I listened to Colette Baron-Reid's seminar on love relationships--spent three hours one night taking copious notes on Goblins. Goblins are the shadows in ourselves, the wounded ego, what we've disowned in ourselves and don't want to recognize.
If we are needy, we pick people who are needy. if we have Goblins, we can only have a relationship with another Goblin. There are twelve Goblin Archetypes and the point is to know your Goblins(s) and put them to sleep!
Here's the Reader's Digest version:
1. The Judge--constantly critical of others and looks for their flaws.
2. The Controller--has to be the leader, can't hear other's ideas or fears.
3. The Pleaser--will do whatever others want but ends up being resentful.
4. The Rescuer--needs someone to be less than they are so they can fix them, making them feel better about themselves.
5. The Victim--needs to be know as violated; fear of intimacy, abandonment.
6. The Invader--will hurt you before you hurt them, terrified of abandonment.
7. The Prostitute--uses sex to get what they want, gives up wisdom, disowns our natural process of aging.
8. The Manipulator--never moves in a straight line, disrespectful, liar.
9. The Debater--uses language to diminish another.
10. The Gypsy--can't commit, fear of exposure; chooses someone who can't commit, because they are threatened by commitment.
11. Drama Queen--pay attention to me, life is so hard.
12. Addict--flourishes in yearning.
The bottom line is these Goblin relationships are all founded in fear, not love.
When I was listening to this, I was still hanging on to John aka Crumbs. And, Colette was asked, 'How do you know if the relationship is dying or coming into something more profound?'
Her answer: 'If the relationship is becoming deeper, the growth must be reciprocal. BUT, more important than the relationship is YOU. How are You changing?'
And, that's when I decided I was DONE. I surrender my Goblins. I will not be a Rescuer or a Pleaser or a Gypsy and I will not be drawn to a Manipulator or Debater. Send me someone who will be my true partner (with a sense of humor!).
I want to get to my soul.
Okay, I know this piece is not funny. It's part of the journey. I came across something I had written some time ago in one of my journals, a quote by Buddha: "Life is nothing but change. Go into it."
I like that...let's go!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Susan
Synchronicity. I'm a big believer in this. If you look, you can find it all around you. No accidents.
And, so it is with the fact that the women who are coaching, probing every detail of my life, and cheering me on are named Susan.
Did you ever read Robert Parker? The Spencer series? Well, Spencer is this tough he-man private investigator who is head over heels in love with Susan, a very independent psychiatrist with a thriving practice. They are totally committed to each other yet are not married or even living together. They maintain their separate lives but, obviously, have a profound connection to each other. I like this Susan.
I like this relationship.
In my 40 minute free session with Susan, the real psychotherapist, she gets right to the heart of my man choices. "I think you choose men who are too soft for you." Really?! Maybe, she has a point...they do tend to be on the passive, reserved side. She encourages me to choose against type.
Somehow, I don't see me riding on the back of a Harley, but, then again, I've never tried it.
"You need someone who has moved further along than this last gentleman in terms of finding himself," she state unequivocally.
"I'll jump on that!" I reply.
She goes on to say that assertiveness is more natural to me and developing my softer side has been a more recent process and maybe I'm ready to be with someone who is more in that assertiveness, achievement role, as well.
"Shall we continue the sessions?"
"You betcha!" (Thanks, Sarah)
There are multiple, expensive options. I choose the one with the most sessions over a six month period and pay up front. I am on my way!
I have homework.
I must read Love in 90 Days and do the exercises in Chapter 1. This include examining how I spend my time which is designed to confront you with all your time wasters...easy...too hooked to my iPhone, play too much Mahjong and Bridge online. And, that's just for starters. The program has a minimal expectation of 10-13 hours a week of "work."
Just perusing eHarmony takes that much time.
Oh, and by the way, I have a date with a guy on his Harley the day I get back from my vacation to Florida!
And, so it is with the fact that the women who are coaching, probing every detail of my life, and cheering me on are named Susan.
Did you ever read Robert Parker? The Spencer series? Well, Spencer is this tough he-man private investigator who is head over heels in love with Susan, a very independent psychiatrist with a thriving practice. They are totally committed to each other yet are not married or even living together. They maintain their separate lives but, obviously, have a profound connection to each other. I like this Susan.
I like this relationship.
In my 40 minute free session with Susan, the real psychotherapist, she gets right to the heart of my man choices. "I think you choose men who are too soft for you." Really?! Maybe, she has a point...they do tend to be on the passive, reserved side. She encourages me to choose against type.
Somehow, I don't see me riding on the back of a Harley, but, then again, I've never tried it.
"You need someone who has moved further along than this last gentleman in terms of finding himself," she state unequivocally.
"I'll jump on that!" I reply.
She goes on to say that assertiveness is more natural to me and developing my softer side has been a more recent process and maybe I'm ready to be with someone who is more in that assertiveness, achievement role, as well.
"Shall we continue the sessions?"
"You betcha!" (Thanks, Sarah)
There are multiple, expensive options. I choose the one with the most sessions over a six month period and pay up front. I am on my way!
I have homework.
I must read Love in 90 Days and do the exercises in Chapter 1. This include examining how I spend my time which is designed to confront you with all your time wasters...easy...too hooked to my iPhone, play too much Mahjong and Bridge online. And, that's just for starters. The program has a minimal expectation of 10-13 hours a week of "work."
Just perusing eHarmony takes that much time.
Oh, and by the way, I have a date with a guy on his Harley the day I get back from my vacation to Florida!
Help Wanted
By now, you've probably figured out I clearly need help...professional help. I hired a Love Coach. Let me tell you how that happened.
When I retired almost two years ago, I set some goals. I had been living quite a frenetic life for too long. I needed to slow down. I needed to go inward. My life had been sorely lacking in reflection. I was going from meeting to meeting, soccer game to soccer game, occasionally, with a happy hour thrown in there.
