in the room and we both knew it.
John asked me to go to Hawaii with him. His best friend lived on Lanai and his son had died instantly in a car his father was driving...hit in Houston by a semi 10 minutes after picking up the car at the airport...a father-son trip ending in the worst tragedy imaginable. Of course, I would go...John cannot handle emotional events. He was going to support his friend; I was to be the rock. And, coincidentally, there would be a bridge tournament while we were there...I kid you not. What timing, huh?
He made all the arrangements, sending me a one line email..."Having you with me in paradise? Priceless!"
My heart soared.
And, it WAS priceless...the entire trip...whale watching, snorkeling, outrigger canoeing, the dinner cruise, the memorial service, getting to know his wounded friend We even won the tournament! Heaven sent.
And then it was over. And he disappeared. No plans, no calls, cryptic emails. He had dispensed with me and I had no idea why.
This was before I'd found my Diamond Self or Love in 90 Days or Susan or Why Men Love Bitches.
I sent him a Dear John letter and he replied he was thinking the same thing but would like to keep playing bridge together. Seriously...this after the glorious 10 days in "paradise."
"Just love him?!" I don't think so.
We agreed to meet at Lake Elkhorn for a walk. I wanted to know the whole story and he finally came clean.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Fractured
I picked up the phone and was swept away by his relief, his hope, his willingness to be a more loving bridge partner. And, se we tried again. It was fractured.
Fractured by my long journeys.
That winter was horrendous....the worst winter even in Florida in 28 years. Living in Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo. I'm a Florida girl. I lived in New England for 13 years and hated every winter. I still hate winter. I left for six weeks. No John. No face to face building of the relationship. Just emails and the occasional phone call. I did the calling. No change there.
I returned for a few weeks in the spring. Then left again for the Soul Connection weekend at Omega in upstate new York, where I started my spiritual reawakening. That's where I learned about Hay House, radio for your soul. That's where I started reading metaphysics by the ton...just couldn't get enough of it. I fell in love with Jerry & Esther Hicks, John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Louise Hay, Carolyn Myss. I wanted to get back to Cassadaga in Florida for a reading...I'm talking mediums here.
I went to to New England to a bridge tournament and to visit my buddies up there. I was gone over a month.
Fractured by his sojourn into alternative lifestyles.
While seeing other people was within our understanding, I never did and he never said. At one point, he said he was investigating something and when he had formed an opinion, he would tell me. Very cryptic.
One July night after we finished playing bridge, I insisted that he tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't ready and then went into his house and hurriedly thrust a book in my car, Open Communication.
I'm thinking....wow...maybe we can finally open up to each other. Great news. I went home and opened it. It was all about loving multiple people simultaneously aka polyamory. I wrote him an email, "Shattered."
I went ballistic. I hated him in that moment. It was over. I blabbed it to anyone and everyone, including my family. I had to convince myself this was a relationship that would destroy me.
He called constantly. He drove over the weekend to visit his family in Illinois. We spoke on the phone for hours. He pleaded with me to stay in the relationship; he professed his great love for me over and over. He was never shy about using the L word.
It was the first "honest" conversation we had ever had. I was in a quandary. Hang in there or shut the door forever. How could I ever justify staying after I'd infused my friends and family with my fury? How could I maintain my dignity? Was he even worth eating my pride over? What the hell is wrong with my boundaries?
And, on one of the nights when I went to bed heavy with sadness...tears rolling down my cheeks, I heard a very distinct voice. "Just love him."
Clear as day. I learned later it was Edith.
Fractured by my long journeys.
That winter was horrendous....the worst winter even in Florida in 28 years. Living in Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo. I'm a Florida girl. I lived in New England for 13 years and hated every winter. I still hate winter. I left for six weeks. No John. No face to face building of the relationship. Just emails and the occasional phone call. I did the calling. No change there.
I returned for a few weeks in the spring. Then left again for the Soul Connection weekend at Omega in upstate new York, where I started my spiritual reawakening. That's where I learned about Hay House, radio for your soul. That's where I started reading metaphysics by the ton...just couldn't get enough of it. I fell in love with Jerry & Esther Hicks, John Holland, Colette Baron-Reid, Louise Hay, Carolyn Myss. I wanted to get back to Cassadaga in Florida for a reading...I'm talking mediums here.
