I went back to Cassadaga to get another reading. There was a whole, heavenly crowd trying to get through to me. My grandmother was the spokesperson but Edith, John’s mother, couldn’t resist speaking her truth to me.
“Where are your boundaries?” my Grandmother asks. Edith was harsher, “Kick him to the curb,” referring to her son. I get my resolve. I have to do this.
But, they also say ‘never say never.’ I’m reminded by them that I have free will. They are definite he is my soulmate, but maybe it wasn’t meant to work out in this lifetime. It is up to me.
Edith tells me she is my matchmaker that I am too loving to be alone...she will make sure she puts someone in my path. She says she had done this once before. She regrets John didn’t learn his life lesson....to love deeply after heartbreak.
They say I asked John to come into my life. I question myself. What are the lessons I had with John? I know one is to love profoundly again. Another one is for me to define my boundaries.
I hear the chorus from my readers....”DUH!!”
I agree to see him when I return from Hilton Head. He’s aware that I have been distant. He asks up front what I am feeling. I tell him I cannot see him again....no, we cannot be friends....no, I cannot play bridge with him any longer. I am prepared to lose my place in our social bridge groups...no, we cannot travel together.
He offers alternatives while we are with other people. I tell him I cannot agree to his conditions. Absolutely out of the question for me! I will not be with him if he is not exclusive with me.
We’ve had five years of huge ups and downs....it’s been a roller coaster. I HATE ROLLER COASTERS!!! But, I have a love for him and he for me. It is undeniable.
I could not have him in my life in any way if I end it. It would have to be a clean break so I could start over again. How can I give my heart to another if he holds it?
I give him an ultimatum....”We are exclusive or we are nothing. No alternatives!”
Our eyes meet.
“This is not a judgment of you. It is about me...what I must have to go on. I am prepared to go either way. You can stay or you can go. I will be fine with whatever you decide.”
“What happened?”
“I just had an epiphany while we were apart for two weeks and I know what I will deal with and what I won’t. I am over 60 years old and I DON’T want to be with anyone who doesn’t cherish me. I want someone who is stable, who is complete with me...someone who is independent, not needy. Someone who can be my best friend, someone I can talk to about anything...not someone who has certain topics that are off limits. I may only have one year left in my life and I don’t want to spend it being heartbroken.”
“Wow...you caught me completely off guard. I don’t want to lose you. When I look at my future, you are with me. I dearly love you. What would you want to do?”
“It’s been five years of cat and mouse games. There’s no more time. This is it. The future is now. We need to figure out if we can make it work. We need to live together.”
“Where?”
“I’m not wild about living in your house...that’s where you lived with your ex. At least, I didn’t live with my husband at my place.”
“The commute from there wouldn’t be so bad, but I still have a lot to do on my house to get it ready to put on the market.”
“Well, maybe, we could live in my house during the week and your house on the weekends.”
“Okay, let’s try it. Let’s see if it can work. I know we need a lot of help with communication issues....like when you write things in your blog about me that completely devastate me. But, I’m the one who has always loved you through it all. I know it will be a struggle with your children.”
“Their issue is my issue. The obvious. I just can’t do that anymore. I’m hopeful they’ll come around with time. Plus, Susan will still be around and will meet with us together to help us be the best we can be for each other.”
“My children adore you....and so do I. I can’t see my life without you in it. I’m clearing my calendar. We’ll spend every possible minute together over the next couple of months and then look at how our future stacks up.”
That is our agreement. For me, that means canceling my trip to Miami next weekend. Sammy will be disappointed and so will several of my readers. Yes, he’s nice, accomplished and stable, but I could just never get a real connection.
John and I will be camping in Lily Dale, New York, next weekend...I’m taking him for his first reading by a medium. I can’t wait to see what message he gets! Hopefully, Edith will offer him guidance.
I am ending my blog, “60 Year Old Female Looking for Mr. Right.” Boundaries. I guess I’m finally defining them. Our relationship has been too public. I must give us a fighting chance at making this work. Maybe, I have found Mr. Right. It’s a love that has survived too much scrutiny and now we must close the door.
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Dear Readers,
Thank you for joining me on this journey of self-reflection. I so appreciate your support and honesty. I have a true mixture of sadness and joy. It’s my first foray into writing and I have loved every minute of it.
John and I are tossing out ideas for the next blog....How does “Hippies in Their Sixties” sound???
Ya gotta laugh!!
Love,
Brenda