The closest I got to introspection was my all too infrequent visits to my acupuncturist, Susan. Bear in mind, I hate needles. But several years back, I was in screaming pain from osteoarthritis in my hip. Desperate for relief, I tried every alternative before getting surgery.
That's when I met Susan. First, she asked me to talk to her for at least 30 minutes about what's going on in my life before she decided where to place the needles. I hated the needles between my toes but other than that, the needles weren't bad at all. Susan, wise woman that she is, always felt I needed the heart protector needles. YA THINK??!!
I told her I wanted to go on a retreat and she suggested Omega in upstate New York. She confessed she couldn't wait to get out of there for a hamburger because the food was all vegan. No problem for me. I sign up for the Soul Connections workshop led by John Holland and Colette Baron-Reid. All I knew was that they were mediums. I've always had a great affinity for mediums having been raised near a spiritualist colony in Florida.
John and Colette turned out to be a huge draw--hundreds of people were there. Sharing conversations with dead relatives of people in the audience really doesn't sound like it could be comical, does it? It was better than any comedy club I've ever been to. Another woman was a pet medium and cats and dogs were coming through who were very upset with their owners because they didn't like the owner's boyfriend or girlfriend or the TV shows they were watching. Anyway, that's where I first heard about Hay House Radio.
Radio for Your Soul. I downloaded that app pronto onto my iPhone along with John Holland's Oracle Cards, The Psychic Tarot. I started listening to the Hay House shows. Not obsessively, just when I was driving around. Colette and John had their own shows. Marianne Williamson and Caroline Myss had shows. I listened to Alan Cohen's Living Your Truth and the Live from The Chopra Center Show.
One day, I'm plugged in and I'm listening to Flourish!, Dr. Christiane Northrup's show. Her guest was Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of Love in 90 Days, The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
I PERKED UP!!! She said to go to her website and schedule a 40 minute free consultation with one of her trained psychotherapists. And, so I did, immediately.
Within a day, I got a response with a questionnaire asking me to honestly detail my love life. I'm sure that set off some psycho-babble. But, two days later, I got a scheduled appointment with a request for a picture.
My Love Coach introduced herself. Her name was Susan. Ahhhhh, very good sign.
When I retired almost two years ago, I set some goals. I had been living quite a frenetic life for too long. I needed to slow down. I needed to go inward. My life had been sorely lacking in reflection. I was going from meeting to meeting, soccer game to soccer game, occasionally, with a happy hour thrown in there.
The closest I got to introspection was my all too infrequent visits to my acupuncturist, Susan. Bear in mind, I hate needles. But several years back, I was in screaming pain from osteoarthritis in my hip. Desperate for relief, I tried every alternative before getting surgery.
That's when I met Susan. First, she asked me to talk to her for at least 30 minutes about what's going on in my life before she decided where to place the needles. I hated the needles between my toes but other than that, the needles weren't bad at all. Susan, wise woman that she is, always felt I needed the heart protector needles. YA THINK??!!
I told her I wanted to go on a retreat and she suggested Omega in upstate New York. She confessed she couldn't wait to get out of there for a hamburger because the food was all vegan. No problem for me. I sign up for the Soul Connections workshop led by John Holland and Colette Baron-Reid. All I knew was that they were mediums. I've always had a great affinity for mediums having been raised near a spiritualist colony in Florida.
John and Colette turned out to be a huge draw--hundreds of people were there. Sharing conversations with dead relatives of people in the audience really doesn't sound like it could be comical, does it? It was better than any comedy club I've ever been to. Another woman was a pet medium and cats and dogs were coming through who were very upset with their owners because they didn't like the owner's boyfriend or girlfriend or the TV shows they were watching. Anyway, that's where I first heard about Hay House Radio.
Radio for Your Soul. I downloaded that app pronto onto my iPhone along with John Holland's Oracle Cards, The Psychic Tarot. I started listening to the Hay House shows. Not obsessively, just when I was driving around. Colette and John had their own shows. Marianne Williamson and Caroline Myss had shows. I listened to Alan Cohen's Living Your Truth and the Live from The Chopra Center Show.
One day, I'm plugged in and I'm listening to Flourish!, Dr. Christiane Northrup's show. Her guest was Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of Love in 90 Days, The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.
I PERKED UP!!! She said to go to her website and schedule a 40 minute free consultation with one of her trained psychotherapists. And, so I did, immediately.
Within a day, I got a response with a questionnaire asking me to honestly detail my love life. I'm sure that set off some psycho-babble. But, two days later, I got a scheduled appointment with a request for a picture.
My Love Coach introduced herself. Her name was Susan. Ahhhhh, very good sign.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dwayne
Dwayne from Virginia, 40 miles away. I'm keeping an open mind here about the distance. Hey, if he's the love of my life, what do I care how far it is?
He looked good, rather handsome, in pretty decent shape. He likes working out everyday...so do I--
MATCH! There, in the profile, is the mundane. I'm a caring communicator with a sense of humor. Okay, blah, blah, blah.
Then it got very interesting...
Q: What is the one thing I wish people would notice about me?
A: I have very sexy toes.
Q: What is some additional information you would like people to know about you?
A: I'm right handed, I hook rugs. I've never ironed in my life.
Q: How do you spend your leisure time?
A: Walking, computer activities...oh, wait. Didn't I answer these questions already? OK, let me think of some more...museums and uh...sports..no, said that earlier..uhhh. TOY TRAINS, Ok, that's a lie, but
it hit my brain. Welcome to my warped world!
Of course, you know what I'm thinking. Cool, out of the box, creative, humorous. I'm going to Wink this guy. He Winks back within five minutes. Of course, I'm way too cool to respond right away. I wait a day. I send him an email challenging him to a sexy toes contest, which I know I'm going to win. Literally 10 minutes later he sends me his real email address and his phone number, saying he's up and to call him if I got the message. As you know by now, I'm way too cool to call right away.