I went to to New England to a bridge tournament and to visit my buddies up there. I was gone over a month.
Fractured by his sojourn into alternative lifestyles.
While seeing other people was within our understanding, I never did and he never said. At one point, he said he was investigating something and when he had formed an opinion, he would tell me. Very cryptic.
One July night after we finished playing bridge, I insisted that he tell me what was going on. He said he wasn't ready and then went into his house and hurriedly thrust a book in my car, Open Communication.
I'm thinking....wow...maybe we can finally open up to each other. Great news. I went home and opened it. It was all about loving multiple people simultaneously aka polyamory. I wrote him an email, "Shattered."
I went ballistic. I hated him in that moment. It was over. I blabbed it to anyone and everyone, including my family. I had to convince myself this was a relationship that would destroy me.
He called constantly. He drove over the weekend to visit his family in Illinois. We spoke on the phone for hours. He pleaded with me to stay in the relationship; he professed his great love for me over and over. He was never shy about using the L word.
It was the first "honest" conversation we had ever had. I was in a quandary. Hang in there or shut the door forever. How could I ever justify staying after I'd infused my friends and family with my fury? How could I maintain my dignity? Was he even worth eating my pride over? What the hell is wrong with my boundaries?
And, on one of the nights when I went to bed heavy with sadness...tears rolling down my cheeks, I heard a very distinct voice. "Just love him."
Clear as day. I learned later it was Edith.
D+ on the Date-ability Scale
As I told you, I met him at our social bridge group. There was an instant spark, which was followed shortly by a date to the local dinner theatre. He wanted to know my history...so I gave him my tragic life in a nutshell speech aka my husband died of AIDS...the usual vetting to see if there would be a Date #2. His questions were frank and empathetic. I did a whole lot more talking than he did. I didn't accept his offer to hang out further than evening.
But, there was a Date #2 and more. He was a mess. He had been completely blindsided by his ex leaving the family after carrying on a clandestine affair for five years. He saw himself as a victim. There were huge abandonment issues that were visible to all but him.
He was attending what he called "agony groups." The recently divorced who came to register the complaints that were never resolved during or after the marriage. Naturally, they were one-sided as the 'antagonist' was never there to present the other side. These groups determined that there should be strict 'boundaries' in any new relationships...OMG, take a risk to love again??/!!! OH, NO....
So, we structured an agreement that limited our dating and provided us both the option to date others. I demurred but agreed and never acted on the option.
Five years of flawed communication...five years of two steps forward, five steps back. Plans were rare, random, spontaneous. He was no Mr. Wonderful and I was no Ms. Perfect. On a 'date-ability' scale, together we would score maybe a D+.
Basically, we made plans to play bridge and see an occasional movie...are you reading between the lines here? Yes, to that, too.
Conversation? I am the most "out there to a fault" person I know. I practically pleaded with him to Be Here Now channeling Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert here. He operated out of fear...he couldn't be open with me because he feared my reaction...which he characterized as 'ballistic.'
As he became braver and tried to inject some honesty on the subject of seeing others, I went...yes, 'ballistic.' The relationship floundered.
I quit two and a half years ago. Just couldn't take the arguing over bridge crap, the 'structured agreement,' my futile stabs at breaking through the barriers of pain to get to the man. I kept asking myself, Is he just too wounded?
At that time, I was still leading a school...a butt kicker in anyone's book. Required so much of my energy; the relationship with John was exhausting. My kids were always my first priority but even they suffered. Shoot...I couldn't even get home in time to walk the dog.
He was Mr. Fear Is My Friend and I was Ms. Walking Time Bomb. A pretty lethal combination. So, after seeing Prairie Home Companion at Wolf Trap, we went back to his house. I dropped him off and drove home. I didn't respond to any emails. No last conversation for closure. Just closed up shop. Done. Finis. We saw each other a few times a month at our social bridge group. He was furious. I had abandoned him.
