Crumbs

I admit I have this Fear of Being Alone but I also have this other independent, free spirit side.  I'm new to retirement, I want to travel.  Last winter, Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo.  I'm a native Floridian, I hate winter.  I went to Hilton Head for six weeks.  Returned in March, left in May to help my daughter with my new granddaughter.  Gone for five weeks.

Not around much.  But, when John and I were together, it was exquisite.  He's fun, I'm fun.  We laugh easily.  We had occasional dates.  Our bridge game and etiquette improved, meaning he didn't do the previous predictable--"Partner, why didn't you _____?"  Fill in the blank:
a) Lead back my suit
b) Bid slam
c) Lead hearts
d) Run the spades
e) All of the above

You get the idea.  Bear in mind, I'm the better player!  This is boring for non-bridge players, I know.
The bottom line:  I thought we were together.  NOT!  But, I'm living this fantasy.

He's not interested in meeting or hanging out with my friends.  I try to initiate a conversation about it...
he doesn't do conflict.

Last summer, we were playing at a local tournament, he informed me I would not be staying with him and he wanted to give me a book.  He thrusts the book, Open Love, in my face and says, "I really love you."

My view:  wow, he really wants to open up and maybe we can have a real love here.  I come home to a house full of people who are staying there for the tournament.  I open the book and it's all about polyamory.  Polyamory??!!  I start screaming!  For those of you who, like me, had no clue about this, polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people and they're quick to distinguish it from swinging.
Polyamory is much higher on the screwing around scale than swinging.

Shattered!  OMG, I thought since his wife was unfaithful to him, he wouldn't do that to his partner.  Yep, that's the female brain talking....definitely, not the male brain.  Or, at least, too many male brains.  We know where those are located.

I FREAK OUT and then, after hours of conversation and reassurance, I cave again.  Well, I was gone a lot...what did I expect?  Our expectations for the relationship were clearly out of sync.  I lowered mine.

Trust me, I am not proud of this.  Clearly, I was not satisfied with such a meaningless relationship.  I started self-destructing...drinking, smoking.  My kids were furious with me.  I expected any minute to come home to an INTERVENTION.

Less and less, he initiated contact.  Mostly, we occasionally played bridge and traveled together.  And, the obvious.  Our final trip was to Hawaii.  He was 100% there.  Hopes soared.  10 glorious days.  We came home, no contact.  Like I said, I hate roller coasters!

I sent the Dear John email.  He responded, relieved that I broke up with him.  In his passive aggressive, can't-stant-conflict way, he had thrown me under the bus, and I had FINALLY gotten it.

We talked face to face, a rare event.  He tells me his truth.  He's deep into a relationship with a newly divorced psychotherapist who also practices polyamory.  She was hell bent on getting unprotected sex from him.  Well, she got it.  And, the same week, she did someone else and HE was shattered!  They're raising bees together in Frederick.

Seriously, I can't make this up.

Crumbs.  I settled for crumbs.