Over a year and 80 posts ago, I started this blog, 60 Year Old Female Looking for Mr. Right. I want to thank my friends and readers for taking this roller coaster with me. I had no idea where I was headed but just sensed that there were others out there like me who might relate or, at the very least laugh, at my foibles.
I had just left a less than satisfying relationship and wanted to see what was out there. Yeah, I signed up for eHarmony, Match, Senior Meet People and God knows how many others. If I met the love of my life, wouldn’t the price seem paltry in the end?
And, boy, did I get my share of matches. I got Michael Collins who professed his undying love for me after losing his wife and son in a car accident. He turned out to be a Nigerian scammer. Then, there was Dwayne who turned out to be a paranoid, woman-hater in our first phone conversation...Do Not Call Me Ever Again were my last words to him. There was the Big Kahuna who French kissed me on our first date in front of the American Film Institute Theatre in Silver Spring....DONE! Nothing subtle about him. I did like Sammy from Miami but long distance relationships are never ideal and I just never got a spark there.
I did my homework reading Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov and Love in 90 Days by Diana Kirschner....my two favorites! Then, I went the spiritual route....Colette Baron-Reid’s online seminar on discovering your archetypes and Yehuda Berg’s The Spiritual Rules of Engagement. One book absolutely changed my life, The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It’s based on the law of attraction....what vibrations you send out are exactly what comes back to you.
And, I got my own therapist, Susan, who asked me all the tough questions and made me confront my demons. Simultaneously, she evoked my most loving and vulnerable self. You saw that up close and personal.
The online stuff wasn’t working for me....I got frustrated and decided to try my last relationship again. You remember, the one who practiced polyamory and was in love with the beekeeper PSYCHO-therapist....emphasis intentional on psycho. Of course, that was an exercise in futility even with the Hawaii vacations. He just couldn’t keep it in his pants....had to go. Even his mother in more than one reading told me to get rid of him.
Back to the drawing board....and, yet, I was fine. What I didn’t need was a relationship where there was no trust and limited honesty. WTF? Limited honesty???!! Does that make any sense? Of course not. But, that’s what I had settled for....pathetic!
So, I put it all out there. I ranted and raged and vented and flushed it all out of my system. I lost readers because they couldn’t take seeing me be so self-destructive staying in such an unhealthy relationship. Hey, it was truly difficult for me to understand. I offer no excuses. But, it happened and it was my path. Everything happens for a reason but, God knows, that’s not much of a comfort when you’re flailing around like a mad woman. Of course, I was angry...especially, at myself. But, forgiveness trumps all and that gave me the light I needed to emerge from the darkness.
Sandra Anne Taylor, author of The Truth About Attraction, inspired me to send a message or prayer before going to sleep about who I wanted in my life. So, every night I asked for a man who was honest, loyal, intelligent, spiritual, communicative and a good bridge player. Every night. I kid you not.
And, there he was. The man I played bridge with every Monday night for the past six months. The man I met four years ago and slowly got to know as a friend. The man I knew was never a player and never would be. The man who uses the L word sparingly but meaningfully. The man who took a leap of faith to commit to me. The man who has a huge, but tender heart who I will never take for granted. He is my dear friend and lover.
My son was feeling down recently because he hasn’t progressed career-wise as fast as he would’ve liked. I listened.
Then, I said to him, “Be grateful.” He replied, “You’re right. I have so many blessings.”
I countered, “No. That’s not what I mean. We’re always grateful in the good times. I mean be grateful for the bad times. That’s when we dig deep within ourselves to overcome our circumstances and rise beyond them. That’s when we experience our greatest spiritual, personal and, in your case, professional growth.”
And, that’s what happened for me. I had to dig deep and trust in the Source. Yeah, it’s a bit woo woo but it worked for me. I’m eternally grateful.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Jim
Seriously, couldn’t you guess Mr. Wonderful was Jim? Two weeks on the road? C’mon now.... Two weeks of the best bridge we ever played. Two weeks of hot tubbing at midnight. Two weeks of laughing ourselves silly in the middle of the night.
Yeah...it was him...four years of eyeing each other. I told Rick we had known each other for that long. His response? “Geez...I wouldn’t have even waited for J Lo for four years.”
Sixteen years of being a widow for me. Twelve years of being divorced for him. We both had kids to raise and jobs to focus on. There was no time for relationships. You can’t bring just anyone into your family. I think it makes kids insecure. Who is this person and what impact is this going to have on me? Anyway, for him and for me, it just never seemed the right thing to do.