For eight months, I spent much of my time in reflection...regularly meeting with my other Susan for acupuncture sessions and trying to confront my demons. Why am I stuck? Why can't I ever cry? Where am I in my grieving over Kevin? It's been over 10 years. Do I really expect to ever recapture that kind of loving relationship? At our age, who the hell doesn't carry a ton of garbage? Look at all the garbage I'm carrying...how is that impacting me and the people I love? Do I even want a serious relationship? Maybe, I'm the one who's just too wounded. God knows, I've been through hell and back...nine years of being a caregiver for someone wasting away from AIDS. Maybe, I'm the one who just couldn't face ever being on the receiving end of that again. Maybe, I'm the one who just can't ever give her heart away again.
And, then, I start thinking about what kept us together. The laughter. He laughs easily and thinks I can be hilarious...I like an appreciative audience. He loved to surprise me. He took me to Busboys and Poets and to see 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" taped at George Washington University.
The absolute best was when he took me to the Duke Ellington School for the Arts for a benefit concert. He wouldn't tell me who we were going to see. I never knew until I looked at the program. OMG!!!
FOREVER YOUNG!
Did you see that documentary on them? If you haven't, see it today!! I mean it! Seniors mainly in their 70s and 80s singing rock music. Their lead song, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan* This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG....so much so that I want it played at my funeral.
I was overjoyed! Completely exhilarated. And that is what I remembered...the laughter and the joy...I sublimated the negatives.
And when our bridge holiday party was cancelled due to a snow storm, I spontaneously emailed him...
"Why didn't you volunteer to pick everyone up in your truck so we could party?"
My phone rang a minute later.
*FOREVER YOUNG BY BOB DYLAN
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young.
But, there was a Date #2 and more. He was a mess. He had been completely blindsided by his ex leaving the family after carrying on a clandestine affair for five years. He saw himself as a victim. There were huge abandonment issues that were visible to all but him.
He was attending what he called "agony groups." The recently divorced who came to register the complaints that were never resolved during or after the marriage. Naturally, they were one-sided as the 'antagonist' was never there to present the other side. These groups determined that there should be strict 'boundaries' in any new relationships...OMG, take a risk to love again??/!!! OH, NO....
So, we structured an agreement that limited our dating and provided us both the option to date others. I demurred but agreed and never acted on the option.
Five years of flawed communication...five years of two steps forward, five steps back. Plans were rare, random, spontaneous. He was no Mr. Wonderful and I was no Ms. Perfect. On a 'date-ability' scale, together we would score maybe a D+.
Basically, we made plans to play bridge and see an occasional movie...are you reading between the lines here? Yes, to that, too.
Conversation? I am the most "out there to a fault" person I know. I practically pleaded with him to Be Here Now channeling Baba Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert here. He operated out of fear...he couldn't be open with me because he feared my reaction...which he characterized as 'ballistic.'
As he became braver and tried to inject some honesty on the subject of seeing others, I went...yes, 'ballistic.' The relationship floundered.
I quit two and a half years ago. Just couldn't take the arguing over bridge crap, the 'structured agreement,' my futile stabs at breaking through the barriers of pain to get to the man. I kept asking myself, Is he just too wounded?
At that time, I was still leading a school...a butt kicker in anyone's book. Required so much of my energy; the relationship with John was exhausting. My kids were always my first priority but even they suffered. Shoot...I couldn't even get home in time to walk the dog.
He was Mr. Fear Is My Friend and I was Ms. Walking Time Bomb. A pretty lethal combination. So, after seeing Prairie Home Companion at Wolf Trap, we went back to his house. I dropped him off and drove home. I didn't respond to any emails. No last conversation for closure. Just closed up shop. Done. Finis. We saw each other a few times a month at our social bridge group. He was furious. I had abandoned him.