But, I did the next night. He had a thick southern accent, said he was Jewish and that he'd never lived outside of Virginia. He said the distance between us is too great and would I consider moving to Virginia? WHAT???!! Did I just hear that right? I'm still trying to reconcile the accent and being Jewish. Seriously, I've up and down the East Coast, almost married a Jewish guy, have dozens of Jewish friends and have never heard a thick southern accent coming from any of them. But, let's plod on. I laugh at him.
He asks me about my politics. I'm a flaming liberal, I reply. Ohhhh, he starts in a condescending tone. I used to be like you. Then, he starts with the Obama bashing, the worst President ever. Worse than George Bush? I counter. At least, Bush was a nice person, he says. Oh, boy, we're into it now.
But, then just as quick, he rants about the Republicans being dominated by the fundamentalist Christians, the NRA and Rush Limbaugh.
From there, he digresses to his ten year relationship that ended two years ago because her family and friends ran her life (They did not like him!). Then, he moves on to this rambling story about how he was fired from the Federal Government...not easy to do...he was "set up." Yeah.
This completely negative and rage-filled craziness goes on for 20 minutes. I decide he's AGGRESSIVE REPULSIVE with absolutely no sense of humor.
One last question, he interjects, how did I do? I demure, saying I have to get up early in the morning.
All I'm thinking is OMG, he has my phone number!!! DO NOT CALL ME!!!!
He looked good, rather handsome, in pretty decent shape. He likes working out everyday...so do I--
MATCH! There, in the profile, is the mundane. I'm a caring communicator with a sense of humor. Okay, blah, blah, blah.
Then it got very interesting...
Q: What is the one thing I wish people would notice about me?
A: I have very sexy toes.
Q: What is some additional information you would like people to know about you?
A: I'm right handed, I hook rugs. I've never ironed in my life.
Q: How do you spend your leisure time?
A: Walking, computer activities...oh, wait. Didn't I answer these questions already? OK, let me think of some more...museums and uh...sports..no, said that earlier..uhhh. TOY TRAINS, Ok, that's a lie, but
it hit my brain. Welcome to my warped world!
Of course, you know what I'm thinking. Cool, out of the box, creative, humorous. I'm going to Wink this guy. He Winks back within five minutes. Of course, I'm way too cool to respond right away. I wait a day. I send him an email challenging him to a sexy toes contest, which I know I'm going to win. Literally 10 minutes later he sends me his real email address and his phone number, saying he's up and to call him if I got the message. As you know by now, I'm way too cool to call right away.
But, I did the next night. He had a thick southern accent, said he was Jewish and that he'd never lived outside of Virginia. He said the distance between us is too great and would I consider moving to Virginia? WHAT???!! Did I just hear that right? I'm still trying to reconcile the accent and being Jewish. Seriously, I've up and down the East Coast, almost married a Jewish guy, have dozens of Jewish friends and have never heard a thick southern accent coming from any of them. But, let's plod on. I laugh at him.
He asks me about my politics. I'm a flaming liberal, I reply. Ohhhh, he starts in a condescending tone. I used to be like you. Then, he starts with the Obama bashing, the worst President ever. Worse than George Bush? I counter. At least, Bush was a nice person, he says. Oh, boy, we're into it now.
But, then just as quick, he rants about the Republicans being dominated by the fundamentalist Christians, the NRA and Rush Limbaugh.
From there, he digresses to his ten year relationship that ended two years ago because her family and friends ran her life (They did not like him!). Then, he moves on to this rambling story about how he was fired from the Federal Government...not easy to do...he was "set up." Yeah.
This completely negative and rage-filled craziness goes on for 20 minutes. I decide he's AGGRESSIVE REPULSIVE with absolutely no sense of humor.
One last question, he interjects, how did I do? I demure, saying I have to get up early in the morning.
All I'm thinking is OMG, he has my phone number!!! DO NOT CALL ME!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
eHarmony
Staying optimistic, I return to search the online sites. Once, several years ago, I had completed the 5000 questions eHarmony requires to match you to your exact match. I went on a few weeks ago just to see if there was anything out there. They were relentless, like a bull dog, sending me five emails a day, each with seven or eight new matches. Okay, I'm curious. I click on one, it asks for my long in info and gives me my three options for sign up: 3 months, 6 months, a year. I sign off. Again, they're back with the new matches. This goes on for days. Wow, there seem to be a lot of guys out there. Same with Match.com, SeniorMeetPeople, MatureSingles.
But eHarmony dogs me and I bite. I take the 6 month option. Two hundred bucks straight out of my checking account. I start looking. Good Lord, this is a full-time job. 74 matches. 120 archived from my previous account.
One Sunday night, I spent FIVE HOURS archiving 100 matches. It's not easy to close a match. Literally, you have to look at the profile four times before you can close it. You read the profile, scroll down, hit ARCHIVE THIS MATCH. Up pops ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO ARCHIVE THIS MATCH? Damn right, I'm sure. Then, you go to the heading Archived Matches, his name and the profile pops up again. Scroll down, finally hit CLOSE MATCH. Whaddya think pops up? You guessed it, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CLOSE THIS MATCH? YES, I DO!!!!
I look at my old profile. Great picture but I don't look much like that anymore. My blond highlights have been replaced by my natural salt and pepper hair--longer and curlier. Can't wear contacts anymore, eyes are too dry. But, I'm skinnier! That's a plus.
I add more pictures but I really want one with me in my new blue Solara convertible. I want to convey the new, sexier, out-of-the-box me. Later. Instead, I add more humor to my profile.
I start looking. I respond only to ones with pictures and only to the guys I am not repulsed by physically. I know I'm shallow that way. Some are not even local but I'm keeping an open mind. I want to be positive, he's out there somewhere.