This was a slow to boil relationship. We had both just gotten out of relationships and were not looking to jump into another one. Mainly, we met for hot chocolate, a drink or a movie and talked for hours.
What were our non-negotiables? Loyalty and honesty. Complete honesty. Not a need-to-know honesty. I may not like it but just tell me. Same for him. Cheating is not an option. There has to be trust. We’re both independent people with our own routines. We’re not together 24/7. We both know when we are not together, there is nothing to worry about.
He says he’s dull. I say, “Thank God!” He’s stable, he’s steady, he rights my listing ship when I need it. On our last trip, I lost my cell phone twice, my hairbrush for days, my keys, my bank card....I’m not kidding. This is me. This is what I do. I’m not happy about it but it invariably happens. Of course, he found everything and still smiles at me.
Our politics are different. I’m the flaming liberal, he’s the libertarian a la Ron Paul style. I always thought I’d have to have a clone of me, but I understand his thinking and he respects mine. Our values are solid down the line. We are family people first. He adores his kids and grandkids and same for me.
We both think about leaving the suburbs and moving into Baltimore where life is livelier and we can walk everywhere. We also aspire to be beach bums so Florida winters could be on the horizon.
We’re both readers...poring through every section of the Washington Post daily. We love the movies...although I’m more of a movie snob than he is. He’ll go to movies I wouldn’t dream of seeing. He wanted me to see “Act of Valor” with him today...don’t think so...way too much violence. But, we’ll meet at our favorite Portuguese restaurant afterwards.
He’s a sugar addict, not inclined to eat his vegetables, but he runs and works out every day. I swear he’ll live twenty years longer than me who eschews sugar (except for chocolate) and could easily be a vegetarian. I watch every calorie and he eats enough for two men and never gains a pound.
My absolute best relationships have been rock steady. I abhor the drama that accompanies roller coaster relationships. The ups, the downs, the angst. No, thank you. Enough of that. Of course, I should’ve figured that out a couple of years ago before things got so weird with John but I didn’t.
I asked Jim a couple of nights ago, “You couldn’t have rescued me earlier?” “You weren’t ready,” he replied. I guess he’s right. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to according to the masters.
This has been an easy relationship. We are friends first. We care deeply about each other. We respect each other’s desire for solitude but also love our time together. We share a love for travel, music, arts and we are each other’s best bridge partner.
I don’t know how long it will last. It’s early. Time will tell. I have a good feeling. I tell him I’m the happiest girl in America. He laughs at me.
But, I truly mean it. Today, I am the happiest girl in America!
Yeah...it was him...four years of eyeing each other. I told Rick we had known each other for that long. His response? “Geez...I wouldn’t have even waited for J Lo for four years.”
Sixteen years of being a widow for me. Twelve years of being divorced for him. We both had kids to raise and jobs to focus on. There was no time for relationships. You can’t bring just anyone into your family. I think it makes kids insecure. Who is this person and what impact is this going to have on me? Anyway, for him and for me, it just never seemed the right thing to do.
This was a slow to boil relationship. We had both just gotten out of relationships and were not looking to jump into another one. Mainly, we met for hot chocolate, a drink or a movie and talked for hours.
What were our non-negotiables? Loyalty and honesty. Complete honesty. Not a need-to-know honesty. I may not like it but just tell me. Same for him. Cheating is not an option. There has to be trust. We’re both independent people with our own routines. We’re not together 24/7. We both know when we are not together, there is nothing to worry about.
He says he’s dull. I say, “Thank God!” He’s stable, he’s steady, he rights my listing ship when I need it. On our last trip, I lost my cell phone twice, my hairbrush for days, my keys, my bank card....I’m not kidding. This is me. This is what I do. I’m not happy about it but it invariably happens. Of course, he found everything and still smiles at me.
Our politics are different. I’m the flaming liberal, he’s the libertarian a la Ron Paul style. I always thought I’d have to have a clone of me, but I understand his thinking and he respects mine. Our values are solid down the line. We are family people first. He adores his kids and grandkids and same for me.
We both think about leaving the suburbs and moving into Baltimore where life is livelier and we can walk everywhere. We also aspire to be beach bums so Florida winters could be on the horizon.
We’re both readers...poring through every section of the Washington Post daily. We love the movies...although I’m more of a movie snob than he is. He’ll go to movies I wouldn’t dream of seeing. He wanted me to see “Act of Valor” with him today...don’t think so...way too much violence. But, we’ll meet at our favorite Portuguese restaurant afterwards.