For eight months, I spent much of my time in reflection...regularly meeting with my other Susan for acupuncture sessions and trying to confront my demons. Why am I stuck? Why can't I ever cry? Where am I in my grieving over Kevin? It's been over 10 years. Do I really expect to ever recapture that kind of loving relationship? At our age, who the hell doesn't carry a ton of garbage? Look at all the garbage I'm carrying...how is that impacting me and the people I love? Do I even want a serious relationship? Maybe, I'm the one who's just too wounded. God knows, I've been through hell and back...nine years of being a caregiver for someone wasting away from AIDS. Maybe, I'm the one who just couldn't face ever being on the receiving end of that again. Maybe, I'm the one who just can't ever give her heart away again.
And, then, I start thinking about what kept us together. The laughter. He laughs easily and thinks I can be hilarious...I like an appreciative audience. He loved to surprise me. He took me to Busboys and Poets and to see 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" taped at George Washington University.
The absolute best was when he took me to the Duke Ellington School for the Arts for a benefit concert. He wouldn't tell me who we were going to see. I never knew until I looked at the program. OMG!!!
FOREVER YOUNG!
Did you see that documentary on them? If you haven't, see it today!! I mean it! Seniors mainly in their 70s and 80s singing rock music. Their lead song, 'Forever Young' by Bob Dylan* This is my ALL TIME FAVORITE SONG....so much so that I want it played at my funeral.
I was overjoyed! Completely exhilarated. And that is what I remembered...the laughter and the joy...I sublimated the negatives.
And when our bridge holiday party was cancelled due to a snow storm, I spontaneously emailed him...
"Why didn't you volunteer to pick everyone up in your truck so we could party?"
My phone rang a minute later.
*FOREVER YOUNG BY BOB DYLAN
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Too Many Friggin' Mr. Rights
Help??!! As if eHarmony, SeniorMeetPeople and Match weren't enough, I decided to checkout Chemistry.com. They correlate personality types...explorer, negotiator, builder, director to brain chemicals...dopamine, estrogen, serotonin, testosterone. I'm an Explorer/Negotiator. I'm spontaneous and compassionate with high levels of serotonin aka the happiness hormone.
They're owned by Match which already has my money so I refuse to pay. My inbox is flooded with Explorer/Negotiator types...they're begging me to upload my photo. I'll let them use their keen imaginations, another trait of explorers.
Did you know the fastest growing demographic of people using online dating is the over 50 crowd? One 76 year old woman started the online thing 20 years ago after two divorces and her last kid had left home. She's had her share of successes and comedy of errors. She's got a Ph.D., which she doesn't share since if tends to scare off men. I hate that!!!
She recently met a man on Match who showed up wearing a woman's sun hat and carrying three purses. He wanted her to come with him to Sweden to meet the queen. Her advice? Forget the emails. meet them right away. Do the vetting ASAP up close and personal. She says, "The profiles you read, they're like bathtubs. There's no variation." They all have an incredible sense of humor, work out every day, are looking for the love of their lives and are doubles for Brad Pitt.
Of course, there are lots of awkward even excruciating first dates. One woman compared them to airplane crashes...the worst moments are taking off and landing. Taking off? I can tell you in five minutes if I want to spend any time with the guy...generally, for me, he's boring. Then, there's the ending...remember the Big Kahuna, who exhibited way too much PDA on the street at the end of our first date. Really, I wasn't ready for that sloppy kiss.
Last week, The New Yorker published a piece by Nick Paumgarten entitled "Looking for Someone: Sex, Love and Loneliness on the Internet." Did you know finding your match was inspired by the World's Fair in 1964? Evidently, some giant computer selected your ideal pen pal and this got a 25 year old accountant to adapt this approach to matches closer to home.
The first computer dating service served only New York's Upper East Side then expanded to singles parties all over the city. Cosmo sent a reporter to find a match and she ended up with a gym teacher who told her his favorite sport was indoor wrestling with girls! He stood her up saying he had a backache...uh, yeah.
It's all about the mathematics..algorithms, actually, that perform computational feats way beyond the capacity of the human brain and add a layer of interpretation to find your best matches. The pool of possibilities is huge! There's literally a herd for everyone and the norm is to choose someone then 'trade up' when someone better comes along. Fits right in with the Love in 90 Days dating and rating program of 3, dropping the lowest on the scale and adding another until you find Mr. Right!