Pretty much they're all looking for the same thing...sex. Of course, they're not going to write that! Instead, they write that they're looking for a caring and sensitive person, someone with a sense of humor, a communicator, someone who likes to cuddle and hold hands on a walk. All code for S-E-X. Either that or they're impotent. A girl has to consider that at my age.
I look at dozens of guys, send flirts, smiles, emails commenting on their book choice or some tidbit of info they've thrown into their profile. Then, I wait.
Monday, March 21, 2011
James Michael Collins
What's a woman to do? Go back online, right? I have never had any success online ever. But, there are tons of happy couples who have met and, evidently, found their true loves. I am NOT going to have a negative attitude, I am the ultimate optimist.
I start perusing/cruising online dating sites. I experiment with one I've never used before, probably because I wasn't old enough then...a 'senior' site. I put up a sassy profile.
James from Omaha, Nebraska hits on me right away. I look at his profile...professional, nice looking picture, fat income, educated, widower, loves God. I wait a day or two and send a brief email back.
This is the response word for word:
Thanks for the mail...I am so happy to read from you. How are you and How is your day going?..Hmmm you have a nice and sincere profile and I would love to get to know you.I am James Michael Collins by name,,I have lived in Nebraska for 21 years and am formerly from Washington. I love to Travel. I'm white Caucasian. I am an Irish was born in (Ireland)..I lost my parent in Ireland..I lost my Dad when I was young at the age of 17 years old and three years later I lost my mom and it's was very hard for me then..I went to University of Oxford in Oxford. I came to US when I was 22 to Settle down to the state of Florida.
I am 62 years old. I am a widower. I have two children, Rachael and Patrick. unfortunately, I lost my daughter 4 years ago when she was 28 years then and now left with my only son.He is my life.His name is Patrick,he is 16 years old.I have a kind heart and I have a lot of love in my heart to give to my beloved woman.I am an optimist and do hope that one day I will see a smile that will fill my life with sunny rays of happy family life.Mornings can be spent like two birds in the same bath splashing about.there is a lot more to my heart.I am intelligent, honest and good heart man.I have great sense of humor, respectfully treating a female in equal rights.I do not smoke neither drink or take drugs.I own a business which has been my joy and passion for the past 10 years but would love to take time to meet someone special in order to build a lifelong romance. I am looking for a woman to love and be loved. I realize that may be a lot to ask for.I recite poems and poetry for fun when I am less busy. I believe we were not meant to go through life alone.I am willing to relocate to my perfect match.I guess you never really know where the right person will be.I don't think distance should be an obstacles in a relationship..I'd like to know everything. Your likes, dislikes, what makes you angry, what makes you sad, happy. What do you do work...I will like to know all about you.You sound interesting and a caring woman.
Kisses and Hugs,
Cheers,
James
WRITES JUST LIKE AN OXFORD MAN, RIGHTO??!! I mention him to my daughter. You should google him, she says.
I do...James Michael Collins Omaha Nebraska.
Nothing in the White Pages...mmmmm...that's odd.
But something does appear in DATING SCAMMERS!!!
A post appears warning the reader of a James Michael Collins in Omaha...here's the excerpt.
"Life has been so beautiful for me until four years ago, when I lost my wife and only daughter, I couldn't bear it. I need a wonderful woman to spend the rest of my life with, I hope one day I will see a smile that will fill my life with sunny rays of happy family life."
The Irishman, James Michael Collins, is actually Nigerian and, eventually, he wants your money.
I wrote back: YOU DISGUSTING SCAMMER, DON'T YOU EVEN CONTACT ME AGAIN.
But, I'm still optimistic...lol.
I start perusing/cruising online dating sites. I experiment with one I've never used before, probably because I wasn't old enough then...a 'senior' site. I put up a sassy profile.
James from Omaha, Nebraska hits on me right away. I look at his profile...professional, nice looking picture, fat income, educated, widower, loves God. I wait a day or two and send a brief email back.
This is the response word for word:
Thanks for the mail...I am so happy to read from you. How are you and How is your day going?..Hmmm you have a nice and sincere profile and I would love to get to know you.I am James Michael Collins by name,,I have lived in Nebraska for 21 years and am formerly from Washington. I love to Travel. I'm white Caucasian. I am an Irish was born in (Ireland)..I lost my parent in Ireland..I lost my Dad when I was young at the age of 17 years old and three years later I lost my mom and it's was very hard for me then..I went to University of Oxford in Oxford. I came to US when I was 22 to Settle down to the state of Florida.
I am 62 years old. I am a widower. I have two children, Rachael and Patrick. unfortunately, I lost my daughter 4 years ago when she was 28 years then and now left with my only son.He is my life.His name is Patrick,he is 16 years old.I have a kind heart and I have a lot of love in my heart to give to my beloved woman.I am an optimist and do hope that one day I will see a smile that will fill my life with sunny rays of happy family life.Mornings can be spent like two birds in the same bath splashing about.there is a lot more to my heart.I am intelligent, honest and good heart man.I have great sense of humor, respectfully treating a female in equal rights.I do not smoke neither drink or take drugs.I own a business which has been my joy and passion for the past 10 years but would love to take time to meet someone special in order to build a lifelong romance. I am looking for a woman to love and be loved. I realize that may be a lot to ask for.I recite poems and poetry for fun when I am less busy. I believe we were not meant to go through life alone.I am willing to relocate to my perfect match.I guess you never really know where the right person will be.I don't think distance should be an obstacles in a relationship..I'd like to know everything. Your likes, dislikes, what makes you angry, what makes you sad, happy. What do you do work...I will like to know all about you.You sound interesting and a caring woman.
Kisses and Hugs,
Cheers,
James
WRITES JUST LIKE AN OXFORD MAN, RIGHTO??!! I mention him to my daughter. You should google him, she says.
I do...James Michael Collins Omaha Nebraska.