He’s a sugar addict, not inclined to eat his vegetables, but he runs and works out every day. I swear he’ll live twenty years longer than me who eschews sugar (except for chocolate) and could easily be a vegetarian. I watch every calorie and he eats enough for two men and never gains a pound.
My absolute best relationships have been rock steady. I abhor the drama that accompanies roller coaster relationships. The ups, the downs, the angst. No, thank you. Enough of that. Of course, I should’ve figured that out a couple of years ago before things got so weird with John but I didn’t.
I asked Jim a couple of nights ago, “You couldn’t have rescued me earlier?” “You weren’t ready,” he replied. I guess he’s right. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to according to the masters.
This has been an easy relationship. We are friends first. We care deeply about each other. We respect each other’s desire for solitude but also love our time together. We share a love for travel, music, arts and we are each other’s best bridge partner.
I don’t know how long it will last. It’s early. Time will tell. I have a good feeling. I tell him I’m the happiest girl in America. He laughs at me.
But, I truly mean it. Today, I am the happiest girl in America!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Mr. Wonderful
Several years ago, my cousin, Jonny, gave me a Mr. Wonderful doll for Christmas. I had no idea what a hit Mr. Wonderful was making around the country. He was a hunky male who, when his palm was pressed, uttered phrases like, “Let’s just cuddle tonight.”
Or “Actually, I’m not sure which way to go. I’ll turn in here and ask for directions.”
“Honey, why don’t you just relax and let me make dinner tonight” or “Can your mother stay another week?”
Hilarious, right?? NOT. Obviously, I didn’t have a Mr. Wonderful nor was one coming any time soon. What’s wrong with just cuddling or asking for directions or making dinner? Forget the one about my mother staying for another week....even I would have to veto that!
But, if I had a guy who came home and said, “Honey, you’ve been on my mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers,” I would be his adoring slave FOREVER!!! Of course, that would be after he brought me back to consciousness.
But, as we know, men and women are just wired differently. Really? I have to say I’m being challenged in that belief. Perhaps, we’re not all that different after all.
Maybe, it’s that each of us is unique with our little idiosyncrasies that develop over a lifetime. Maybe, it’s not so much about being a male or a female.
Maybe, it’s more about finding the person who makes life a little easier, a little more fun, a little more meaningful. Finding the person who you can’t wait to share your piece of news with. Or the person who makes you feel completely content just sitting next to him.
As you know, I’m writing this in my 60s. I’ve been independent for 16 years...sometimes, happily so and, sometimes, reluctantly. I don’t think, though, that I ever lost that joy for life....the ability to wake up happy every morning and look forward to whatever the day brings. I don’t think being single made me think my life was terribly lacking in any way. But, doesn’t a great love bring us closer to our higher selves?
When I was 18, I read Gibran just like every college freshman and his writing on Sorrow really stuck with me. In fact, it’s been my mantra for life: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain.”
There has been great sorrow in my life....almost always followed by great joy....the yin and the yang. You just can’t have one without the other.
And, so I’ve waited and waited....sixteen years...for the great joy that follows the great sorrow. Lots of mis-steps, false starts, abrupt endings, unsatisfying couplings.
But, lately, I've started hearing things like....
“Mmmm....you look so beautiful in the morning.”
“You know, I think it’s really important that we talk about our relationship. Tell me whatever you’re feeling. I believe in total honesty.”
OH MY GOD!!!! HE’S HERE!!! MR. WONDERFUL IS HERE!!!
Or “Actually, I’m not sure which way to go. I’ll turn in here and ask for directions.”
“Honey, why don’t you just relax and let me make dinner tonight” or “Can your mother stay another week?”
Hilarious, right?? NOT. Obviously, I didn’t have a Mr. Wonderful nor was one coming any time soon. What’s wrong with just cuddling or asking for directions or making dinner? Forget the one about my mother staying for another week....even I would have to veto that!
But, if I had a guy who came home and said, “Honey, you’ve been on my mind all day. That’s why I bought you these flowers,” I would be his adoring slave FOREVER!!! Of course, that would be after he brought me back to consciousness.
But, as we know, men and women are just wired differently. Really? I have to say I’m being challenged in that belief. Perhaps, we’re not all that different after all.
Maybe, it’s that each of us is unique with our little idiosyncrasies that develop over a lifetime. Maybe, it’s not so much about being a male or a female.
