Mother-Daughter Relationship

All my life I've had a difficult relationship with my mother.  Rarely has it been easy.  There is judgement, narrow thinking, religious dogma.  She's a birther.  So, you can see we're not exactly aligned.  But, there's also a fun and dynamic side to her.

We're in a tense time right now.  She's upset that I don't quote the Bible to her.  Mom, I think that personal, I don't believe in proselytizing.  That's a personal choice for anyone.  The Bible says to go out and spread the Word, she insists.  Mom, I'm not telling you not to, it's just not a choice that's right for me.  I worry about where you're headed, which I take as my future in hell.  Mom, my spiritual side is in tact and it's not her role to judge me.  Well, that ended that conversation and we haven't spoken for months.

I'm not happy about it, believe me.  I'd like to come to some reconciliation, but how?  I had a reading in Cassadaga on April 1st.  It's not lost on me that it's April Fool's Day.

What can I do about my mother? I ask.
Agree to disagree, she responds.  Just accept her.  She's limited.  Reasoning and responsibility is her Life Cycle this time around but she hasn't made much progress here.  She has many past lives.  There is a spirit of fear, not enlightenment.   In a past life, she was very God fearing, which is why she's the way she is, even though she wasn't raised in a particularly religious family.  She may have fought in the Crusades, she's a warrior.  She has deep seated fears and probably died for religion.

Try this to help with her change.

Take a picture of her and wrap it in a purple cloth.  This symbolizes Spirit.  Then, wrap a pink cloth around the purple one.  this represents Love.  Place it in a container and cover with kosher salt.  Place a bay leaf in each corner.  This cleanses and blesses her.  Every few weeks, change the salt and the bay leaves and shake out the cloths.  You will see a difference in six months.

This is all I ever had to do?  I waited all these years for this?  Or is this my April Fool's Day joke?  I think this is just to woo woo even for me.

She goes on.  You will never convince her about your path.  You will extend the olive branch.  You must be patient and tolerant.  Let her believe she's right.  Get the peace.  Ultimately, it's your call.  Keep your space and distance but send her a love card or letter.

So, I write a letter.  It didn't turn out to be a letter of reconciliation.  I got it all out.  It was harsh, mired in the past, angry, blaming.  Definitely not written from a place of love.

I go to Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts to get the purple and pink cloths.

Mother's Day Brunch

Let me tell you up front.  I adore my kids.  Smart, committed to their values, funny, serious, loving, beautiful.  But, I'm their mom.  What do you expect me to say?  Each of the three are totally their own person.  They are all much more reserved than me, which would be about everybody anyway.

My oldest has two young children with exuberant personalities.  How did this happen to two quiet parents? she asks.  I apologize again.

They have their own opinions about my blog.  My son is clearly a fan.  You go, Mom!  The girls?  Not as much.  TMI!  I get that it has to be a challenge to read about your mother's dating life.

So, last week, I'm talking to the older one on the phone and find she's forwarding it to her friends.  Really.  Last weekend, the younger daughter and her fiance hosted a barbeque for their soccer friends.  I'm the only geezer there.  Her college roommate comes up to me, "I love your blog."  Hmmm...there's only one person who could have sent it to her.  A revelation.  She loves the ones that don't make her lose her lunch.

Mother's Day is fast approaching.  Brunch is the plan.  I ask them if they would like to support me at an open mic Mother's Day Poetry and Prose Reading.  No hesitation.  They're coming.  I'm elated and frozen all at the same time.  I did an open mic reading 35 years ago when I lived in Connecticut and was writing poetry in a women's group.  The reading was in a tiny library branch, maybe 10 people.  This will be different.

What should I read?  I'll probably have enough time to read two blogs.  Should I read something totally unrelated to the blog like last summer when I went water skiing for the first time since I was 16?  Or should I read Paralyzed, a morose piece about when I found out my dear late husband was HIV positive?  Probably, not appropriate for Mother's Day.  Ya think?

What if it turns out that I like Sammy?  Should I ask him to come?  Probably not a good move.  I'll restrain myself.  He already wants to see my writing...God help me.

I tell my younger daughter Sammy's coming to town next week.
Where's he staying, she wants to know.
Not with me.  He has his own place here.
Good.  Don't go anywhere alone with him.  He sounds too good to be true.

She thinks I have absolutely no common sense at all!  At least, I know not to go anywhere alone with him on the first date.  But, if there's a second date.....mmmm.  She is freaking out if she's reading this!
Just kidding.