Nothing in the White Pages...mmmmm...that's odd.
But something does appear in DATING SCAMMERS!!!
A post appears warning the reader of a James Michael Collins in Omaha...here's the excerpt.
"Life has been so beautiful for me until four years ago, when I lost my wife and only daughter, I couldn't bear it. I need a wonderful woman to spend the rest of my life with, I hope one day I will see a smile that will fill my life with sunny rays of happy family life."
The Irishman, James Michael Collins, is actually Nigerian and, eventually, he wants your money.
I wrote back: YOU DISGUSTING SCAMMER, DON'T YOU EVEN CONTACT ME AGAIN.
But, I'm still optimistic...lol.
Crumbs
I admit I have this Fear of Being Alone but I also have this other independent, free spirit side. I'm new to retirement, I want to travel. Last winter, Maryland was akin to living in Buffalo. I'm a native Floridian, I hate winter. I went to Hilton Head for six weeks. Returned in March, left in May to help my daughter with my new granddaughter. Gone for five weeks.
Not around much. But, when John and I were together, it was exquisite. He's fun, I'm fun. We laugh easily. We had occasional dates. Our bridge game and etiquette improved, meaning he didn't do the previous predictable--"Partner, why didn't you _____?" Fill in the blank:
a) Lead back my suit
b) Bid slam
c) Lead hearts
d) Run the spades
e) All of the above
You get the idea. Bear in mind, I'm the better player! This is boring for non-bridge players, I know.
The bottom line: I thought we were together. NOT! But, I'm living this fantasy.
He's not interested in meeting or hanging out with my friends. I try to initiate a conversation about it...
he doesn't do conflict.
Last summer, we were playing at a local tournament, he informed me I would not be staying with him and he wanted to give me a book. He thrusts the book, Open Love, in my face and says, "I really love you."
My view: wow, he really wants to open up and maybe we can have a real love here. I come home to a house full of people who are staying there for the tournament. I open the book and it's all about polyamory. Polyamory??!! I start screaming! For those of you who, like me, had no clue about this, polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people and they're quick to distinguish it from swinging.
Polyamory is much higher on the screwing around scale than swinging.
Shattered! OMG, I thought since his wife was unfaithful to him, he wouldn't do that to his partner. Yep, that's the female brain talking....definitely, not the male brain. Or, at least, too many male brains. We know where those are located.
I FREAK OUT and then, after hours of conversation and reassurance, I cave again. Well, I was gone a lot...what did I expect? Our expectations for the relationship were clearly out of sync. I lowered mine.
Trust me, I am not proud of this. Clearly, I was not satisfied with such a meaningless relationship. I started self-destructing...drinking, smoking. My kids were furious with me. I expected any minute to come home to an INTERVENTION.
Less and less, he initiated contact. Mostly, we occasionally played bridge and traveled together. And, the obvious. Our final trip was to Hawaii. He was 100% there. Hopes soared. 10 glorious days. We came home, no contact. Like I said, I hate roller coasters!
I sent the Dear John email. He responded, relieved that I broke up with him. In his passive aggressive, can't-stant-conflict way, he had thrown me under the bus, and I had FINALLY gotten it.
We talked face to face, a rare event. He tells me his truth. He's deep into a relationship with a newly divorced psychotherapist who also practices polyamory. She was hell bent on getting unprotected sex from him. Well, she got it. And, the same week, she did someone else and HE was shattered! They're raising bees together in Frederick.
Seriously, I can't make this up.
Crumbs. I settled for crumbs.
Not around much. But, when John and I were together, it was exquisite. He's fun, I'm fun. We laugh easily. We had occasional dates. Our bridge game and etiquette improved, meaning he didn't do the previous predictable--"Partner, why didn't you _____?" Fill in the blank:
a) Lead back my suit
b) Bid slam
c) Lead hearts
d) Run the spades
e) All of the above
You get the idea. Bear in mind, I'm the better player! This is boring for non-bridge players, I know.
The bottom line: I thought we were together. NOT! But, I'm living this fantasy.
He's not interested in meeting or hanging out with my friends. I try to initiate a conversation about it...
he doesn't do conflict.
Last summer, we were playing at a local tournament, he informed me I would not be staying with him and he wanted to give me a book. He thrusts the book, Open Love, in my face and says, "I really love you."
My view: wow, he really wants to open up and maybe we can have a real love here. I come home to a house full of people who are staying there for the tournament. I open the book and it's all about polyamory. Polyamory??!! I start screaming! For those of you who, like me, had no clue about this, polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people and they're quick to distinguish it from swinging.
Polyamory is much higher on the screwing around scale than swinging.
Shattered! OMG, I thought since his wife was unfaithful to him, he wouldn't do that to his partner. Yep, that's the female brain talking....definitely, not the male brain. Or, at least, too many male brains. We know where those are located.
I FREAK OUT and then, after hours of conversation and reassurance, I cave again. Well, I was gone a lot...what did I expect? Our expectations for the relationship were clearly out of sync. I lowered mine.
Trust me, I am not proud of this. Clearly, I was not satisfied with such a meaningless relationship. I started self-destructing...drinking, smoking. My kids were furious with me. I expected any minute to come home to an INTERVENTION.
Less and less, he initiated contact. Mostly, we occasionally played bridge and traveled together. And, the obvious. Our final trip was to Hawaii. He was 100% there. Hopes soared. 10 glorious days. We came home, no contact. Like I said, I hate roller coasters!
I sent the Dear John email. He responded, relieved that I broke up with him. In his passive aggressive, can't-stant-conflict way, he had thrown me under the bus, and I had FINALLY gotten it.
We talked face to face, a rare event. He tells me his truth. He's deep into a relationship with a newly divorced psychotherapist who also practices polyamory. She was hell bent on getting unprotected sex from him. Well, she got it. And, the same week, she did someone else and HE was shattered! They're raising bees together in Frederick.