Maybe, it’s more about finding the person who makes life a little easier, a little more fun, a little more meaningful. Finding the person who you can’t wait to share your piece of news with. Or the person who makes you feel completely content just sitting next to him.
As you know, I’m writing this in my 60s. I’ve been independent for 16 years...sometimes, happily so and, sometimes, reluctantly. I don’t think, though, that I ever lost that joy for life....the ability to wake up happy every morning and look forward to whatever the day brings. I don’t think being single made me think my life was terribly lacking in any way. But, doesn’t a great love bring us closer to our higher selves?
When I was 18, I read Gibran just like every college freshman and his writing on Sorrow really stuck with me. In fact, it’s been my mantra for life: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain.”
There has been great sorrow in my life....almost always followed by great joy....the yin and the yang. You just can’t have one without the other.
And, so I’ve waited and waited....sixteen years...for the great joy that follows the great sorrow. Lots of mis-steps, false starts, abrupt endings, unsatisfying couplings.
But, lately, I've started hearing things like....
“Mmmm....you look so beautiful in the morning.”
“You know, I think it’s really important that we talk about our relationship. Tell me whatever you’re feeling. I believe in total honesty.”
OH MY GOD!!!! HE’S HERE!!! MR. WONDERFUL IS HERE!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
The Hazards of Dating Me
As you know, I followed the suggestion by Sandra Anne Taylor from her book, The Truth About Attraction, to pray every night for what you are looking for in a life partner. If you are looking for a short-term or uncommitted relationship, there’s no need to do this. You’ll get whatever comes your way. I know all about that!
I decided I wanted three things:
Unconditional acceptance...please don’t try to change me into someone you want...too old and too late for that.
Open and honest communication. Is that really so impossible? I don’t even care if I take umbrage to it, just be out there....then let me decide if I want to deal with you or not....and vice versa.
A good bridge partner. He doesn’t have to be world class...just capable of being world class. Okay, that’s a joke. I’m certainly not world class but just to have a partner I could communicate well with would be a gift. Someone on the same page and who is as competitive as me would seal the deal.
When I started praying, I didn’t expect immediate results. Or any results at all. The truth of the matter is that I was perfectly happy being me...if someone came along, I’d be happy and if someone didn’t, I’d still be happy.
I always read that that’s when your soulmate walks into your life....when you’re not even looking. I’ve been pretty skeptical of that old adage but it’s actually happened to me. Twenty years ago, my husband materialized as a reporter and smoothly coaxed me into being a source for his investigative reporting on urban education. Then, he coaxed me into being his best friend and two years later, his wife.
And, now I’m wondering if it’s happened again. Except, this time there are two of them. I’m certainly not at all sure if either of them would be a soulmate for me but life is for learning, right?
It has to be someone I can support...someone who I don’t want to change. Likes attract likes, but no one is going to line up exactly. Especially, now, when we’re carrying years of baggage from failed or unsatisfying relationships.
One of them, Rick, is a flaming liberal (check!), extremely altruistic, volunteers for everything under the sun...soup kitchen, rides for the elderly, theatre usher. He has an ironic sense of humor. He takes me on stimulating dates and pays just like in the old days. He plays bridge but it’s not his thing. The good news is we were both in happy marriages...the bad news is we both lost our spouses to lengthy illnesses. I’ve had years to recover and he’s had only a few months.
The other, Jim, is an amazing father to five kids and six grandchildren...much of the raising he did on his own. He had to find his softer side because he has a tendency to be regimented. But, there’s also a fiery side that gets eclipsed by his fear of letting his heart go. He’s a libertarian...an avid Ron Paul supporter....but, who could disagree on his stance on warmongering? He’s a serious bridge player...even more than me. We can talk for hours yet silence is also comfortable. He’s a huge movie buff....a definite kindred spirit there. He is a philosopher, a classical music devotee, well read. He’s one of the most independent men I’ve known yet he can’t live without affection. Interesting, huh?
I think they both, at least at this point, accept who I am....even if they don’t agree with my politics or my thinking on spiritualism. At least, they respect me. There is open communication but how open remains to be seen....everyone has areas they’re not willing to talk about until there’s a solid trust level established.
You’re probably thinking how nuts I am to try to rate them when they’re both obviously good men. And, how crazy to rate them based on playing bridge?! I know, you’re so right...that is so trivial...but it’s something I just love to do and I travel all over the country doing it. So, I need that compatibility.
I like them both. But, there was an unfortunate incident a couple of weeks ago. Rick had come to my house and I was driving him to play in a bridge game. He was waiting for me outside and I opened the garage door, started the ignition and backed up....
