Can Men and Women Be Friends?

I have this guy friend, Tony, I’ve known since high school.  We’ve seen each other a handful of times since we graduated 45 years ago but we’re emailers...not regularly but that’s much more my fault than his.

He’s a communicator.  If you ask him a question, you’re going to get a no-holds-barred answer.  He’s been reading this blog since Day One.  He never married and he’s curious about the Mr. or Ms. Right idea...or the idea that I could still be seeking one.

He gave up on casual dating over 25 years ago.  Now, this is not a dog or some whack job.  He’s extremely intelligent, personable, good looking, slim, and an excellent conversationalist.  

He always wanted to have children but felt he had to be financially stable before settling down.  Now, he knows what folly that is for most of us.  Eventually, he got the fathering need satisfied through his siblings’ children and I’m not sure he regrets not having his own.

But, what about companionship?  I counter.  Don’t you miss that?  What about someone to go to the movies with or a play or dinner?

Tony says he finds female friendships problematic due to the inevitable sex or commitment issues that manifest themselves.  Almost always, the female expects commitment after sex.  Can’t argue with that.  But, he’s no player either....way too ethical for that.  So, he just doesn’t date.

He remembers in his 20s one of our classmate’s mother coming over to visit with his mom.  Her name was Edie and she was a recent widow.  The two women reminded him of school girls; they had so much fun together.  His mom asked Edie if she was going to remarry and he was stunned by her response, “I am not going to take care of another man!”

Now, she was in her 50s and, according to him, “HOT.”  Can you imagine a 25 year old male thinking a woman 30 years older was “hot?”  Even more shocking to him was the fact that she had absolutely no interest in being in another permanent relationship....and this was a long time ago when women choosing to be single was unheard of and certainly to be pitied.

I tell him I’m ambiguous about my relationship future.  Yeah, I like having men in my life.  I enjoy sharing stories and experiences.  Yet, I also love my independence.  If I don’t want to clean the house, I don’t.  If I want to stay up all night playing bridge online, I do it.  If I want to go to a tournament on the other side of the country, I do.  There’s no one to check in with....and that’s okay for now.

I’m content to date and see if these fledgling friendships develop into something more profound.  I’m not interested in muddying the waters with intimacy and commitment issues.

My guy friend does not believe that men and women can be ‘just’ friends unless the man is gay or the female is in a good marriage.  That hasn’t been my experience, though.  I’ve had and still do have men who are good friends and sex has never been an issue....at least, for me.  I’m probably naive, though.

Jim, one of my bridge partners, and I were talking the other night about our favorite mystery writers and I asked him if he read Robert Parker’s Spencer series.  He wasn’t familiar with it, so I explained what I really loved was the relationship between Spencer and Susan, his therapist girlfriend.

“What do you like about it?”

“They’re committed to each other.  They don’t sleep with other people and a lot of the time, they don’t sleep with each other.  They maintain separate residences and separate lives, but are clearly devoted to the relationship.”

“Yeah, but what if one of them wants to be with the other one and they don’t want to be?  How do they decide how much time to be together?  How do they resolve jealousy issues?  What if one of them is more independent than the other?”

“Jim....it’s fiction!  Definitely NOT real life!”

Mr. Right?

I know in this blog I’m supposed to be looking for Mr. Right but I don’t think there’s a Mr. Right anymore.  I think it’s more about me and not about him.  That’s not to say I don’t think Mr. Right is out there or that I reject the idea of a Mr. Right.  I just think I need to focus on me.

And the moment.  The Power of Now.  Eckhart Tolle.  I picked up this book about six months ago and couldn’t read it.  I wasn’t ready...not in the right place to be able to live in the moment.  Of course, I had been there in the past, especially, during the nine years that Kevin was slowly dying.  We had to live in the moment.  It was all we had.

Six months ago, I was living in my pain-body.  I’m the eternal optimist, always upbeat, never down long enough for anyone to notice.  Suffering is not my thing.  I love life.  But, back then, I was living with anxiety, which means there’s fear.  I was living in the future.  I wanted that relationship to work.  It wasn’t working and I was afraid to release it.

Finally, I did.  And the strangest thing happened.  Joy returned to me.  I was free to be me....to live for now, not the past or the future.  Just love today.

And an even stranger thing happened.  I started meeting men...spiritual men with depth.  I was in awe.  That nightly visualization was really working! Remember, I asked for someone who communicates openly, practices gratitude and non-judgment, accepts me unconditionally and plays good bridge.

I told Susan, my trusted psychotherapist, I was done with the online thing.  She was a little taken aback by that.  “You never really gave it a chance.”  I think I’m just too jaded now.  Too many lies....about age, pictures, marital status.  Who could believe anything in their descriptions of themselves?  I know, I know....I hear all the time how people met the love of their lives on these sites.  I just don’t think it works for me.

Besides, I seem to be meeting men without the sites FINALLY!  She cautions me not to give up my power (can you decode that??!).  That works perfectly fine for me.  The love of my life was my best friend long before we considered changing our status.  So, I am in no hurry, which seems crazy at my age!

I like the way these relationships are unfolding.  We go for hot chocolate, a walk, a movie, dinner, an occasional drink...but mainly we talk....for hours.  There’s no pressure toward intimacy.  I like that.

We’re becoming closer friends.  And, the interesting thing for me is that I am not attaching a future to it.  I was all about wondering if this could work out...is this Mr. Right?   Now, I’m just enjoying my time with them and my time with me.  I’ve never felt more serene.

You’re probably thinking....well, it’s about damn time!  I agree.

I had a woo woo moment with one of these men a few weeks ago.  We were playing bridge with another couple and a sarcastic remark was made about another player.

Since I am focusing on practicing non-judgment, I inserted, “Remember the three questions Buddha says to ask before breaking the silence?  Is it kind?  Is it true?”  And, for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the third question.

“Is it necessary?” says my partner.  OMG!  Yes, that’s it!

Wow...that visualization is amazing.