Seriously, I can't make this up.
Crumbs. I settled for crumbs.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
John
Relationship #2. John
Have I mentioned I'm a bridge player? Not just a casual, social player. I play constantly, although I'm trying to wean myself off. I play four or five times a week and travel to tournaments all over the country.
Yeah, it's serious.
I started playing in a social singles duplicate group about eight years ago and that's where I met John. He showed up evening and I was immediately struck by his easy laugh. (Something you might remember that was missing in Randy.) Whoa...he's flirting with me...I saw that wink.
A connection? Not my type, not particularly attracted to him physically but there was some chemistry. Okay, I'm game.
My guys are usually on the reserved side...I'm the extrovert. I admit I can be too loud, too out there, too open. (Duh...I'm writing this blog.)
But, he struck me as pretty out there, too. One night, we were playing bridge and he just comes out with, "I want sex!" AARRGG!!!!
I chalk this up to his dropping acid with Timothy Leary in Haight Ashbury.
His wife left him with four kids to raise after 25 years of a "perfect" marriage. Okay. He gave up a law practice to follow her career in nursing. Her demand for a divorce left him thunderstruck. No frigging idea she's been doing her boss for five years. It paid off for her; she moved right up the ladder and she's a huge muckety muck in the government today.
I'm curious, though. We move cautiously into a "relationship." Every red flag waved brightly--doesn't make phone calls, no regularly scheduled dates (always split 50-50, btw); he tells me he loves too early in the game, his properties turn out to be money pits, his kids drain him, he takes on more and more debt (he's 65), his ex calls him "honey" around me, obligatory cheap gifts of jewelry; he carps at me at the bridge table, he lives in complete and utter chaos One day I look at him and he's gained at least 50 pounds. He looks eight months preggers. He tells me he's bingeing every night. Great.
I just stop the relationship. For eight months.
Then, during a snowstorm sitting alone in front of the fireplace, I call him. I missed his laugh. I missed going to foreign films with him, playing bridge together, traveling to tournaments, the occasional walk in the park. I missed cuddling with him. We took up again.
I have this I'M GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD complex left over from the 60s and he became my project. I won't abandon him. I'll stick with him and, at the same time, feed my FEAR OF BEING ALONE.
What I didn't realize, at the time, was that I was butting up against his FEAR OF MAKING A MISTAKE. And his was extreme. You can't make a mistake if you refuse to take an emotional risk.
But, I hadn't read Getting Naked Again, so I jumped on the roller coaster. I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!
Have I mentioned I'm a bridge player? Not just a casual, social player. I play constantly, although I'm trying to wean myself off. I play four or five times a week and travel to tournaments all over the country.
Yeah, it's serious.
I started playing in a social singles duplicate group about eight years ago and that's where I met John. He showed up evening and I was immediately struck by his easy laugh. (Something you might remember that was missing in Randy.) Whoa...he's flirting with me...I saw that wink.
A connection? Not my type, not particularly attracted to him physically but there was some chemistry. Okay, I'm game.
My guys are usually on the reserved side...I'm the extrovert. I admit I can be too loud, too out there, too open. (Duh...I'm writing this blog.)
But, he struck me as pretty out there, too. One night, we were playing bridge and he just comes out with, "I want sex!" AARRGG!!!!
I chalk this up to his dropping acid with Timothy Leary in Haight Ashbury.
His wife left him with four kids to raise after 25 years of a "perfect" marriage. Okay. He gave up a law practice to follow her career in nursing. Her demand for a divorce left him thunderstruck. No frigging idea she's been doing her boss for five years. It paid off for her; she moved right up the ladder and she's a huge muckety muck in the government today.
I'm curious, though. We move cautiously into a "relationship." Every red flag waved brightly--doesn't make phone calls, no regularly scheduled dates (always split 50-50, btw); he tells me he loves too early in the game, his properties turn out to be money pits, his kids drain him, he takes on more and more debt (he's 65), his ex calls him "honey" around me, obligatory cheap gifts of jewelry; he carps at me at the bridge table, he lives in complete and utter chaos One day I look at him and he's gained at least 50 pounds. He looks eight months preggers. He tells me he's bingeing every night. Great.
I just stop the relationship. For eight months.
Then, during a snowstorm sitting alone in front of the fireplace, I call him. I missed his laugh. I missed going to foreign films with him, playing bridge together, traveling to tournaments, the occasional walk in the park. I missed cuddling with him. We took up again.
I have this I'M GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD complex left over from the 60s and he became my project. I won't abandon him. I'll stick with him and, at the same time, feed my FEAR OF BEING ALONE.
What I didn't realize, at the time, was that I was butting up against his FEAR OF MAKING A MISTAKE. And his was extreme. You can't make a mistake if you refuse to take an emotional risk.
But, I hadn't read Getting Naked Again, so I jumped on the roller coaster. I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Randy
Okay, I have had serious relationships in the past fifteen years. Exactly two. Randy was #1.
January, 2003, visiting Donna at her winter condo in Delray Beach, Florida. She and I had owned a 3-family house in New England years before two women did that sort of thing; the assumption being we were lesbians. Trust me, not true. She happened to mention that Randy and his wife had divorced.
BOING!!!!! OMG!! My hair stands on end. Twenty five years ago, he had been The Mayor and I was a puny politician leading a grassroots parent-teacher coalition to stave off the collapse of urban schools. We were in each other's orbit constantly.
I was sitting in the front row of an auditorium where he was giving a speech and, afterwards, he came over and whispered in my ear, "Please, don't sit in front of me again. I can't concentrate." Is that a helluva of a line or what???!!
So, of course, I caved and we had a brief, albeit, torrid affair. The chemistry was something I had never felt before or since. He was married, I got married, we moved on.