RUNNING HIM OVER!!! I screamed my head off!
Amazingly, he was just badly bruised and I was horribly mortified. He was in Banjo School in North Carolina last week mulling over the hazards of dating me.
I may be down to one.
I decided I wanted three things:
Unconditional acceptance...please don’t try to change me into someone you want...too old and too late for that.
Open and honest communication. Is that really so impossible? I don’t even care if I take umbrage to it, just be out there....then let me decide if I want to deal with you or not....and vice versa.
A good bridge partner. He doesn’t have to be world class...just capable of being world class. Okay, that’s a joke. I’m certainly not world class but just to have a partner I could communicate well with would be a gift. Someone on the same page and who is as competitive as me would seal the deal.
When I started praying, I didn’t expect immediate results. Or any results at all. The truth of the matter is that I was perfectly happy being me...if someone came along, I’d be happy and if someone didn’t, I’d still be happy.
I always read that that’s when your soulmate walks into your life....when you’re not even looking. I’ve been pretty skeptical of that old adage but it’s actually happened to me. Twenty years ago, my husband materialized as a reporter and smoothly coaxed me into being a source for his investigative reporting on urban education. Then, he coaxed me into being his best friend and two years later, his wife.
And, now I’m wondering if it’s happened again. Except, this time there are two of them. I’m certainly not at all sure if either of them would be a soulmate for me but life is for learning, right?
It has to be someone I can support...someone who I don’t want to change. Likes attract likes, but no one is going to line up exactly. Especially, now, when we’re carrying years of baggage from failed or unsatisfying relationships.
One of them, Rick, is a flaming liberal (check!), extremely altruistic, volunteers for everything under the sun...soup kitchen, rides for the elderly, theatre usher. He has an ironic sense of humor. He takes me on stimulating dates and pays just like in the old days. He plays bridge but it’s not his thing. The good news is we were both in happy marriages...the bad news is we both lost our spouses to lengthy illnesses. I’ve had years to recover and he’s had only a few months.
The other, Jim, is an amazing father to five kids and six grandchildren...much of the raising he did on his own. He had to find his softer side because he has a tendency to be regimented. But, there’s also a fiery side that gets eclipsed by his fear of letting his heart go. He’s a libertarian...an avid Ron Paul supporter....but, who could disagree on his stance on warmongering? He’s a serious bridge player...even more than me. We can talk for hours yet silence is also comfortable. He’s a huge movie buff....a definite kindred spirit there. He is a philosopher, a classical music devotee, well read. He’s one of the most independent men I’ve known yet he can’t live without affection. Interesting, huh?
I think they both, at least at this point, accept who I am....even if they don’t agree with my politics or my thinking on spiritualism. At least, they respect me. There is open communication but how open remains to be seen....everyone has areas they’re not willing to talk about until there’s a solid trust level established.
You’re probably thinking how nuts I am to try to rate them when they’re both obviously good men. And, how crazy to rate them based on playing bridge?! I know, you’re so right...that is so trivial...but it’s something I just love to do and I travel all over the country doing it. So, I need that compatibility.
I like them both. But, there was an unfortunate incident a couple of weeks ago. Rick had come to my house and I was driving him to play in a bridge game. He was waiting for me outside and I opened the garage door, started the ignition and backed up....
RUNNING HIM OVER!!! I screamed my head off!
Amazingly, he was just badly bruised and I was horribly mortified. He was in Banjo School in North Carolina last week mulling over the hazards of dating me.
I may be down to one.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Out of the Mouths of Babes
“ I think I am smart unless I am really, really in love and then I’m ridiculously stupid.”
Who said that??! An adolescent in the game of love....Taylor Swift, in an interview with Vogue this month.
I think she stole that straight from me....and I’m ancient in the game of love. Still applies sad to say. I hope I’ve learned something from the past five years of unrequited love.
I’m still on the Dating Program of Three that Dr. Diana Kirschner recommends. Divide three guys into seven nights and you can see it’s not going to be equal. I try. One always draws the short straw.
In reality, it’s more like the Dating Program of Two and I’m happy to say both of them are keepers...aka they’re not players! They don’t see the need to ‘spread their seed’ around like the last one. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that quote...really??? At 66? Kind of like a dog?
Basically, I’m home maybe one night a week! There are concerts in intimate venues, jazz clubs, plays, brunches, dinners, movies, pubs. There are stimulating conversations over editorials, politics, social issues, current events, books. It’s just fun...right now.