Match.com went live in 1995. It is the biggest dating site in the entire world and has acquired 30 other dating sites. It ranks third for meeting someone behind work and friends or family. Well...my school principal colleagues were way too conservative and my friends had 15 years to bring Mr. Wonderful to me. They tried, just wasn't right...too much testosterone or dopamine, as I remember. Definitely not enough serotonin.
There are some rather peculiar if not downright hilarious sites. ScientificMatch supposedly matches people according to their DNA and claims this leads to a higher rate of female orgasms. WHAT?? Then, there's the Ashley Madison site that connects cheating spouses. There's the Born Again site of AdultFriendFinder (don't ask). There's a site that claims the best matches are based on how much the couple looks alike. No math required there.
But, I'm teasing you here. I told you I was in love. He was introduced to our duplicate singles bridge group five years ago by a woman who met him on a DATING SITE!!!
There was chemistry.
They're owned by Match which already has my money so I refuse to pay. My inbox is flooded with Explorer/Negotiator types...they're begging me to upload my photo. I'll let them use their keen imaginations, another trait of explorers.
Did you know the fastest growing demographic of people using online dating is the over 50 crowd? One 76 year old woman started the online thing 20 years ago after two divorces and her last kid had left home. She's had her share of successes and comedy of errors. She's got a Ph.D., which she doesn't share since if tends to scare off men. I hate that!!!
She recently met a man on Match who showed up wearing a woman's sun hat and carrying three purses. He wanted her to come with him to Sweden to meet the queen. Her advice? Forget the emails. meet them right away. Do the vetting ASAP up close and personal. She says, "The profiles you read, they're like bathtubs. There's no variation." They all have an incredible sense of humor, work out every day, are looking for the love of their lives and are doubles for Brad Pitt.
Of course, there are lots of awkward even excruciating first dates. One woman compared them to airplane crashes...the worst moments are taking off and landing. Taking off? I can tell you in five minutes if I want to spend any time with the guy...generally, for me, he's boring. Then, there's the ending...remember the Big Kahuna, who exhibited way too much PDA on the street at the end of our first date. Really, I wasn't ready for that sloppy kiss.
Last week, The New Yorker published a piece by Nick Paumgarten entitled "Looking for Someone: Sex, Love and Loneliness on the Internet." Did you know finding your match was inspired by the World's Fair in 1964? Evidently, some giant computer selected your ideal pen pal and this got a 25 year old accountant to adapt this approach to matches closer to home.
The first computer dating service served only New York's Upper East Side then expanded to singles parties all over the city. Cosmo sent a reporter to find a match and she ended up with a gym teacher who told her his favorite sport was indoor wrestling with girls! He stood her up saying he had a backache...uh, yeah.
It's all about the mathematics..algorithms, actually, that perform computational feats way beyond the capacity of the human brain and add a layer of interpretation to find your best matches. The pool of possibilities is huge! There's literally a herd for everyone and the norm is to choose someone then 'trade up' when someone better comes along. Fits right in with the Love in 90 Days dating and rating program of 3, dropping the lowest on the scale and adding another until you find Mr. Right!
Match.com went live in 1995. It is the biggest dating site in the entire world and has acquired 30 other dating sites. It ranks third for meeting someone behind work and friends or family. Well...my school principal colleagues were way too conservative and my friends had 15 years to bring Mr. Wonderful to me. They tried, just wasn't right...too much testosterone or dopamine, as I remember. Definitely not enough serotonin.
There are some rather peculiar if not downright hilarious sites. ScientificMatch supposedly matches people according to their DNA and claims this leads to a higher rate of female orgasms. WHAT?? Then, there's the Ashley Madison site that connects cheating spouses. There's the Born Again site of AdultFriendFinder (don't ask). There's a site that claims the best matches are based on how much the couple looks alike. No math required there.
But, I'm teasing you here. I told you I was in love. He was introduced to our duplicate singles bridge group five years ago by a woman who met him on a DATING SITE!!!
There was chemistry.
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