You hear those too-good-to-be-true stories about people returning to their first loves and living, oh so happily ever after. Hello?! That's what I was fantasizing so I started exercising twice a day, took off 10 pounds and called him at his law office.
He had just ended his engagement to someone he described as an alcoholic, although a gorgeous one. "Come up right away," he implored. I did. He looked amazing...same beautiful smile (I confess I still had a news clip with his photo hidden in my bathroom), same tight, athletic body (he was a gymnast in high school), same deep, mellow voice that mesmerized me all over again.
Thus, began our commuter relationship. Three weekends a month on Southwest back and forth. He begged me to quit my job and move to his Victorian home in the West End. I love old houses and this one was no exception. It was tempting...I still had great friends there I missed terribly.
But, the more I was around him, the more he was living in the glory days of when he was the mayor at 32 years old. He had this vision of running for governor and me being his wife, making the courageous move of being the first biracial couple in a race for major political office. Did I mention I'm the white one?
The sex was constant and needy. It was a poor substitute for conversation. We just didn't have that much in common....definitely no soul connection.
Eventually, deep in my heart I sensed he wouldn't end up being The One...no matter what the chemistry had been. He was missing a sense of humor..he was a Scorpio with a sting, although certainly easy on the eyes and that body....mmmm. No laughs, though, and God knows, I have to laugh.
It ended after two years. TWO MONTHS LATER, his law practice went under, he lost his house, and found a woman in New Mexico to marry and support him! I guess he was busy that one weekend a month we weren't seeing each other...lol.
The way I see it, I dodged a bullet. But, was I ready for the firestorm that awaited me???!!
January, 2003, visiting Donna at her winter condo in Delray Beach, Florida. She and I had owned a 3-family house in New England years before two women did that sort of thing; the assumption being we were lesbians. Trust me, not true. She happened to mention that Randy and his wife had divorced.
BOING!!!!! OMG!! My hair stands on end. Twenty five years ago, he had been The Mayor and I was a puny politician leading a grassroots parent-teacher coalition to stave off the collapse of urban schools. We were in each other's orbit constantly.
I was sitting in the front row of an auditorium where he was giving a speech and, afterwards, he came over and whispered in my ear, "Please, don't sit in front of me again. I can't concentrate." Is that a helluva of a line or what???!!
So, of course, I caved and we had a brief, albeit, torrid affair. The chemistry was something I had never felt before or since. He was married, I got married, we moved on.
You hear those too-good-to-be-true stories about people returning to their first loves and living, oh so happily ever after. Hello?! That's what I was fantasizing so I started exercising twice a day, took off 10 pounds and called him at his law office.
He had just ended his engagement to someone he described as an alcoholic, although a gorgeous one. "Come up right away," he implored. I did. He looked amazing...same beautiful smile (I confess I still had a news clip with his photo hidden in my bathroom), same tight, athletic body (he was a gymnast in high school), same deep, mellow voice that mesmerized me all over again.
Thus, began our commuter relationship. Three weekends a month on Southwest back and forth. He begged me to quit my job and move to his Victorian home in the West End. I love old houses and this one was no exception. It was tempting...I still had great friends there I missed terribly.
But, the more I was around him, the more he was living in the glory days of when he was the mayor at 32 years old. He had this vision of running for governor and me being his wife, making the courageous move of being the first biracial couple in a race for major political office. Did I mention I'm the white one?
The sex was constant and needy. It was a poor substitute for conversation. We just didn't have that much in common....definitely no soul connection.
Eventually, deep in my heart I sensed he wouldn't end up being The One...no matter what the chemistry had been. He was missing a sense of humor..he was a Scorpio with a sting, although certainly easy on the eyes and that body....mmmm. No laughs, though, and God knows, I have to laugh.
It ended after two years. TWO MONTHS LATER, his law practice went under, he lost his house, and found a woman in New Mexico to marry and support him! I guess he was busy that one weekend a month we weren't seeing each other...lol.
The way I see it, I dodged a bullet. But, was I ready for the firestorm that awaited me???!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Man Blitz
I have this friend. I'll call her LInda. Fifteen years ago when she was 48, her second marriage exploded. Over. She went on a man blitz.
Joined every online dating site, answered every reasonable personals ad in the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post. She couldn't be bothered coming to a Girls' Night, she was out every night of the week. Exploring.
We finally captured her for our 50th birthday celebration on Hilton Head Island. Her tales of the man hunt were hilarious. By now, she had narrowed it to two guys, who she was on the phone with incessantly.
Did I mention she's a big girl? Not fat, just big. Attractive, not stunning. Fun, definitely fun. She taught English and preached feminism. Seriously, to the point that the boys would complain to me, her colleague, about her anti-male bias.
A die hard feminist who couldn't live without a man. There's an irony here. We teased her unmercifully.
But, she landed her guy and was living on his cramped boat in Baltimore Harbor. They married, later moved to New Mexico, and the boat sank in the harbor.
But, not the marriage. Fifteen years later, they're still married and, apparently, quite happy. They seem to be true soul mates. They've both retired and are traveling all around the country in an RV.
I was so damn smug. I don't really need a man. I'm just fine. I was climbing the career ladder. Who had time? Really, who had the patience? Obviously, I didn't and, now, who's happily married and who's finally on a man blitz?
I rest my case.
Joined every online dating site, answered every reasonable personals ad in the Baltimore Sun and the Washington Post. She couldn't be bothered coming to a Girls' Night, she was out every night of the week. Exploring.
We finally captured her for our 50th birthday celebration on Hilton Head Island. Her tales of the man hunt were hilarious. By now, she had narrowed it to two guys, who she was on the phone with incessantly.
Did I mention she's a big girl? Not fat, just big. Attractive, not stunning. Fun, definitely fun. She taught English and preached feminism. Seriously, to the point that the boys would complain to me, her colleague, about her anti-male bias.
A die hard feminist who couldn't live without a man. There's an irony here. We teased her unmercifully.