Keeping it on the slow side....not going intimate...any time soon. I felt so pressured for that the last time. I am not going there this time. Both of them let me set the pace and they’re fine with that. There’s the arm around my shoulder or a kiss on the cheek or walking arm in arm. Nothing more. It feels right.
I don’t feel needy....there’s no rush. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it’s not, it won’t. Of course, at this age, maybe we should step up the pace...who knows if there is a future? That’s way too pessimistic, I scold myself!
Live in the moment. Appreciate now. Love life.
At times, I get caught up in the what ifs, wondering how long it could go on like this. At some point, I’ll probably choose one over the other or move on if one gets too serious and I’m not ready.
But, Taylor, girlfriend, I am determined not to be ridiculously stupid again....unless I am really, really in love. Just kidding...:-)
Who said that??! An adolescent in the game of love....Taylor Swift, in an interview with Vogue this month.
I think she stole that straight from me....and I’m ancient in the game of love. Still applies sad to say. I hope I’ve learned something from the past five years of unrequited love.
I’m still on the Dating Program of Three that Dr. Diana Kirschner recommends. Divide three guys into seven nights and you can see it’s not going to be equal. I try. One always draws the short straw.
In reality, it’s more like the Dating Program of Two and I’m happy to say both of them are keepers...aka they’re not players! They don’t see the need to ‘spread their seed’ around like the last one. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that quote...really??? At 66? Kind of like a dog?
Basically, I’m home maybe one night a week! There are concerts in intimate venues, jazz clubs, plays, brunches, dinners, movies, pubs. There are stimulating conversations over editorials, politics, social issues, current events, books. It’s just fun...right now.
Keeping it on the slow side....not going intimate...any time soon. I felt so pressured for that the last time. I am not going there this time. Both of them let me set the pace and they’re fine with that. There’s the arm around my shoulder or a kiss on the cheek or walking arm in arm. Nothing more. It feels right.
I don’t feel needy....there’s no rush. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it’s not, it won’t. Of course, at this age, maybe we should step up the pace...who knows if there is a future? That’s way too pessimistic, I scold myself!
Live in the moment. Appreciate now. Love life.
At times, I get caught up in the what ifs, wondering how long it could go on like this. At some point, I’ll probably choose one over the other or move on if one gets too serious and I’m not ready.
But, Taylor, girlfriend, I am determined not to be ridiculously stupid again....unless I am really, really in love. Just kidding...:-)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Can Men and Women Be Friends?
I have this guy friend, Tony, I’ve known since high school. We’ve seen each other a handful of times since we graduated 45 years ago but we’re emailers...not regularly but that’s much more my fault than his.
He’s a communicator. If you ask him a question, you’re going to get a no-holds-barred answer. He’s been reading this blog since Day One. He never married and he’s curious about the Mr. or Ms. Right idea...or the idea that I could still be seeking one.
He gave up on casual dating over 25 years ago. Now, this is not a dog or some whack job. He’s extremely intelligent, personable, good looking, slim, and an excellent conversationalist.
He always wanted to have children but felt he had to be financially stable before settling down. Now, he knows what folly that is for most of us. Eventually, he got the fathering need satisfied through his siblings’ children and I’m not sure he regrets not having his own.
But, what about companionship? I counter. Don’t you miss that? What about someone to go to the movies with or a play or dinner?
Tony says he finds female friendships problematic due to the inevitable sex or commitment issues that manifest themselves. Almost always, the female expects commitment after sex. Can’t argue with that. But, he’s no player either....way too ethical for that. So, he just doesn’t date.
He remembers in his 20s one of our classmate’s mother coming over to visit with his mom. Her name was Edie and she was a recent widow. The two women reminded him of school girls; they had so much fun together. His mom asked Edie if she was going to remarry and he was stunned by her response, “I am not going to take care of another man!”
Now, she was in her 50s and, according to him, “HOT.” Can you imagine a 25 year old male thinking a woman 30 years older was “hot?” Even more shocking to him was the fact that she had absolutely no interest in being in another permanent relationship....and this was a long time ago when women choosing to be single was unheard of and certainly to be pitied.
I tell him I’m ambiguous about my relationship future. Yeah, I like having men in my life. I enjoy sharing stories and experiences. Yet, I also love my independence. If I don’t want to clean the house, I don’t. If I want to stay up all night playing bridge online, I do it. If I want to go to a tournament on the other side of the country, I do. There’s no one to check in with....and that’s okay for now.