Your turn to weigh in.  Seriously, what should I read?

You Deserve It All

Tuesday morning.  Another session with Susan.  Let's have an update, she says.  I tell her about Rockabillee, Funray and J.  I'm discouraged.  I'm on three dating sites, not feeling it, trying to stay optimistic.  Too many out of state matches.  You should complain, she says.  Join another site and don't do it for more than 30 minutes daily.  Dr. Diana says, "Stay open minded, mow them down and don't look back, get through it.  There will be plenty of good ones."

I tell her Miami Sammy's coming to town on Wednesday and we have a lunch date on Friday.
Have you guys been in touch?
Practically every day; our emails are easy reads,  not getting into heavy stuff.
Have you talked to him?
Not yet.
What?
I sent him my cell number today.
That's because you knew I was going to get on your case.  Did you invite him for a conversation?
No.  He's coming soon anyway.
But, a voice could make the difference in the attraction department.
Okay.  I'll work on it.

He emailed me today and included his number, so I invited him to call me while I'm driving to New England on Saturday.  CHECK.  Susan will be proud.  I'm terrified.

Back to therapy.  I tell her Harley's still sending me viruses everyday and we're going to play golf when it warms up.
How far is he from you?
Just over an hour.
That's doable.  If you had a spark, you could make it happen.  You're not putting out much of an effort and that's fine.

Today?  I got Harley's daily virus and another email asking me if I want to ride with him on his Harley.  OMG!  I tell him I've never been a biker chick but I could add it to my resume.

I tell Susan the story about going to the spiritualist service with John and his mother coming through to tell me she applauds my path.
Nooooo, Susan emotes, I am sorry to hear about a mom stressing about her son even in the afterlife.  It just never ends, does it?  Is he still in your heart?
Yes, but the balance of power has shifted.
He has a lot of catching up to do; even his Mom's trying to help him.  Is he your equal?
Not yet.
But could be at some point?
Possibly.
He's older and could be a fast grower.  But, this underscores the fact that you need to go and gather a couple of fellows.  You will be much stronger if you have that balance.  You have such incredible power; you need someone with the same joi de vivre.  You need the directness with humor, someone's who hot.  Not that many men deserve you.  You need someone who will challenge you mentally, someone who is funny as shit.  It's not going to be easy to find your match, but we're working on it.

Did I tell you I LOVE THIS WOMAN?!

Did you do your homework?  Okay, Life Dancer, what is the adjective you chose to describe you?
Glorious Life Dancer.
That's beautiful.

Repeat five times for me:  "I deserve it all."

Meet Your New Matches

Every morning I wake up to the DING on my smart phone.  "Meet Your New Matches."  Today, it's ROCKABILLEE!  Not kidding.  I check him out.  Yep, straight out of Appalachia.  This is his come on.
"I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world but look better in person and I could write a bunch of bull about myself but that's just me."  Then, I scroll down to the personality questions.  Are you patient?  His answer:  A little patient.  I see we're not exactly on the spiritual growth path yet.  DELETE.

Yesterday, it was FUNRAY60.  He describes himself as very good looking but based on his picture, I guess he looks better in person, just like Rockabillee.  He's divorced, has 5 children and he's "looking for friendship."  I scroll down.
A little about me...
Tall, dark and handsome guy who enjoys the finer things in life...red wine, walking on the beach at night, star gazing.  (Good, so far, right?)  Very intense and passionate...seeks an uninhibited lady.  (Uh Oh)
What are you looking for in a partner?
A submissive and passionate lady rings my bell. (SUBMISSIVE?  Isn't this 2011?!)
I'd just like to add...
Come on this journey of lust and passion with me.  (Wasn't he looking for "friendship'?)
Good grief, I'm gagging here.  DELETE.

These guys are from the same online dating site that matched me with James Michael Collins, my favorite Nigerian scammer.  I move on to the more uptown site.

Three new guys:  Bill, Dinkar and J.  J?  There's a fascinating name.  I look up J.  A very liberal guy living in West Virginia.  Really.
"The land here is like in the movie, The Floating Mountains of Pandora. (Never heard of it.)  Half hour to ski slopes, rivers, parks, mountains, caves, biking, lakes, fishing, hunting, white water rafting, pristine beauty in every direction.  Awe inspiring.  Please come by and visit."  I keep reading.
"Any smart women out there?  Bring it on.  I like to relax, laugh and enjoy romance.  Please come by and visit."  (I guess the mountain must come to Muhammad.  It gets better.)
"I try to be honest and caring and centered in reality.  Even though some would question my sanity, I am not a sociopath, a stalker, psychopath, violent person, liar, bigot or racist.  I might be a BIT OF A PIG, though."  Caps are mine.  Yeah, I'm really turned by a pig.
What does he look like?  Rockabillee is a dreamboat by comparison.  Guess J looks better in person, also.  DELETE.

