He’s a communicator. If you ask him a question, you’re going to get a no-holds-barred answer. He’s been reading this blog since Day One. He never married and he’s curious about the Mr. or Ms. Right idea...or the idea that I could still be seeking one.
He gave up on casual dating over 25 years ago. Now, this is not a dog or some whack job. He’s extremely intelligent, personable, good looking, slim, and an excellent conversationalist.
He always wanted to have children but felt he had to be financially stable before settling down. Now, he knows what folly that is for most of us. Eventually, he got the fathering need satisfied through his siblings’ children and I’m not sure he regrets not having his own.
But, what about companionship? I counter. Don’t you miss that? What about someone to go to the movies with or a play or dinner?
Tony says he finds female friendships problematic due to the inevitable sex or commitment issues that manifest themselves. Almost always, the female expects commitment after sex. Can’t argue with that. But, he’s no player either....way too ethical for that. So, he just doesn’t date.
He remembers in his 20s one of our classmate’s mother coming over to visit with his mom. Her name was Edie and she was a recent widow. The two women reminded him of school girls; they had so much fun together. His mom asked Edie if she was going to remarry and he was stunned by her response, “I am not going to take care of another man!”
Now, she was in her 50s and, according to him, “HOT.” Can you imagine a 25 year old male thinking a woman 30 years older was “hot?” Even more shocking to him was the fact that she had absolutely no interest in being in another permanent relationship....and this was a long time ago when women choosing to be single was unheard of and certainly to be pitied.
I tell him I’m ambiguous about my relationship future. Yeah, I like having men in my life. I enjoy sharing stories and experiences. Yet, I also love my independence. If I don’t want to clean the house, I don’t. If I want to stay up all night playing bridge online, I do it. If I want to go to a tournament on the other side of the country, I do. There’s no one to check in with....and that’s okay for now.
I’m content to date and see if these fledgling friendships develop into something more profound. I’m not interested in muddying the waters with intimacy and commitment issues.
My guy friend does not believe that men and women can be ‘just’ friends unless the man is gay or the female is in a good marriage. That hasn’t been my experience, though. I’ve had and still do have men who are good friends and sex has never been an issue....at least, for me. I’m probably naive, though.
Jim, one of my bridge partners, and I were talking the other night about our favorite mystery writers and I asked him if he read Robert Parker’s Spencer series. He wasn’t familiar with it, so I explained what I really loved was the relationship between Spencer and Susan, his therapist girlfriend.
“What do you like about it?”
“They’re committed to each other. They don’t sleep with other people and a lot of the time, they don’t sleep with each other. They maintain separate residences and separate lives, but are clearly devoted to the relationship.”
“Yeah, but what if one of them wants to be with the other one and they don’t want to be? How do they decide how much time to be together? How do they resolve jealousy issues? What if one of them is more independent than the other?”
“Jim....it’s fiction! Definitely NOT real life!”
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