I’m content to date and see if these fledgling friendships develop into something more profound. I’m not interested in muddying the waters with intimacy and commitment issues.
My guy friend does not believe that men and women can be ‘just’ friends unless the man is gay or the female is in a good marriage. That hasn’t been my experience, though. I’ve had and still do have men who are good friends and sex has never been an issue....at least, for me. I’m probably naive, though.
Jim, one of my bridge partners, and I were talking the other night about our favorite mystery writers and I asked him if he read Robert Parker’s Spencer series. He wasn’t familiar with it, so I explained what I really loved was the relationship between Spencer and Susan, his therapist girlfriend.
“What do you like about it?”
“They’re committed to each other. They don’t sleep with other people and a lot of the time, they don’t sleep with each other. They maintain separate residences and separate lives, but are clearly devoted to the relationship.”
“Yeah, but what if one of them wants to be with the other one and they don’t want to be? How do they decide how much time to be together? How do they resolve jealousy issues? What if one of them is more independent than the other?”
“Jim....it’s fiction! Definitely NOT real life!”
He’s a communicator. If you ask him a question, you’re going to get a no-holds-barred answer. He’s been reading this blog since Day One. He never married and he’s curious about the Mr. or Ms. Right idea...or the idea that I could still be seeking one.
He gave up on casual dating over 25 years ago. Now, this is not a dog or some whack job. He’s extremely intelligent, personable, good looking, slim, and an excellent conversationalist.
He always wanted to have children but felt he had to be financially stable before settling down. Now, he knows what folly that is for most of us. Eventually, he got the fathering need satisfied through his siblings’ children and I’m not sure he regrets not having his own.
But, what about companionship? I counter. Don’t you miss that? What about someone to go to the movies with or a play or dinner?
Tony says he finds female friendships problematic due to the inevitable sex or commitment issues that manifest themselves. Almost always, the female expects commitment after sex. Can’t argue with that. But, he’s no player either....way too ethical for that. So, he just doesn’t date.
He remembers in his 20s one of our classmate’s mother coming over to visit with his mom. Her name was Edie and she was a recent widow. The two women reminded him of school girls; they had so much fun together. His mom asked Edie if she was going to remarry and he was stunned by her response, “I am not going to take care of another man!”
Now, she was in her 50s and, according to him, “HOT.” Can you imagine a 25 year old male thinking a woman 30 years older was “hot?” Even more shocking to him was the fact that she had absolutely no interest in being in another permanent relationship....and this was a long time ago when women choosing to be single was unheard of and certainly to be pitied.
I tell him I’m ambiguous about my relationship future. Yeah, I like having men in my life. I enjoy sharing stories and experiences. Yet, I also love my independence. If I don’t want to clean the house, I don’t. If I want to stay up all night playing bridge online, I do it. If I want to go to a tournament on the other side of the country, I do. There’s no one to check in with....and that’s okay for now.
I’m content to date and see if these fledgling friendships develop into something more profound. I’m not interested in muddying the waters with intimacy and commitment issues.
My guy friend does not believe that men and women can be ‘just’ friends unless the man is gay or the female is in a good marriage. That hasn’t been my experience, though. I’ve had and still do have men who are good friends and sex has never been an issue....at least, for me. I’m probably naive, though.
Jim, one of my bridge partners, and I were talking the other night about our favorite mystery writers and I asked him if he read Robert Parker’s Spencer series. He wasn’t familiar with it, so I explained what I really loved was the relationship between Spencer and Susan, his therapist girlfriend.
“What do you like about it?”
“They’re committed to each other. They don’t sleep with other people and a lot of the time, they don’t sleep with each other. They maintain separate residences and separate lives, but are clearly devoted to the relationship.”
“Yeah, but what if one of them wants to be with the other one and they don’t want to be? How do they decide how much time to be together? How do they resolve jealousy issues? What if one of them is more independent than the other?”
“Jim....it’s fiction! Definitely NOT real life!”
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mr. Right?
I know in this blog I’m supposed to be looking for Mr. Right but I don’t think there’s a Mr. Right anymore. I think it’s more about me and not about him. That’s not to say I don’t think Mr. Right is out there or that I reject the idea of a Mr. Right. I just think I need to focus on me.
And the moment. The Power of Now. Eckhart Tolle. I picked up this book about six months ago and couldn’t read it. I wasn’t ready...not in the right place to be able to live in the moment. Of course, I had been there in the past, especially, during the nine years that Kevin was slowly dying. We had to live in the moment. It was all we had.