Bill, a mechanical engineer, finds Las Vegas "therapeutic."  There are a lot of descriptors for Las Vegas..therapeutic isn't one of them.  At least, for me.  Dinkar says one of the most influential persons in his life was his ex-wife.  She's probably way more interesting than Dinkar plus Dinkar's in New Jersey and has no photo.

You get the picture...more DELETES.  But, remember, I promised I would have an open mind, be positive, not immediately push that delete button.  I'm working on that.

DING!  We are pleased to introduce today's match:  Tom from Alexandria, Virginia.  Okay, Tom, let me check you out!

Edith

I grew up in Orlando, Florida very close to the spiritualist community, Cassadaga.  It's been in existence for over 100 years.  Continuation of life after death is a basic principle of Spiritualism.  The first time I went I was probably 20 years old.  I did it as a lark, just something zany to do on a Sunday afternoon.  The experience was life altering.

There are a lot of mediums who probably are shams, but the real deal is at Cassadaga.  My great grandfather came to me at that first reading and told me I would be speaking in front of people.  At that point, I was a college drop out, so I took it as an encouraging sign to get back in school.  But, I also got devastating news.  My grandmother was terminally ill.  Most readings don't give you terrible news and countless readings and decades later, I've never had that happen again.  But, the medium was right, unfortunately.  Two months later, my grandmother was diagnosed with colon cancer and passed within a year.

It made me a believer and although I've been a Methodist, Presbyterian and Episcopalian, I am most comfortable with the principles of Spiritualism.  On Sundays, I attend the Center for Spiritual Enlightenment and, on occasion, take friends with me.

One Sunday, I took John.  Crumbs.  Remember him?  The one who took on the psychotherapist and started raising bees?  The first part of the service is meditation and healing.  He goes up for the healing.  Okay.  It took me weeks to get the nerve to go up but he is the first in the healing chair.  The second part of the service is hymns and a sermon, normal stuff.  Ad, the last part is messages given by mediums to people in the congregation.

I get more than my share of messages.  I've heard from my father, my grandmother, a female relative that died before I was born.  On this Sunday, there were an inordinate number of messages, so I'm thinking I guess I'm not hearing from anybody today.  Then, the medium points at me and says, "Let me hear your voice."  The woman in front of me speaks and the medium says, "No, the woman behind you."  I said, "Good morning."

"There's a woman with you.  Her name is Edith.  Do you know her?"
I shake my head and John whispers, "That's my mother."  Are you kidding me??!!  Your mother has a message for me?
"She says to tell you that people will stand in your way, but don't listen, you are on the right path."  I laugh out loud.  I love this woman.  John is completely blown out of the water.

A week later, I'm in Cassadaga for a reading that lasts two hours and Edith is with me the whole time.
She is very pleased I am reaching out so far.  You are blooming, she says.  I ask about her son and she says, I like your path better, he doesn't listen to anyone.  I've been with you for some time.  You are like a daughter to me.

Mom likes me better, I tell John.

Miami Sammy

Something I've noticed is that on practically every man's profile is that he loves to exercise.  Give me a break.  Does anyone really LOVE to exercise?  I hate it.  I just do it because it makes me healthier and it's the only way I can lose weight.  When I see that on a man's profile, this is what I think:  Even If It Kills me, I'm Going to Lose the Weight Before I Meet You.

Susan chuckles at that and asks if there's anyone else on my radar.  Well, yes, there's one more.  Tell me about him.

His profile lists him as being from Falls Church, Virginia.  He's a psychology professor, has a condo on Miami Beach and a cabin in the Shenandoah Forest.  He's well traveled, enjoys the advantages of urban life but needs the serenity of the woods.  Of course, one of his best life skills is keeping physically fit.  He looks very slim in his profile picture so I think he may be the exception to the desperately trying to lose weight thing.

I started the exchange by telling him I had been an American History teacher and wish I was as well traveled as he is.  Then, we share where we grew up and where our families are.  When I wrote that I was a native Floridian, he tells me he's lived in Miami Beach since 1973.  Really?  But, doesn't your profile list you as being from Falls Church?