But, she landed her guy and was living on his cramped boat in Baltimore Harbor. They married, later moved to New Mexico, and the boat sank in the harbor.
But, not the marriage. Fifteen years later, they're still married and, apparently, quite happy. They seem to be true soul mates. They've both retired and are traveling all around the country in an RV.
I was so damn smug. I don't really need a man. I'm just fine. I was climbing the career ladder. Who had time? Really, who had the patience? Obviously, I didn't and, now, who's happily married and who's finally on a man blitz?
I rest my case.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
What Happened to Me?
I'm a woman of the 60s looking for a man in my 60s. In my 60s????!! Okay, I'm single, actually, a widow. But that happened 15 years ago.
I had children to raise. I had a ridiculously stressful job. You try being the principal of a middle school! Everybody gripes and complains. The teachers hate it when you try to counsel mischievous kids instead of taking their heads off. What does suspension accomplish? Oh year, the teachers get a short reprieve.
The kids, of course, think you're way too strict.
"It was just a little fire. Really, I didn't mean to burn down the bathroom. Why are you calling my parents?"
"Are you kidding me?" I respond incredulously. Seriously, between the ages of 11 and 14, the brain stops dead in its tracks. You can ask the obvious, 'Why did you do that?' The usual response, 'I don't know.' They are being completely honest. They DON'T KNOW. STUPID, STUPID QUESTION.
And, then there are the parents. NOT MY KID.
"I know my child and she would never use any swear words."
"My child tells me everything. If he was going to pot parties, he would tell me."
"My child is perfect. It's the other kids that instigate. Some other kid put that knife in his locker."
"Porno? You're telling me my son sold a porno video to another child at school? My son doesn't even use the computer at home."
I consciously made a decision not to pursue a love relationship because I was up to my eyeballs in my kids' soccer, basketball, lacrosse, homework, therapy sessions and my JOB that I couldn't spend quality time with someone else, not even myself.
I think I was dead WRONG. It sounded sane, probably a good cop-out for not putting out the energy to kiss frogs until the prince came along. No frogs, no prince, no sex....lots of sleepless nights, mainly, job related. I was 45. Maybe, it was just too late for me. The marriage had been too good, possibly. Best friends, no holds-barred, shared great joy and, obviously, profound sorrow.
Okay. I did try a few things. Match.com, eHarmony. I just didn't know how to download a picture so that didn't get me too many hits. Tried It's Just Lunch...all frogs in my age group. 8-Minute Dating. One of the most bizarre experiences of my life. I did it with my friend, Annie. We didn't walk out with one guy's phone number and they didn't walk out with ours. "Would you try it again? she asked. "Sure." We never did.
But, here's the thing. I made the assumption they were all frogs. A totally negative assumption. Why would be they be looking online if they were all that? Someone would've snapped them right up.
Hey! I'm insulted. I'm a frog???? Why hasn't someone snatched me up? I know I'm 60, but I'm a hot 60. I have great energy, workout everyday, laugh at the world and myself and I'm not bad looking! What is the frigging problem?
Me. I'm the biggest stumbling to my own success at this. Have you been online lately? There are lots of great looking guys in my age range. Some of them are even interested in developing their spiritual side. Maybe the Law of Attraction could be working for me.
We're going on this journey together. Hang on.
I had children to raise. I had a ridiculously stressful job. You try being the principal of a middle school! Everybody gripes and complains. The teachers hate it when you try to counsel mischievous kids instead of taking their heads off. What does suspension accomplish? Oh year, the teachers get a short reprieve.
The kids, of course, think you're way too strict.
"It was just a little fire. Really, I didn't mean to burn down the bathroom. Why are you calling my parents?"
"Are you kidding me?" I respond incredulously. Seriously, between the ages of 11 and 14, the brain stops dead in its tracks. You can ask the obvious, 'Why did you do that?' The usual response, 'I don't know.' They are being completely honest. They DON'T KNOW. STUPID, STUPID QUESTION.
And, then there are the parents. NOT MY KID.
"I know my child and she would never use any swear words."
"My child tells me everything. If he was going to pot parties, he would tell me."
"My child is perfect. It's the other kids that instigate. Some other kid put that knife in his locker."
"Porno? You're telling me my son sold a porno video to another child at school? My son doesn't even use the computer at home."
I consciously made a decision not to pursue a love relationship because I was up to my eyeballs in my kids' soccer, basketball, lacrosse, homework, therapy sessions and my JOB that I couldn't spend quality time with someone else, not even myself.
I think I was dead WRONG. It sounded sane, probably a good cop-out for not putting out the energy to kiss frogs until the prince came along. No frogs, no prince, no sex....lots of sleepless nights, mainly, job related. I was 45. Maybe, it was just too late for me. The marriage had been too good, possibly. Best friends, no holds-barred, shared great joy and, obviously, profound sorrow.
Okay. I did try a few things. Match.com, eHarmony. I just didn't know how to download a picture so that didn't get me too many hits. Tried It's Just Lunch...all frogs in my age group. 8-Minute Dating. One of the most bizarre experiences of my life. I did it with my friend, Annie. We didn't walk out with one guy's phone number and they didn't walk out with ours. "Would you try it again? she asked. "Sure." We never did.
But, here's the thing. I made the assumption they were all frogs. A totally negative assumption. Why would be they be looking online if they were all that? Someone would've snapped them right up.
Hey! I'm insulted. I'm a frog???? Why hasn't someone snatched me up? I know I'm 60, but I'm a hot 60. I have great energy, workout everyday, laugh at the world and myself and I'm not bad looking! What is the frigging problem?
Me. I'm the biggest stumbling to my own success at this. Have you been online lately? There are lots of great looking guys in my age range. Some of them are even interested in developing their spiritual side. Maybe the Law of Attraction could be working for me.
We're going on this journey together. Hang on.
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