Six months ago, I was living in my pain-body. I’m the eternal optimist, always upbeat, never down long enough for anyone to notice. Suffering is not my thing. I love life. But, back then, I was living with anxiety, which means there’s fear. I was living in the future. I wanted that relationship to work. It wasn’t working and I was afraid to release it.
Finally, I did. And the strangest thing happened. Joy returned to me. I was free to be me....to live for now, not the past or the future. Just love today.
And an even stranger thing happened. I started meeting men...spiritual men with depth. I was in awe. That nightly visualization was really working! Remember, I asked for someone who communicates openly, practices gratitude and non-judgment, accepts me unconditionally and plays good bridge.
I told Susan, my trusted psychotherapist, I was done with the online thing. She was a little taken aback by that. “You never really gave it a chance.” I think I’m just too jaded now. Too many lies....about age, pictures, marital status. Who could believe anything in their descriptions of themselves? I know, I know....I hear all the time how people met the love of their lives on these sites. I just don’t think it works for me.
Besides, I seem to be meeting men without the sites FINALLY! She cautions me not to give up my power (can you decode that??!). That works perfectly fine for me. The love of my life was my best friend long before we considered changing our status. So, I am in no hurry, which seems crazy at my age!
I like the way these relationships are unfolding. We go for hot chocolate, a walk, a movie, dinner, an occasional drink...but mainly we talk....for hours. There’s no pressure toward intimacy. I like that.
We’re becoming closer friends. And, the interesting thing for me is that I am not attaching a future to it. I was all about wondering if this could work out...is this Mr. Right? Now, I’m just enjoying my time with them and my time with me. I’ve never felt more serene.
You’re probably thinking....well, it’s about damn time! I agree.
I had a woo woo moment with one of these men a few weeks ago. We were playing bridge with another couple and a sarcastic remark was made about another player.
Since I am focusing on practicing non-judgment, I inserted, “Remember the three questions Buddha says to ask before breaking the silence? Is it kind? Is it true?” And, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the third question.
“Is it necessary?” says my partner. OMG! Yes, that’s it!
Wow...that visualization is amazing.
And the moment. The Power of Now. Eckhart Tolle. I picked up this book about six months ago and couldn’t read it. I wasn’t ready...not in the right place to be able to live in the moment. Of course, I had been there in the past, especially, during the nine years that Kevin was slowly dying. We had to live in the moment. It was all we had.
Six months ago, I was living in my pain-body. I’m the eternal optimist, always upbeat, never down long enough for anyone to notice. Suffering is not my thing. I love life. But, back then, I was living with anxiety, which means there’s fear. I was living in the future. I wanted that relationship to work. It wasn’t working and I was afraid to release it.
Finally, I did. And the strangest thing happened. Joy returned to me. I was free to be me....to live for now, not the past or the future. Just love today.
And an even stranger thing happened. I started meeting men...spiritual men with depth. I was in awe. That nightly visualization was really working! Remember, I asked for someone who communicates openly, practices gratitude and non-judgment, accepts me unconditionally and plays good bridge.
I told Susan, my trusted psychotherapist, I was done with the online thing. She was a little taken aback by that. “You never really gave it a chance.” I think I’m just too jaded now. Too many lies....about age, pictures, marital status. Who could believe anything in their descriptions of themselves? I know, I know....I hear all the time how people met the love of their lives on these sites. I just don’t think it works for me.
Besides, I seem to be meeting men without the sites FINALLY! She cautions me not to give up my power (can you decode that??!). That works perfectly fine for me. The love of my life was my best friend long before we considered changing our status. So, I am in no hurry, which seems crazy at my age!
I like the way these relationships are unfolding. We go for hot chocolate, a walk, a movie, dinner, an occasional drink...but mainly we talk....for hours. There’s no pressure toward intimacy. I like that.
We’re becoming closer friends. And, the interesting thing for me is that I am not attaching a future to it. I was all about wondering if this could work out...is this Mr. Right? Now, I’m just enjoying my time with them and my time with me. I’ve never felt more serene.
You’re probably thinking....well, it’s about damn time! I agree.
I had a woo woo moment with one of these men a few weeks ago. We were playing bridge with another couple and a sarcastic remark was made about another player.
Since I am focusing on practicing non-judgment, I inserted, “Remember the three questions Buddha says to ask before breaking the silence? Is it kind? Is it true?” And, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the third question.
“Is it necessary?” says my partner. OMG! Yes, that’s it!
Wow...that visualization is amazing.
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