Susan isn't put off by that at all.  If he was somewhere cold and desolate, I wouldn't be as excited.  Well...I do love Florida beaches, I counter.  What do you know about his personal history?  Nothing really.  I do know he has children and grandchildren in this area and he flies here several times a year.  Okay, that's good, she says.  I worry about the guy who doesn't have anything under his belt.  In that case, let him get into therapy.

Would you think that by the time you turned 60, you would've had a relationship or two?  I think the person would have to have a heart of stone.  His feelings must be completely shut down.  So, naturally, I'm not interested in anyone like that.

So, back to Sammy, not his real name but it works.  He wants to know about what I do with my time now that I'm retired.  He's on the verge of retiring and making some lifestyle changes and is curious about what I do.  I tell him I play competitive bridge, golf, go to lectures, concerts, movies.  Then, I tell him I write.  He definitely perked up at that.  Years before, he had tried his hand at writing fiction but he didn't think he was talented enough.  Now, he primarily writes for scientific journals.  What kind of writing do you do?

Oh, boy.  You knew this was going to come up sometime.  Sammy, I write a blog about dating in your 60s and you may find yourself smack in the middle of it.  But, I'm way more subtle than that now so I tell him my son asked me to write my life story.  All true.  I tell him I do memoir writing.

I'm liking this one better and better, Susan quips.  We'll keep him.  I like that he has an advanced degree. The cabin in the woods suggests he's looking for serenity; he's asking about retirement.  He could be ready for a lifestyle that is complementary to yours.  But, I think at some point in the near future, you need to talk on the phone and get more personal.  How do I do that?  Well, after a few more exchanges, you might suggest it.  He won't be put off.  My God, he's a psychology professor, he'll have been through encounter groups.  Just say something cute and candid.  Asking about his children could start the personal exchange.  It's okay to say you sound interesting, it might be fun to talk to you on the phone.  Men in psychology are usually more sensitive and you like that.  But, he must have the balls to be the one to suggest the time.

In the next email, he ups the ante:  In two weeks, I'm coming up for a two week stay at the cabin.  So I was wondering if you would be interested in seeing if it is possible to work out a time when we could meet to have coffee or for lunch?

YOU BETCHA!  Wow, Susan's going to love this.

Wise Woman

You've probably figured out by now that it was a virus but that wasn't my first thought.  Remember James Michael Collins?  The Nigerian scammer/entrepreneur in Omaha?  I'm a little jaded here.  Ever heard of The Law Of Attraction espoused by Esther and Jerry Hicks?  You attract whatever vibes you are sending out.  So, am I sending out the Bring On the Scammers vibe?

Harley calls right away.  Don't open it, I thought I had gotten rid of this virus.  I'll run the computer scan again.  He apologizes profusely and is adamant that he isn't married.  Early, the next morning, I get the second email:
This is the greatest thing to ever happen to my family (insert http address) This has to be the best decision you have ever made in your financial career...blah, blah, blah.  Oh, yeah, he got rid of it.

I tell Susan, my favorite Love Coach, that keeping up with the online dating stuff is taking over my life.  It's like have a full-time job, which I am loathe to take on.  She thinks it's wonderful that I'm doing it.  I'm proud of you, you have a great attitude and you are going to check it all out and see what comes.  I tell her I'm not good at doing the homework (yes, I know I was an educator but I hate homework; it reminds me of all the nights I spent grading papers).  I'm not doing the Field Report on the Duds and Studs.  I'm not spending much time reflecting.  Laughing, she professes that reflection is overrated, action is more important.  She tells me of a website that outs some of the guys who lie about who they are.  She warns, if they don't have a picture, they're probably using aliases.  But, I'm way ahead of her, I wouldn't think of corresponding with anyone without a picture.

It appears I've been through everyone in my region.  I keep getting matches with men all along the East Coast from New York to North Carolina.  Getting into a serious relationship with someone I can't see on a regular basis reminds me of Randy.  The guy from Connecticut who lost his law practice and house right after we broke up and married someone in New Mexico two months later.  I tell her I think I have a lack of radar.  I'm not buying that, she says firmly, you sound like you have good radar.  You have blinders on and you've been content with that.  That goes back to your Crumbs dating pattern where you think there's something wrong with you that you're not demanding it all.  Well, you're finished with that.

