Susan On Sammy

"Jeez, I really thought he'd be further along on his path," I lament to Susan, after describing our date.  "He's a psychologist."  The truth is, like you, my readers, I thought this could go somewhere.  But, getting ahead of myself is an issue I struggle with.  So, you would think after the life I've lived, living in the moment would be my tao.  But, like anything, it's an evolution.

On Mother's Day, I got an email from Sammy.  After the positive greetings and best wishes, he writes:
"It took me some time to process our time together.  I needed to sort some things out.  I was wondering if you would like to have a quiet lunch or dinner at a dull and uninteresting place so we could talk without sitting between bunches of tables full of animated people.  I would like to get some closure on some things that were not so clear Friday night."

There are two things that stand out for me here.  One, he's hard of hearing.  Noise and animation is a problem.  Maybe, he's thinking he didn't hear me right.  Did you really say your husband died of AIDS?  Actually, that's probably the one thing he did hear!  Second, he wants to get closure??!!  WHAT?!  Closure?  Are we open?  If he wants closure, why bother getting together at all?  We can close without a face to face.  No problem there.

But, Susan's not put off at all.  "I think it sounds like he's struggling with himself.  That's not the worst news.  Some men would be closed, provincial and not bother to look inside himself.  It's interesting that he wants to meet rather than a phone call.  It sounds like he's led a rather mainstream life."

"He made a comment about me leading a life on the edge."

"He sounds like he's led his life with his head in the sand.  Was there anything redeeming?"

"Physically fit, employed, attractive, intelligent, but rather closed."

"I think it's a credit to him that he wants to discuss it some more.  How did you feel other than annoyed?"

"I didn't get a connection, I didn't pick up much warmth.  I don't have a feeling one way or the other.  I'm trying to keep an open mind.  His presence didn't bring out my sense of humor, but first dates are ridiculously weird anyway.  I'm afraid that when I meet him again, I'll be on the defensive."

"I'm guessing you won't because he's a psychologist.  He would have worked the angles through himself and have come to some conclusions.  I'm guessing he's feeling chagrinned that he reacted as he did or he wouldn't have pursued a second meeting.  He wants to explain himself.  There are more evolved men in that grouping."

"Well, if you're me and this is your reality, it's pretty daunting to come up against such a negative reaction when you're just trying to get on with your life."

"Negative? Or shock?  I think he just didn't know what to do with it."

"But, what a question to ask on a first date!"

"He's a psychologist.  I just don't think he's comfortable with chit chat.  He went right to the heavier stuff.  He does direct clinical work so he's used to asking penetrating questions. So, when you meet, give him the opportunity to explain himself but you be ready, too.  Remember, this goes both ways.  Let's role play.  I want you to have a game plan.  I'll be him, you be you."

Susan:  "I wanted to let you know that I was taken aback by the cause of death of your late husband.  I haven't ever dated someone that has been exposed to AIDS.  So, I've been looking into myself and realized I had a negative reaction to that.  It's bothered me a great deal."

Me:  "You and I got off to a nice start.  I thought we had good communication before we met and I was wondering how a guy as urbane and educated as you comes across as so provincial?  I'm amazed at that.  I was wondering how you could be so sheltered.  I felt you withdraw.  I thought that was not an appropriate first date question."

"You're ready.  Stay self-affirming.  Be positive.  You have incredible stamina.  I can't wait for the next chapter.  Email me."

God, you'd think this was another episode on One Life To Live.