So, I tell her about Rob who is local.  I started corresponding with him because of his politics...you know, Liberal.  He's a health care policy advocate who is a devoted listener of Democracy Now, an independent award-winning news program hosted by Amy Goodman and Juan Gonzalez.  But, the email exchanges are brief and political in nature.  No real sharing of ideas or feelings.  He just seems so deadly serious, I'm not picking up any humor vibes.  Not particularly satisfying or encouraging to move forward.

Susan tells me to keep corresponding but in the near future, I should suggest that we talk on the phone.  But, don't be direct.  Look for the opportunity in something he writes.  I'm trying to get you away from passivity, trying to get you with someone more normal, where there is a natural rhythm.  Tell him you enjoy communication and let him know you'd allow the phone call exchange.  A lot of guys are afraid of talking on the phone; let him now you're a talker, so he's not afraid of conversation.

I'm sure my readers probably know all these tips Susan's sharing with me.  But, not me.  I think she is absolutely brilliant!

Susan Says

Time for my Skype Meet Up with Susan two days after my lunch with Harley.  Of course the first thing she asks is how it went and how I felt. My answer?  It was okay and I didn't feel anything.  Tell me about that, she says.  What does that mean you didn't feel anything?  I just didn't feel any chemistry.  What's missing, she asks.  Jeez, I can't even answer that.  You either got it or you don't.  I just didn't feel any instant spark nor did it appear two hours into his monologue.


She laughs, that's probably a good thing for you.  That'll keep you out of trouble for awhile.  I tell her the whole story.  He's a soft-spoken, conservative, rock and roll biker.  He rides a Harley and loves Led Zeppelin.  I tell her he's probably too conservative for me.  He probably is, she says, but let it play itself out.  He could be a sleeper; you might tap into whatever that Harley riding is all about.  To me, Harley riding is just an extension of a piece of the male anatomy, but I'm not going there.


Give me an update on every guy you're communicating with.  Okay, let me get out my accordian folder..lol.


I start with Ned.  I look at his profile, lives in DC, journalist covering financial news in Congress, pictures with muckety muck types.  He is laughing hysterically in his profile picture.  

• The one thing I am most passionate about is my two cocker spaniels
• My three best life skills
• Using humor to make friends laugh (Check)
• Making improvements and repairs around the house (Double Check)
• Achieving personal goals (Check)
• I wish more people noticed my generosity (mmm..why haven't they noticed?)
• The first thing people notice about me:  my quick wit (I could be a match in this area)
• The things I can't live without:  romance, my dogs, shopping, sex

WHAT???!!!  He did not write that.  Oh, yes, he did.  Sex.  A tip to the male:  We all know you are thinking this, you don't need to write it.  This is a turn-off...sublety pays bigger dividends.  Write that you want to develop a friendship that could possibly turn into the great romance of your life, but don't write that SEX is something you can't live without.

But, he also wrote that he is Very Liberal.  That's my hook.  So here's what I wrote to him:

"Yes, A flaming liberal in DC!  God, there need to be millions more like you.  But, when do you have time to walk your dogs?  Keep up the good work!"

His response two minutes later?

"Visit me and you will be pampered by three men with 10 feet

What more could a woman want!!

The offer is legit

Give me a buzz on my cell this evening"  (I know you want the number but even I have my limits)

I wrote back:

"Inappropriate, Ned.  A little too nuts, even for me."

I admit it took me a few minutes to get the men with 10 feet part.  Oh, yeah, the dogs.  Susan doesn't totally diss him but encourages caution.  Proud that I called him on his irreverence.  She says to listen to my inner voice, anything that strikes you as odd, you need to listen to.  Your inner voice is almost always correct.  So, my inner voice is telling me that he is a typical egomaniac, brash, a name dropper, and could not possibly be far enough on his personal growth path to take me on.  

I don't think he liked my response.  There were no more exchanges.  Moving on...

Then, I get an email from Harley Guy.

"If you thought about doing this in the past now is the time to actually do it. (Insert http address)  You wouldn't believe what I was able to accomplish in less than a week.  Hurry now because the clock is ticking.  Since starting this, my wife was able to quit her job and be home with the kids.  I couldn't have asked for such a great opportunity to financial success."

His wife and kids??!!

Babe In Total Control of Herself

That would be a B-I-T-C-H a la Sherry Argov, comedian and radio host, author of Why Men Love Bitches:  From Doormat to Dreamgirl--A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.  272 pages of hilarious and enlightening reading.

Stop.  I apologize for the word.  Personally, I abhor the word.  And, I was recently informed my blog was banned -- no access available from the public school system where I was formerly employed.   Bear in mind, I didn’t send it to the school system, only to carefully chosen friends.  But, alas, word travels when you’re controversial.  Now, I have their personal email addresses so no harm done.  

Advance apologies if this particular blog causes more banning!

Okay, back to Sherry and the Bitches.  She interviewed hundreds of men, and her book is nothing if not informative to the female.  To her credit, she re-defines the word.  This female is not abrasive.  She’s just who she is and likes herself.  She is strong AND kind.  She doesn’t go after men, she stays in control of her life.  Sherry contrasts her with the Nice Girl.  Needy, swept away with her romantic fantasy, loses her presence of mind.

Our society is so hell bent on youth and beauty and perfection.  According to Sherry, success in love isn’t about achieving this ideal or even about love, it’s more about attitude.  Don’t let others define you.  

She says, “A bit of irreverence is necessary to have self-esteem.  Not irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think.”  The “bitch” is the woman who plays by her own rules, has a feeling of confidence, freedom and empowerment.  Basically, she has a devil may care attitude and an “edge.”  She’s a mental challenge.

Here’s a comparison she draws between the Doormat and the Dreamgirl.

DOORMAT DREAMGIRL

I am not enough. I’m enough, take it or leave it.

She is on call like a rookie She sees him when it’s convenient for 

flight attendant. her.

She talks about having babies. She can’t remember his last name.

She asks about his “ex.” He brings up the ex, she looks at her 

                                                                            watch.

I just never thought of myself as a Doormat.  Certainly, not a Bitch.  I’m redefining myself.  I guess I see parts of me that have been the Doormat.  But, I can be a mental challenge, too.  I’m learning.  I have a life.  I will not let others define me.  I am working to be that Babe In Total Control of Herself.

All these books for women have one common theme:  Give Yourself Positive Messages!  You are IT, Girl!   

Wonder what Susan thinks?

Harley Guy

Okay....I stretched a little bit.  He didn’t come roaring up the driveway to pick me up on his Harley.  He was driving the company car and met me at the local golf club for lunch.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Harley and I have been writing each other several times a week for probably a month.  He lives over an hour away and I seem to take off on trips every time it’s time to meet a guy.  Finally, we decided on a date, time and place.  Returning from a trip to the Masters Tournament in Georgia, he landed at Baltimore Washington International in the early afternoon and we agreed to meet for a late lunch.  I gave him the name of the restaurant so he could GPS-it and he would call me when he landed.

First impressions are everything, right?  So, I review the flirting techniques and the dress code.  I had just returned from Florida where the weather was gorgeous and I could wear the one pair of flirty little heels I owned.  The Maryland spring weather was working against me...chilly, a little cloudy, windy.  The flirty heels are out.  

What to wear...here I had a great tan and couldn’t even show it off.  In our email exchanges, he had made references to tan lines...evidently, he liked them.  I’m thinking, is this weird or normal?  But, what did it matter?  He wasn’t going to see my tan lines for a long time, if ever.  

In the end, I settled on a cornflower blue top and black stovepipe pants, a little shell jewelry and suede black flats.  I was ready.  Not nervous, not really emotionally involved in the event at all.  It was one of those Step Into It moments...ready to go.

And, then, I waited.  And waited.  Are you frigging kidding me?!  I checked the plane arrival time.  It had arrived 15 minutes late.  But, this was 45 minutes ago.  I set a deadline.  If he doesn’t call by 2, I’m on my way to the Charles Theater.  

He met the deadline.  I immediately like his voice....kind, mellow, interested.  We meet.

The first thing I notice is his gentleness.  We were meeting in the parking lot and he called me and told me he was right behind me but didn’t want to frighten me.  Is that just too sweet?  I got out of the car, shook his hand and noticed that he barely resembled his picture.  Of course, he’s probably thinking the same thing!  

He wasn’t going to win the Best Looking Man contest but I wasn’t going to win the female version either.  He was slim.  Okay, I admit, this is a requirement for me.  But, doesn’t it say something about a guy who lets himself go?  Where is his self-esteem?

We take our seats in the bar area in front of the big screen TVs displaying the last day of the tournament he just left.  I’m kind of a golf nut myself so it was totally fine with me.  Harley took the lead and I let him.  Very talkative in a quiet sort of way.  I heard all about the tournament; apparently, he attended courtesy of his company and was wined and dined for three days.  I heard all about his job and how he’d like to retire in three years, he has a grown daughter in Missouri.  

In his profile, he said one of his passions was music.  I asked him about that.  (Flirting Technique #7--Ask him open-ended questions)  He loves Led Zeppelin.  Really?

Okay, I’ve been listening to this guy for over an hour and up to this point, he was the most white bread Harley guy on the planet.  Led Zeppelin?  I like them, too, I remark, but my favorites are The Allman Brothers Band and Bonnie Raitt.  

And, he says, I went to a Bonnie Raitt concert and she said something political and I found that totally unacceptable.  Abrupt turn from milk toast to tough guy.  Of course, I am as certain as I am sitting here in La Madeleine’s writing this post, that I would’ve not only found whatever she said acceptable but sent money for whatever she was espousing!

But, I’m taking it slow.  I am not going to reveal my cards.  Nor did he ask me to.  We didn’t touch politics, religion or our past relationships.  This is the new me.  I come with a lot of baggage.  In the past, I would’ve poured out my heart and soul, then wait to see if he still wanted to wade into these turbulent waters.  

No, I just keep the conversation flowing and two hours later, I use Technique #9:  When leaving, say you’d like to see him again.

Dress Code

I forgot to tell you about one of my homework assignments.  Change your dress code.
Here are some of the recommendations:

• Wear scoop necklines
• Warm colors
• Close fitting tops and pants
• Light jewelry
• HEELS!!??

NOOOOOO....I don't wear heels even though I'm only 5'1" tall.  I have a friend who wears heels with everything, even shorts!  She's uncomfortable in low-heeled shoes.  I am the complete opposite.  I will only wear 'comfortable' shoes so you know there are Aerosoles in my closet.  I probably own 20 pairs of black shoes and only one of them is a pair of bareback heels.

But, I'm going to be honest here.  I look good in heels, especially with the legs showing beneath a little pencil skirt or dress.  I admit, it's sexier to men.  So, I have this back and forth conversation going on in my head constantly...

Who are you dressing for?

Myself?  Him?

Is that moving the love intention forward?

Do you want attention or are you content with schlepping around in your flip flops?

Did you sign on to the Love in 90 Days commitment?

Can you just try wearing the damn heels?

YES, I CAN!!

Last week, I was in Florida.  I've got some pretty big events coming up...daughter's wedding, her engagement party, 60th birthday bash with some movers and shakers in New England.  I waited to shop until I lost the 15 pounds and my clothes were swimming on me.  Now, I'm ready.  I'm going to the Gucci Mall in Orlando to outfit the New Me.

White House Black Market.  Been there?  I bought a white dress there 15 years ago and it was my absolute favorite until I put it in the dryer on the hottest setting; now, it fits my 10 month-old granddaughter.  I'm still sobbing...

I enter.  I love everything!!  I'm loathe to admit this, my sense of style sucks.  I found Megan.  My own personal shopper who put together the most amazing outfit I've ever owned!  Black strapless dress, fitted with a crinoline so the skirt poofs out, shrug to match, HEELS, jewelry and satin purse.  Wow...I was my Diamond Self.  Megan got a fat commission that day and I don't even care how much it cost.  I felt and looked on top of the world!

Okay, I promise I'll write about the Harley Guy tomorrow.

Homework

Assignment 1:  You must say hello to three men everyday.  Make smiling and saying hello a habit.

Now, you would think that's no biggie, right?  I can do that.  I start at the bridge club.  Too easy.  Besides, I already know most of these guys.  I try the grocery store...they look at me like I have two heads!  No one speaks back to me.

I travel to Hilton Head Island and try it out in the General Store, where I get my coffee every morning.  This is the South...land of hospitality.  They should speak to anybody.  No dice.  These men are crabs, need their coffee before they can make eye contact or they are even more clueless than me.  After multiple stabs at this, I got one to open my door and smile.

Emboldened, I move on to Florida where I meet my friend, Ally, on Melbourne Beach.  I tell her about my homework and she marches me right out to the beach, where we were smiling and saying hello every 10 minutes.  I'm now over my quota of three and feeling pretty confident.  Who knew there were so many guys walking the beach?

We later try a little bar hopping with her friend, Todd, and at the second bar, I am the Belle of the Ball chatting up Andy and Jeff.  I'm thinking, maybe this is isn't so  bad...this is kind of fun.  I'm getting some good practice in here.  Of course, they're married!  So, on to Lou's Blues, another beach bar and, amazingly enough, I run into my cousin, Jerry, so I dance with him and put the brakes on the man chat.

Assignment 2:  You must start using some of the 16 key flirting techniques.

I kid you not.  At several points in my life, I was pretty good at this.  Now???  Again, completely clueless.  So, my coach suggests I try it on my guy buddies or men who are not threatening.  I settle on a few to try...are ya ready???

1.  Wink (not coordinated enough)
2.  Touch him lightly on the arm, shoulder, or neck. (rather bold)
3.  Give him a mini-massage. (bolder)
4.  Laugh at his jokes.  (hope he's funny)
5.  Compliment him.  (I'm searching)
6.  Ask for help with something.  (my all time favorite)
7.  Ask open-ended questions.  (I bring a list)
8.  Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he likes.  (it's on the list)
9.  When leaving, say you'd like to see him again.  (unless he's even too nuts for me)

My guy friends just think I'm acting weirder than usual but I did get help with my car charger that wasn't working right.  That was worth it!

Assignment 3:  Start completing the field report on Duds and Studs.

Nope.  Serious again.  I'm to keep a notebook--four pages on each guy.
Is he crazy about me?  Is he willing to grow?  Is he meeting the basics?  Does he meet the test of deservedness?  What are the negatives?  Does he fit or break my Deadly Dating Patterns?

Okay.  I'm about to try out my flirting techniques with the Harley guy, then I'm going to fill out the Duds and Studs report.  Wish me luck!!!!

Life Dancer

Love in 90 Days?!  I know what you're thinking.  Is she nuts?  She's just throwing away her hard earned money.

And, you could be absolutely right.  But, I'm in a high risk mood these days.  And, I bite.  Then, I read the book.  Do you ever read self-help books?  For years, I pooh-poohed this genre.  I read a few and said to myself, I could've even written this.

Let me tell you, I could NOT have written Love in 90 Days.  Mainly, because I'm clueless in the love area.  I got a real education.  I learned the Deadly Dating Patterns, how to flirt, how to operate the online dating sites.  There are trained mentors all over the country to help you navigate your love life.  Even if you currently don't even have one.

There are deadly dating patters for women and men and some are harder to overcome than others.  It's definitely easier to have a significant relationship with the Shy Guy than the Commitmet Phobe and the Player.  I know you're thinking...DUH..but sometimes you don't know you're with the Commitment Phobe and/or Player until you're deep into it.  I definitely learned I ignore way too many warnings.

I have my second session with Susan and she asks me what my Love Intention is.
I respond, "To have a date."  She laughs and says, "And?"  So after much hemming and hawing, we agree on my Love Intention.
"I intent to embark on dating increasing to at least three men for three months ultimately settling on one who is committed to me and a future together."
Yep!  That's what I'd like.

"You're going to be keeping yourself as a free agent for at least three months., upgrading until you find the one.  You accept that he may be seeing other women, as well.  I don't recommend dating more than three men at a time so you'll be dropping some and adding others.  There is no sex until there is commitment, no commitment until you've been seeing him at least three months.  That is an order."

Yes, Ma'am!  But, I agree.  Women in general and me, in particular, get too hooked into the relationship once there is intimacy.

From there, we get into a discussion about where my Crumbs pattern comes from.  She asks about my relationship with my parents.  Talk about opening Pandora's Box!!  So, I tell her my mother was narcissistic, judgmental, verbally and physically abusive.  I never knew if I was coming home from school to the Milk and Cookies Mother or the Rage-filled Psycho!  When I was 11, she called me a 'slut' and I had no idea what the word even meant.  My father?  Completely passive.  He let her run/ruin all our lives and all he ever wanted was peace and love.

"Ohhh, so that why you pick passive men.  And, you didn't get enough nurturing nor did you mother or she wouldn't be the way she is.  If you had been nurtured, you wouldn't accept crumbs.  You sound pretty happy and healthy to have gone through that kind of a childhood.  I think your birth order helped you."  (('m the oldest of three.)

"We're going to work on helping you to be your Diamond Self, your most dynamic, caring passionate, self-loving identify."
"Amen to that."
"First, you have to have a name."
"I already have one...Life Dancer."
"I like that."
"What's yours?"
"I'm Rolling Thunder and Light."
"Cool.  Okay, Rolling Thunder and Light, what's my homework?"